The Bender to Ender December Part II

So, monday wasn't all that bad... for me at least. Kinda quiet (minus me screaming over my headphones on xbox live while I played Modern Warfare 2 with Scott earlier in the day). Basically monday was a day of lots of sleep to make up for the complete lack of sleep I got between Thursday and Sunday night.

Woke up to a bunch of texts from different people and then talked to Scott to find out he's in the dumps cause he was dumped... or something like that. I never really sat down and talked to him seriously for more than a few minutes of the subject (some friend, eh?)

So, what did I do? I was planning on going out tuesday for dollar beers or something but it turned into me taking Scott out to um... where the FUCK did we go? Oh yea, we went to Opal where Dan and Romil were hanging out having drinks together. We had a few drinks there and just shot the shit. There was some office party of some sort being held there. It was just this old dirty fucker with a bunch of young hot girls and some other old bag of a woman with them too. One girl had these RIDICULOUS boobs, and a nice ass. Jesus. This guy Dan kept refering to as "The Jersey Shore" kept hitting on her for a while net to us and we just kept making comments aomngst ourselves about how disgusted we were with this. At one point Romil accidentally spilled a beer all over Dan's coat and on Scott. This resulted in him making it up to us (even though I don't think anything really got on me) being given a round of this 15 year old scotch he just discovered recently. It was pretty good.

After a few rounds, we packed up our shit and left for across the street to this wine bar that Dan's friend was working at for the night. We just kept ordering rounds of gin and tonics til we got pretty shitted up. I think this was followed with shots of Jameson and that's around the time I was like "welp, I'm retarded right about now." Did I mention that when this girl serves us, she basically just pours an entire glass of gin and then puts like 3 droplets of tonic? All I pretty much remember in there was rounds of gin, fucking with the plug in menorah, and her being a fool for giving me and Scott quetionares to fill out. Some classic names written down were my "I. Ron Hyde" with the email "TransformersRule@gmail.com" and Scott's "Al B. Tross". Rory Calhoon got a few messages in basically saying something about wanting to motorboat "the blond with big cans". Haa. Dan kept telling us to be civil, but seriously, you put forms to fill out at a bar in front of drunk people with witty minds and what do you expect?

Around this time I was outside having a cigarette and I was informed that the girl was telling off Romil... so I of course continued to stay outside since last time I saw this girl I was informed she said I had many deep seeded issues (the time before that time I was kicked out the bar she worked at 3 times in one night... a new personal best if you ask me). Around this time Jose was texting me asking where we were so he could meet us up. He later found us across the street at this over priced pizza joint we eat at cause in that area of town, that's considered the cheaper of the pizzerias. That, and it's right next to all the bars. While ordering, Dan would ask for shit like "that 15 dollar slice over there" and "your premium 20 dollar bottled water" just being a dick to the guy cause of something that happened a while ago when he was in there once. We ate, Jose found us and we hopped in the car to give Dan a ride home.

We were all yelling shit at the window to people we were passing by. Of course, the one time I yell something out the window turns ugly. I yelled at some fat slob "Nice posture, fat ass!" This resulted in some guy, who I didn't even direct the comment to, chasing us 2 blocks down the street to a red light I was at, sticks his face in the window and goes "YEA! YOU SO TOUGH NOW?" I said "excuse me? was I talking to you?" He then kicked my car, goes "Yea, how do you like that?" and then runs off. Scott goes "did that guy just kick your car? Congratulations guy, you just kicked a car that no one cares about." We all started laughing hysterically at how retarded this guy was. Did I mention he looked like what I imagine Louis CK would look like if he just didn't shave at all?

But yea, after dropping Dan off, it was agreeded that we should all go to Down the Hatch for dollar beers. You know that feeling when you realize what was once a good place to have fun at is starting to make you feel old? Yea, it's starting to get like that when we go in there sometimes and tuesday night was one of those nights. The only fun we really had was when Scott just started bumping into some girl on purpose pushing her back and I was behind her, stomping my foot repeatedly at her like a horse in heat or something. She got so fucking freaked out and just ran off as we busted out hysterically laughing at her.

Other than that, i don't really know of what else we did that was noteworthy. OH, how can I forget. The scenes we made while sitting at the bar before we left. Singing nonsense into Scott's ear, bear hugging him and basically dry humping him and telling him to "accept it" as this couple sitting next to us looked on in shock, awe and confusion. Me repeatedly taking the tongs from the bar and snapping them at Scott and Jose and then finally me insinuating that we steal as many straws from the bar as possible. Basically just Scott shoved a shit ton of straws in his coat pocket as I kept trying to shove cocktail straws down his back pocket while running out laughing our asses off.

