Great Night Followed by Shitty Morning

This weekend has been great. I got a framed picture of a painting done by Dave Brockie that he signed "Oderus" (he's Oderus Urungus from Gwar for those of you not in the know). Why? Cause him and Mike Derks in his Ballsac the Jaws of Death persona were in Brooklyn the past 2 nights hosting the Crack-A-Thon. It was a little art show/hosting show of sorts? I dunno. It was basically an excuse for the two of them to blase obnoxious mock-German techno and interview whoever their guest per showing was. I went with Jared and Desiree. Of course, out of all the cool people they mentioned they already had as guests and all the guest coming the day after, we get gypt. They talked with Lloyd Kaufman, creator of the Toxic Avenger, and some dude dressed up as Toxie (read that as it apparently was just Lloyd and Oderus Urungus mocking each other the entire hour), they prank called Jello Biafra, they had Jamey Jasta come (not like I even like Hatebreed or anything) and they were having Andrew WK come to play piano and some other shit the next night (not that I care about Andrew WK, but I'm sure his antics would be amusing).

Who did we have? This girl whose name was something like Reverend Jen? I don't remember. Also, I had met her before. YEARS ago, when Dennis was interning with that Anarchy/Comedy Troupe who went by the name Toolz of the New School (remember those Guliani is a Jerk stickers? Yea, they made those... I think TJ still has that sticker on his bass... if he still has his bass). She still wears those fucking troll ears and talks all retarded sounding like a troll too. I think the only highlights of the night with her were when they guy working the projector put up a picture of her house (she's a big troll doll collector or something) and Oderus Urungus looked at the picture and goes "I wouldn't wanna fucking live there." When she asked why, he responded "it looks like someone wiped their ass all over your walls." The other part was, when she was reading a passage from her book that she wrote (which is basically abouse sexually depraved incident after sexually depraved incident), the phrase "3 un-princess like orgasms" was introduced to my vocabulary. OH YEA, and how can I forget this litle gem of stupidity pulled by Brockie. This girl was droning on about God knows what, and Brockie just falls, face first onto the floor, smashing through his mock interviewing table. People didn't know what to do, and as Jen, or whever the fuck that freak bitch's name was, starts to help him up, Derks just goes "don't help him, he falls all the time."

Fast forward to not getting the re-release of Sick of it All's first 7" or any of Pantera's re-releases on vinyl because unlike normal people, I work on weekends and get fucked in the long run as usual. What I'm trying to say in my half witted, barely sober mind is that shit was sold out and the girl behind the counter sarcastically told me "you're like, 8 hours late for that, dude." I looked at her, brow furrowing, and retorted back with, "Yea, you see, some of us have to work on weekends, if you're capable of realizing the fact you yourself are working right now. I couldn't make it. There's none left?" But, of course, I already knew the answer was no. Fucker.

Oh, and me in a good mood, you ask? How can I forget I found xanadu? Where you ask? Kate's in the east village. Jaerd and Desiree introduced me to the place. I've heard the name a million times, but I couldn't figure out why. It is a bar, with an all vegetarian/vegan menu, and I was then informed while eating, that this is the place Danzig throws all his post-NYC concert after parties. Sir, I don't think I have to inform you that the mixture of booze, good eating and Danzig make me as happy as a bear rolling in a bathtub full of porridge. I ordered this thing called the McKate. If you couldn't tell by the "Mc" in the title, it was their answer to McDonalds. BUt what? It was a fucking vegan Big Mac. Dude, not only was it amazingly awesome to the max, but it was amazingly awesome to the max. I need to go to that place as much as possible. I may just start showing up to Jared's unexpected like a fucking crack head just as an excuse to go there more... that or find someone else besides him and Desiree who wouldn't mind eating there and getting drunk.

Oh, and last night, I don't even remember most of it. I remember meeting up Dan later, then Ken met us up. Ken is GONE already from hanging out with these scum he knows. They keep feeding him shots, and finally Dan tells him to stop taking shots and get some coffee. Scott at this point is taking shots of tequila away from Ken and it dawns upon me that Scott is already a few gin and sodas in and then there was that vicodin... and I just say to myself I better not have to lug his dumb ass around in a few hours. No, no. I was the idiot this night. I don't remeber much. We went to the dreg bar across the street from where we were and Scott is ordering us shots of tequila. More tequila. And then some more tequila. Doubles of vodka soda and tequila is all that's in me. Maybe a slice or cheese too? I can't remember. I don't recall eating anything yesterday since whenever it was I went across the street to get lunch/have an excuse to oogle at the boobs on the girl who works there (Yes, I'm a classy mother fucker). But yea, where was I? Oh yea, so, Romil eventually meets us up after his date to say what's up before he goes home since he was in the area. At this point, I'm so drunk I'm opening the top of the tank to the toilet bowl in the bar and pissing in it, so when people flush, more piss comes out. Why I did this, I dunno. Maybe cause I thought it would be funny to do an upper decker, but couldn't muster up a turd, so I decided the consolation prize I'd give them was a tank full of piss. Yes, fucking tequila. I see Romil and all I really remember was hugging him and apologizing for I don't even remember what. Possibly for being an idiot? Who knows. You could tell Romil wanted to tell Dan or Scott to take my keys away from me, but if you just knew none of us were capable of driving so whatever.

The night ended with the Scott, Dan and I walking aimlessly looking for the car, as Dan is yelling at the two of us that not only did we walk a circle in the wrong direction trying to find the bar, but we can't even find my car, after I texted myself the corner it was near knowing I would forget where I parked it. Finally find it and head uptown to Inwood to drop off Dan. Instead, we go to Fidel's to get food. I stay in the car while Dan and Scott run in to grab some grub. As Dan and Scott were coming out, they were horrified to see me, standing in the street, dick just hanging out of my pants, as I am pissing all over the place and Dan just looks at me and goes "OH COME ON! Fuck this, I'm going home, talk to you later," and stormed off into that gentle night.

Scott eventually got in the car and we're such messes we just shoved food in our mouths like neanderthals. I'm sure if you were there, all you'd hear was grunting and heavy breathing as we ate the fuck out of our food. All else I recall was me driving with one eye open and then waking up this morning not remembering how I got to my bed... or home for that matter.

Writing this, it makes me think that I should compile a book of my best tequila fused stories and publish it with the title "The Tequila Cronicles". I mean, Hunter S. Thompson had the Rum Diary, why can't I have this? Yes? I figure if I did go through with it, it would just mean I'd go to Scott's, kill off that bottle of Montezuma Tequila I bought as a half-joke, and then go out and bring my Flip with me so even if I get black out drunk, the flip will catch the majority of myh antics. Maybe I should. I could write off my bar tabs as a business expense, right? Someone needs to get on my ass about this, cause if you know me, you know I am one lazy mother fucker.