(Spotted) Week in Review

I don't remember what I wanted to write when I opened this before I left for my lunch break, but whatever. I got something else to tell you peoples abouts. It's a little drinking game I came up with (drunk) a week ago. I call it "Noah's Ark". Why is it called Noah's Ark? Because you drink 2 of every shot. At first, my idea was for you to go to a bar and take 2 shots of every bottle they have. Then, thinking realistically about it, I think the only alcoholic who could pull this off is that Tucker Max fellow but then again, A) 3/4ths of you probably don't even know who he is and B) who cares? (he's from old money and he's a drunk asshole who writes books about his drunken mis-adventures... Yes, I'm told people that his book reminds them of me, but i digress). Anyway, I dunno. I imagine it'd be like a long island ice tea of shots. I'd wanna test this game out, in a public forum. I mentioned to Scott my idea of us going to a bar with a camera man following us and documenting the course of actions, the tab as well as the ensuing results of the two of us drunk and on the loose (usually hilarity ensues as the result). Then again, if anyone wants to back me on this and send me funds for a camera/camera man, money for the tab and punitive damages I imagine I'd end up having in legal fees from the resutls (as well as medical bills for what I'd imagine would result in me needing dyalasis), I'd be more than happy to oblidge with letting you put that fat check (or sleak plastic) in my paw.

and speaking of kidney failure, the summer is almost over and no one has thrown a party. You know, the kinda party where I am asked to make jungle juice, I do my thing, and the next thign I know I am getting angry texts and phone calls about how people hate me and asking me if I put rufinol in the vat of accumulated boozes. Anyone? Bah, whatever. Here's to hoping at least Dennis throws a little get together at his place for a Labor Day weekend BBQ and booze-a-thon. I wonder who, if anyone, has pictures from the last time we did that? You remember? The time we set half the backyard on fire? me running around wearing a motorcycle helmet and aviators, running around on magic and booze, screaming? Me and Romil killing off somewhere between 3 and 5 bottles of ouzo? Antiquing Aker's then-girlfriend minutes after meeting her? repeatedly hot-footing Dennis througout the night after he passed out as chicken scraps were strategically placed on him? Anyone? No? Bah. No one remembers cause we were shit houses 3 ways to Mars, but the camera remembers, and that's what I'd like to see. Actually, come to think of it, if I could somehow get my old cellphone working, I believe there is video footage AND video footage of the shennanigans involving a passed out Dennis... and possibly a video of him drunk and dancing in the inferno we created (thinking back on it, that was not up to fire code... or normal standards and practices for that matter). I just need to borrow someone's enV 2 battery for this footage to be released to the world like a plague (or, judging by the amount of traffic this fucking blog gets, an annoying gnat).

In other news...

I saw Atmosphere with Jose on Monday. The day started out with me meeting him at Ace bar for a beer or two. That turned into 5. It would have been 4, but who turns down a free round when the bartender offers? When we got to Webster Hall, we got more beers and shots. I recall Jose talking up some girls and I dunno what happened cause when I got back, he was telling me they were worthless whores who liked fags instead. Around the time Atmosphere came on I ran into Natasha and we had a smoke and a talk which turned into us missing most of the end of their set, maybe even half of it for all I know. Oh, and here's a video Natasha made me hip to that her friend took a video of outside the club before the show. I can't stop laughing at Slug's facial expression as this kid raps to him... and the fact that it is the same exact face both times the camera turns to him:



Anyway, after the show, I got tired of walking around with a bag with a hoodie in it and a t-shirt hanging out the front of my pants like I'm some street hood and we went to drop my shit off in the car(side note: hoodies in plastic bags make for hilarious prop in using to get people out of your way at a crowded bar/club scenario). Afterwards, we headed to Nino's for pizza. This lead to a very drunk me dumping a very drunken amount of garlic powder on my pizza which I tried getting off the pizza, but it didn't work. This lead later to my burps smelling like bad garlic the remainder of the night and Jose laughing as Natasha would freak out and yell at me calling me disgusting, dirtbag, ad nauseum with the name calling of how I'm an ass. This went on til about 3 or so am hanging out at Lucy's. I think we called it quits when we noticed we were quoting lines from Hook, which was on the tv at that time, before the lines were even said in the movie. That, and Jose kept yelling "RU-FI-OOOOOOH!" every now and then.

And onto last night's adventures (or lack there of)...

lets see. Drank a few beers and took a few swigs of Rumple Minz at Dennis'. Watched some Always Sunny episodes waiting for for TJ and Dennis to get dressed. Headed to Ramsey for Ashley's birthday. Lame. Went to Suffern for (more) drinks. Not much went on there. There was a heard of fat chicks there last night. Left. Went to Yonkers, to where Dicey Rileys used to be. It's called Clique now and it's full of nothing but hispanics blasting obnoxiously loud spanish music as they smoke from hookahs and drink hennesy and red bulls. Left. Went to Inwood for a second cause Dennis had to check up on the garage. Kept getting phone calls from Romil lost asking for directions home. Was gonna go back home with TJ and Dennis and hang out with them and Romil (yea, he eventually found his way home) but ended up going home to this:



...yes, that's a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Apparently I felt artistic and took a picture of my half eaten sandwich sitting on my night table (mainly because I wandered off and came back to my room and forgot I had made the sandwich, let alone ate half of it.