All else I can remember about that night was being in the hot dog joint on the corner of 4th and 6th (what the fuck is that place called? Something like Papaya Dog?) Nothing but sexual references to food were made while in there such as when the guy asked me what I wanted to order I pointed to Scott who put an order in for me with his, saying "he's gonna give me a big kenish" and "he's all the hot dog I need." The guy behind the counter was bewildered.

Wednesday night we were gonna go to the city, but I forgot Dan said he was gonna take the two of us to see the Nets lose with his dad. We picked him up from this bar/restaurant called the Bicycle Club or something and then we got lost from there. Ended up taking horrible side roads for a half an hour to an hour. Horrible. Then we get there and parking is horrible. The staff of people who work there are horrible. the way to get into the place is horrible. the team is doing beyond horrible. The seats we had on the other hand were pretty fucking good.In fact, here's the picture I took to send to Romil to show him how close to the court we were:



Like I said, they lost and I lost for paying 13 dollars for a beer and bag of nacho chips with nasty cheese and budget salsa.

Thursday wasn't too eventful. we went to 7-11, got Watermellon Four Loco and I passed out on Scott's couch watching King of the Hill with him.

Friday, Oh, friday. Friday, Scott came home from work and we headed out to Union Bar to show him what I would be doing while he's usually at Sarah's on Fridays. Drank gin and gatorade on the ride down to the city. Got to Union Bar and first thing out of my booze serving godess' mouth after she said her hellos to me was "where are your partners in crime?" We had a few drinks and I got it in my head to try and get this hot mess of a woman to hit on Scott. How hot of a mess was she? I think the first glance I got of her was her eating a chunk of cheese and kinda swaying drunkenly to the music while sitting on her bar stool, followed by her finishing the cheese, getting up and dancing like a wounded animal. Oh, and her hair looked like a beret off to it's side... but it was all hair. She was too drunk to even remember to go up to Scott, as well as was too busy grinding up on any filth bag that was horny enough to grind up on her, and all my attempts to have a good laugh to myself went out the window. Jose eventually met us up and so did Mr Dani aka Mr Nauti (haaa, I think maybe Scott is the only one that'll get that joke). Around this time Scott ordered some kinda shot called the angry nazi or the something or other. lemme tell you how it tasted. Remember Big Red chewing gum? Yea, now imagine that made out of poison. Yep. it was all cinamon tasting until the after taste kicked in, then you wonder if you just drank arsenic. Around this time is when Scott brushed past some guy and yelled something like "get out of my way, black dude!" Jose grabbed Scott, Mike tried talking to the guys that were offended by Scott. I saw nothing being resolved so I butt into the conversation, and trying to sound all professional, saying "excuse me gentlemen what seems to be the problem?" They went off repeating what Scott said and then that they think he's a racist, etc. I then respond with "no need to fear, I fight for diversity."They all looked at each other like "what the fuck?" and were so confused about the whole situation they just started laughing. Confusion and stupity saved Scott's ass from a beat down.

Eventually Loki rolled up and around this time is when Mike and Jose took Scott to McDonalds to sober him up and get some food in his belly. Me and Loki hung out at the bar drinking and doing rumple minz shots as I cursed his name for ordering them. eventually he and I closed our tabs out and met the rest of the guys up at McDonalds and basically sat tehre eating fries and watching Scott be a drunken mess. We decided on heading to Joshua Tree for a little bit, but that ended in Scott passing the fuck out in my car, Mike heading home after showing up and Loki heading home shortly after that. Me and Jose finished our drinks, went back to the car where Scott was passed out, and I took Jose home and then took Scott back home.

You ever hear the stories I am the only one to witness? The stories that involve me trying to drop a very black out drunk Scott off at his home? It usually involves him thinking I am going to kill him and throw him in the woods. Where this idea came from, no one will probably ever know. But yea. 20 minutes of me VIOLENTLY shaking him to try and wake him followed a few times by banging his head into the inside of the passenger door is about what happened. Yelling at him to wake up and get out of my car. This resulted in me opening my door, and keeping it open just in case he tries locking me out of the car with this insane fear of me killing him, going to his side of the car and ripping the door open followed by me going "get the fuck out of my car, you're home!" He looks up, sees the bushes and trees across the street from his house and goes "OH NO! NOT THE WOODS!" and fights me off and then slams the door closed on me. I then ran back around to my side of the car to make sure he didn't close it on me and I just start raining blows of open palmed slaps at him to get him out... finally he gets up and is like "jeez, ok. fine," and staggered off towards his house.

Yesterday, what happened? I wake up after a long post work nap and wake up to find out Scott's car is having trouble in the snow and he needs me to drive and John and his girlfriend are in town from New Mexico. Head to John's grandfather's where he's staying and all 4 of us meet up at this bar down the street for a few drinks with John's aunt. We left and went to a bar that actually accepted credit cards and a few drinks turned into many. Then it turned into John's girlfriend slapping me hard in the face. I felt it was undeserved, but whatever. Apparently, she doesn't like people using the term "retarded" (even after John was quoting a part from Daniel Tosh's standup where that phrase was used excessively) and the creme de la creme that resulted in me getting slapped was I called John a vagina or something and then when i said "you're girlfriend's right here" she just got up and slapped me as hard as could be. I just sat there in shock that I got slapped by this girl I just met and is dating my friend. Um, what else can I say to besmirch this girl's image? Oh, her sherlock holms style of theory that I am gay because I chew gum. Yes, apparently people think I'm gay because I chew gum and her gay friends back in New Mexico chew gum. If you think about it, the theory is irrefutable, no? Oh, did I mention she works with children who are kinda slow? So yea, the term "retarded" is a no-no, using physical force instead of talking things out is a yes!

So yea, that has been the week so far. Lord only knows what tonight has in store, if anything.

Fat guy at work is trying to convince me to go to an office mixer. I'm trying to convince Scott to come with me cause i am not going alone and obviously cannot pick up a date to save my life (especially since just about every girl I know doesn't talk to me anymore because of something or another lately). This is gonna be BAD if I do go. Ugh. Whatever. gotta actually go back to doing something productive at work since I actually came in. UGH

The Bender to Ender December Part I

So, Around last Thursday is when I believe this little bender started. It was a busy day involving me running around handing in my paper on a social experiment, wasting a lot of my day with this long ass meeting that basically went no where and then following this up with rushing home, taking a power shower, doing the WORST ironing job of a lifetime with my shirt I was gonna wear to the party and then rush off to my office for our Christmas party. Yes, the party was held at the office this year instead of the Italian place we go to every year? Why? Because my office and company have been becoming stingier as the months go on in this shit show of an economy (the best excuse for being cheap asses is the fact they told us we're "going green" which basically means I get to sit in this cave of an office with little to no lights on cause that's cheaper and easier than going down the street to the hardware store and buying energy saving bulbs).

ANYWAY, so the party was rock bottom. I mean like ROCK bottom. The only saving grace of the party was as I parked the car, TJ called me saying the plans for his birthday changed and we'd be leaving early Thursday night instead of Friday afternoon. Yep, that meant I had an excuse to leave the party early, which was needed. I show up a little late and discover no one showed up except for like my boss and 3 other people so far. Did I mention this travesty was a pot-luck dinner? Yea, it was like an eat at your own risk party basically. The only good thing I ate the entire party was this Italian guy made meatless lasagna cause he knew I don't eat meat. It was fucking amazing. Who knew this guy could cook? Not me, all I know is I like to listen to his dry-wit bitter remarks about people. This Irish woman (who I barely see except for at work related parties or if she actually comes in to do work for once) is known for plowing through wine at the Christmas parties. She brought her in her own bottle. It looked like a fucking tank shell of white zinfandel, it was so big. My boss also brought in some kinda puerto rican rum spiked egg nog. I recall describing it to someone (or maybe I posted on my twitter about it?) that it tasted like creamy burning. It was so fucking strong. My boss refused to let me drink more than one shot of it... so I jacked another cup from someone else that was pussy footing around and not drinking theirs right away.

After I ate and realized the only thing that was going to happen was people were gonna get drunker and ask me stupid questions I didn't feel like having conversations about, so I made up the excuse that I had to leave in 10 minutes and needed to rush home.

got home, did the fastest and most half assed packing any man has ever seen (did I mention i forgot to pack my underwear and a pair of dress shoes?) and then went off to Pennsylvania with TJ. The car drive down wasn't bad. Lot of chain smoking and shooting the shit/catching up with each other since we barely see each other nearly enough (wow, way to make us sound like an old gay couple, Ramy. Good job!)