Insert Obnoxious Siren Sounds Here

First of all. I'm deleting my myspace account. Gonna just use this and twitter now.

Secondly, I dunno if I should go off on last night as a whole first, or go off on my hatred of modern djs?

Eh, fuck it. I will mix-mash em up (just like that mashup mix I still never got around to doing of NIN and Michael Jackson... I guess now would be the best time to get people to listen to it now that MJ is d-e-a-d).

But yea, here goes:

Dennis picked my ass up around 6ish. Went to his place to drink a few and watch tv waiting for Evan to show up cause we were gonna meet up some of his friends who were coming in to NY for the weekend. Me and Dennis ended up leaving Evan behind cause his friends were taking forever.

On the way, it started raining. We're not talking about just any kind of rain. We're talking about the rain that was the reason as to why some old jew named Noah made an arch and filled it with 2 of every animal. It was BAD. By the time we got onto the FDR we could barely see a foot in front of us and we were floating more than driving down the damn road. Of course the rain started to die down as soon as we hit the exit we were supposed to get off of. But then the real fun began. The worst dead stop traffic because they decided to block off a road and make people going down 1st Ave detour onto the road the off ramp lead to. Was there any construction workers directing traffic? No. Was there a traffic cop? Hell no.

We finally got to find a parking spot right in front of Black Finn. We were gonna head to Opal but Romil told us him and Ronak were at Sutton Place. As we walked in, Ronak left to meet up his friend at some place and Romil basically told us to hurry up with our drinks to leave and meet them up. Sutton Place was really fucking packed. Odd though, was that there was a miriad of tall, hot, girls. I felt a smidgen intimidated. Like I said in a text to Scott (to the best I can remember of what I said), this one girl that was standing near me looked like she would destroy me and my dick.

We left and hopped a cab down to 47th and Broadway (did I mention I hate Times Square?) in the back of a minivan taxi with the center seats removed (kinda defeating the purpose of it being a mini van). It was a dangerous ride, kinda. If the cabbie hit the breaks too hard, we'd all go flying across the back and into the plastic glass seperating him from us. The highlight of the ride to our next destination revolved around Romil jokingly saying he hates us and Romil calling Ronak and yelling at him for the address to where he was. The Coup de grâce of hilarity in that cab came when we saw this couple on the side of the road as we were at a stop sign. I'm laughing my ass off just remembering it now. So, it went like this. Romil goes "Excuse me miss, you are too hot for that guy... THIS IS NOT PROPPER MATH" as he was forcefully pointing right at them through the back window. The guy had this look that you could only describe as, like I said last night after I saw it, "being told you just shit in his breakfast after he ate it." We couldn't stop laughing at the whole scenario and saying how the guy was informed by the "turd of truth" as Dennis called it (the turd of truth is in reference to my shit breakfast analogy). I know, I know, complex thinking here. Just laugh and read on already, you fuck.

As we got out of the cab, Romil continued his gurilla verbal assault via phone on Ronak cause we still didn't get an answer out of where he was. We ended up looking for some swanky place Dennis knew the owner of, but ended up going to teh Whiskey instead (or as all the trendy fucks call it, the W... You know, the club with a giant red "W" outside of it right on a corner in Times Square?) Anyway, instead of the usual giving of shit the bouncers outside give us. Dennis just barged right past them and waved them away as if they were expendable as one of them began to begin his usual "there's a cover, bla bla bla" bullshit. After Dennis was already in the door, the guy looked at me and Romil as we stood there staring at him and he said "right this way gentlemen." Arrogance works people (it also sometimes gets your ass tossed out to the curb like you see in the movies/tv). We get down there. Dennis tried talking to Ronak to no avail. All he found out was he was in the same building as the Whiskey. In response, we did a round of shots and 7 on 7 that Romil ordered. I don't like that place, but whatever. As was said last night "who knows, maybe you could pick up a really rich girl in here and not have to worry about finances ever again." Not much went on inside there though. THere was a really old couple that Dennis pointed out looked like the kinda couple where they try to pick you up cause the husband likes to watch as you fuck his wife. There was an enterague of older black guys who were dressed like they were from the LA club scene. Um, oh, and there were these 2 girls in skirts dancing their asses off. One skirt shorter than the next. You know where the majority of my attention was directed while that was going on. The dj in there was a fuck who wouldn't play more than a few minutes of a song before he switched it up... on his macbook. Really annoying.

After 2 or 3 rounds of drinks, we found out Ronak was in the hotel above the Whiskey. We got in the elevator and got off on the 7th floor. It was like this elitist club that is a department store by day and a posh nightclub at night. I noticed a cop just parusing around, not looking for trouble, but just hanging out. I also noticed above the bar was this gigantic flatscreen tv hooked up to one of the cameras the police have set up in times square to look for suspicious activities. Yes, the rich like to watch tourists walk by some busy corner in or around times square. We left after one drink. Oh, did I forget to mention I might have accidentally broke the sink in the bathroom and it wouldn't turn off? Yeaaaaaa....

Dennis, Romil and I took a cab back up to 50s. Romil bailed once he learned Dennis was heading to Metro 53. After having gone inside for my first time ever last night, I now know why. First of all, it is over run with young kids (I didn't realize it was the same bar that as we drove past it and saw a bunch of young kids trying to get inside I said "what, did a prom just let out?). Secondly, there was no airconditioning what so ever. I was sopping wet and left right as I walked in. but, third of all as to why I didn't like the place? The audio was so deafening, I coudln't even hear myself thinking of why I hate the people in there. After Dennis realized I left shortly after I walked in, we went to Opal. The DJ in there kept playing that Goddamn stupid siren sound you hear every other second on hot 97. You know, this (the second sound effect in the video):



Yea. So, it reminded me of the time in Aker's car I kept doing my annoying version of that sound with my voice as Timmy D kept pretending he was a DJ. it was quite hilarious. He would just start yelling shit a stupid "dj" would yell and I would just randomly start doing that stupid airhorn sound with my mouth (I'm told it is QUITE annoying). Aker would freak out driving cause I was basically making him go deaf. But yea, the dj kept doing that stupid effect. I kept doing it at the bar. The bartenders were visibly annoyed by me. Dennis just sat there laughing and shaking his head as I kept doing that. The girl to the left of me kept looking at me like "wtf?" and the other one to the right looked like she wanted attention... but she was WAY too U-G-L-Y to be looked at. Some guy on the other side of her did the classic tap her on the shoulder farther away from you move so that she'd think Dennis tapped her on the shoulder. I was trying not to laugh. Then I freaked out thinking she might think it was me and glued my eyes to the tv to watch the re airing of the yankees game til I felt the urge to siren it up again.

I also just remembered last night how all this siren shit began, right as we walking to a cab someone brought up that Raaaaaaaandy skit Aziz Ansari does and it reminded me of how Scott made me a soundclip of that stupid siren for my phone. Yea, I keep breaking that shit out in the middle of no where... I almost did it at work, but don't feel like explaining myself to co-workers or them complaining to the boss about me being unruly.

After a drink or so. we went back to Metro 53 to get Evan and his friends, but they didn't wanna leave. This resulted in my complaining about shit like "this place is a petri dish of scumbags" and "i could get chlamydia just by walking into this bar." It didn't work. After a shot of jager and a vodka soda (or was that gin soda? i can't remember, i kept switching it up) I went outside, chain smoked and talked on the phone til I went back in to leave... or thought we were leaving.

Dennis and I went back to his car. I started nodding off. Next thing I know, we're walking into the old Dicey Rileys in Yonkers (remember that place? where 12 year olds would go to drink cause they didn't give a shit about how old you were in there). Yea, it is next to this building Dennis' family owns and Dennis knows the new owner of the bar, whatever the hell it's called. It was a dead night. There was this one giant black dude in an affliction shirt and giant gold chain smoking a hookah by himself. There was some fat hispanic dude who wasn't informed glowsticks on strings was never popular among anyone but ravers in the 90s. There was this older hispanic guy, had to be in his 60s, who kept coming up to me and shaking my hand. There was a couch full of hot girls, but they left shortly after we showed up. For some reason, that bar came off as a giant ad for prophylactics. I feel this way because the owner handed me and Dennis these plastic mouth pieces for his hookah he bought us. That and the fact there was a giant pitcher filled to the brim with condoms.

After the bar closed around 4 we finally left for home. Well, we checked out how the building of his was next door and THEN we left.

I woke up late for work and covered in crumbs and Queen blasting. I think I made a grilled cheese sandwhich while listening to Queen when i came home but didn't have time to investigate since I was in such a rush. I need to take a fucking nap and a half as soon as I get home from work... and my phone just died again. Fuck me running.

And, now for my rant on DJs (cause I realize I didn't mix it into the rant of last night):

What in the fuck makes you think you're a dj when you just show up to a club with a laptop filled with itunes and sound effects? Seriously? Hey, lets go hire that douche at the frat party who was in charge of the ipod hooked up to the stereo! I mean, come the fuck on. vinyl is making a come back, why not hop on the bandwagon and pretend you were always into vinyl. Oh, and lets not forget the fact these so called DJs play quite possibly THE WORST selection of music. I'm not ragging on whatever is "hot" today but... ok, yes I am. I will say I am pleased that the DJ at the whiskey played Raspberry Beret by Prince, but whatever. One small leap for djs, still not giant enough for ramy-kind.

PS BWAR-BRAW-BRAW-BRAAAAAAAAWWWW (that's my attempt at typing out what that stupid siren effect sounds like).