We got down there and watched some TV with Evan who was already down there. We waited for Dennis to arrive and showed up to this bar I've been to once with them YEARS ago. Apparently it's all filled with local college kids this time of year. Kids with horrible taste in fassion and music might I add. Fucking with them gave me great joy. One in particular became the running gag of the weekend. TJ pointed out that she was like Artimis from Always Sunny. We kept fucking with her BAD every time we'd go outside for a cigarette and see her out there. Just blatantly making fun of her to her face, throwing things down her cleavage, stepping on her feet and asking her why she's wearing flip flops when it's fucking freezing outside, etc.

By the end of that night we were propper shitted up. I was basically barking at some hispanic girl that, shortly after, Evan just started walking with her and her friends pretending to be with the group and trying to get in the car with her until she was like "what the hell? get out of here."

The next morning was harsh. Filled with bull testicals being thrown on Evan's plate and me doing little dances and off-color remarks as TJ was trying to do actual physical labor to work on his house he built out there. This went on for most of the day, followed by me drinking gin and getting stupid right before we left for Atlantic City. The car ride was filled with me complaining I had to piss bad and TJ refusing to pull over to let me piss on the side of the road and repeatedly telling me to hold it in while I kept saying shit like "if I get Uromisotisis, it's on your head." Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore, and made Dennis chug what little Gin and pineapple (an actual slice of pineapple, not the juice... what? I was fucking drunk and it sounded like a good idea). After Dennis was done chugging it, I took the red party cup, kinda did this positioning so my dick wasn't just hanging out in the middle of the back seat, and took a major piss, basically FILLING the entire cup. This went on as TJ kept screaming not to piss on his interior, Dennis kept laughing his ass off and taking pictures and Evan screaming to put my dick away and to not get piss on him. I threw the cup out the window and we heard the biggest flop sound I've ever heard in my life come from throwing a cup full of piss out the window (yes, this wasn't the first time I've pissed in some form of drink container and then flung it out the window on the highway, sometimes while driving by myself I've done this. THAT takes talent, ladies and gentlemen).

Umm... about 10 to 20 minutes after the whole pissing incident, I realized I forgot my jeans back at TJ's dad's place out in PA. I tell them him to turn around and he just yells at me saying we're an hour away from the house and he refuses to turn around, pulls over, and makes me sift through the trunk to make sure I'm not just being a drunk idiot and actually did pack it for the trip to AC. I don't know why he did that cause as soon as I got back in the car he basically didn't turn around and said that him, Dennis and Evan will cover for drinks and food and that I'll have to just make sure I find a club or something that doesn't ID.

What ended up happening is we get to the hotel, I make a scene at the lobby desk pretending me and Evan are gay lovers and start inquiring what the hotel's policy is on "love stains" saying shit like "now do we clean it? do you? or do we just pick up a bill with the cleaning costs?" Then we got to the room, I showered, got dressed and after we were all ready, went down to meet up Nick and his girlfriend at this steakhouse in the casino/hotel they were staying at. Did I mention this was the same steak house that I went to the time me, Loki, Stathi and Mikey thought it was a good idea that after drinking til about 3 or 4am, we decided to go to AC the night the Giants won the superbowl last year? Yea. I exactted my revenge on that place by sticking gum to the bottom of the table they seated us at. Fuck you pompus waiter that Loki kept mouthng back off to last time we were there!

After dinner (did I mention when I ordered the mozzerella and red peppers, it was mozzerella slices the size of my fucking face?), everyone just kinda scattered to play blackjack and what have you. Me and Dennis couldn't play cause I didn't have an ID and his recently expired and he's waiting for his new one in the mail. I would just hang around tables and wait for waitresses to come and ask if I wanted a free drink. Add this in with me and Dennis wandering around craps tables and realizing they don't card and playing craps, filled with more free booze, and this basically went on til like 5am. Around the time we were leaving, we went looking for Evan, who was at a blackjack table with the most boistrous black couple ever. The girl was on in her game and the guy was yelling shit like "WE GOIN' SHOPPIN! MY BABY GETTING CLOTHES! WE GETTIN HATS!" and other shit like "WE GETTIN FENDI AND NOT THAT KNOCK OFF THRIFT STORE SHIT!"

After everyone was done playing Tj and Evan discovered they were both comped 60 dollars at some diner in the casino. What did that mean? Us sitting there til 6am still drinking, and stuffing our faces trying to use up all 120 dollars TJ and Evan had to the place. We got pretty close. I think our bill was like 102 bucks? Maybe a little more? All I have to say is the Huevos Rancheros made for quite the interesting taxi ride back to our hotel (read that as me basically repeatedly farting on Evan the entire ride back followed with him yelling at me and saying I'm disgusting). Oh, and speaking of disgusting in the taxi ride back, did I mention that the guy driving the cab was basically a runner for hookers? Trying to tell us he can find us some nice asians who'll give us "nice massages". We got back to the hotel around 6:30am and passed the fuck out watching Married With Children.

The next morning we got up and drove to Philly (majority of the time filled with me and Evan singing "FLIP-FLIP-FLIPADELPHIA") cause they all wanted Philly Cheesesteaks. Lemme tell you, some of the people who eat at these cheesesteak huts are just flat out disgusting human beings. This one guy looked like a fucking bum. A real bum, not one of those fake bums you see in plays and on tv. He had this disgustingly obese daughter and 2 sons that looked like aspiring delinquents.

After they all ate, we drove around Philly just looking at stupid shit and saying stupid shit to people we'd drive by... eventually we got lost as fuck doing this and had to look up on TJ's phone where the nearest gas station was and then look up how to get home. I blame the vegetable egg white flatbread sandwich I had for the horrendous gas I kept blasting on TJ the entire ride back to PA (or at least until I fell asleep... Good job DnD's black coffee for keeping me awake!)

From what I remember of Thursday night back in PA was a MESS! Me, TJ and Evan went out to this one bar (where apparently you can still smoke indoors at) for a bit. I am pretty sure this one guy standing next to me didn't like the smoke, so I kept blowing smoke around his area whenever i could. At one point Evan told me I was a disgusting human being for not covering my mouth when I cough. This gave me the idea to do a questionare. I went up to this girl and go "excuse me, but do you think I'm a disgusting human being?" She goes "no... not really." I turn to Evan and say "SEE!" At this time, one of her friends starts dragging her away all creeped out by me and I just unleash a nasty cough right in the girl's face. The girl was mortified. A little later I went towards the bathroom and see a buncha girls huddled outside the girl's bathroom. I go "what's the matter?" One said the girls in the bathroom were taking too long. I made some coke reference with my fingers and my nose and then told them to just suck it up and use the guy's bathroom. One girl goes "I think someone's in there. I said something like "are you kidding me? There can't be" I then, with a heard of girls huddled around me to watch, grab the bathroom door by the handles and tug on it hard enough to swing the door flying open. This guy looks up with this face of shock and embarassment as he's pissing and goes "WHAT THE HELL!" I turned around and told the girl "I guess you were right, it's occupied." I then walk in and the guy is like "what the hell are you doing?" I go "I wanna piss, hurry up." The guy left right there.

I think we finally left that bar around the time they started playing that tik-tok song by Kesha and I started doing high kicks like David Lee Roth and screaming about how I wanna ram my dick in her ass. I guess it was time to leave that bar anyway, I noticed the bouncers were all starting to glare at me.

We walked from that bar to the bar we were at on Thursday. Walked in and it was over crowded with mongoloids left and right. I can't really remember all of what happened, I should ask Evan for some hints as to my actions, but whatever. Here's the highlights I remember. Just bumping into people and then yelling in their ear, screaming something about Lady Gaga getting it in the ass over and over and everyone in the bathroom laughing at how beligerent I was being with the whole pissing and screaming nonsense, bla bla bla. Oh, at one point that fucking song Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus came on and I started yelling to turn the fucking song off and get the dj the fuck out of the bar. This one girl was like "oh come on, you know you secretly love the song." Her big black boyfriend agreed with her. I look at the two of them and go "mother fucker, I grew up on Slayer and Wu-Tang." The girl just had this gavoney look to her so I start saying shit to her and she ignores me. I then said something like "you know, those highlights in your hair make the world go 'round, right?" Her response? "you can leave now." I responded with sarcastically bowing to her and going on about how "her majesty has graced me and now I must make leave of absence upon her request."

Like I said, I don't recall much of that night other than the above stated and hitting on some girl outside the bar as it was closing and that going nowhere (as usual). We went to get pizza and I ate like a slob (no surprise there) and followed this up with going back to the dad's house to find Dennis passed out on the couch and us sneaking up on him to fuck with him but he woke up cause I guess he could sense my booze stenched breath breathing heavily over him.

That sunday after revolved around me not wanting to wake up, or live for that matter ,and then basically lamenting on and on about wanting to go out to get lunch and go home back to NY for the majority of the day followed by me basically sitting in the house eating home made french fries they deep fried and then eventually getting back to NY. I took a mini nap and followed it up with going to Scott's to kill off a thing of margaritas he made out of some margarita mix he won at his company Christmas party's raffle.