Pooper Bowl

Jesus. Things not to do. Drink about 5+ shots of Jager after taking a bottle of vodka down like a champ. Oh, and Cash and JV introduced me to something that I imagine would've gotten me pant-shitting drunk if I had more than the few sips I took of it. What is it? a little something called Patron and Mountain Dew. It is surprisingly not bad, and this is coming from someone who treats tequila like it's the holy water to my vampire.

I was supposed to wake up at 6:30 this morning... obviously that did not happen. 2 alarms and a slew of texts going off and I did NOT wake up. I went to my advertising class I'm taking. Showed up right on time... and that was because the one parking spot left in all of Harlem was a no parking on Mondays between the hours the class was. Fucking 45 dollar ticket receiving joy!

Do you know an hour of advertising class was for me today? Trying not to puke and repeatedly just turning it into the Ramy comedy hour special/the how long can I try and not puke marathon. I am starting to think the teacher doesn't like my adverse advertising approach to the class. Things like "hey fucker, lets get fucking drunk" as a Budwiser commercial idea.

The night before was horrendous. It started with me, Mike and Scott headed to the city in my mom's car that I borrowed.As we're about to go past the Yonkers toll, I get a call from TJ. I told Mike to answer it. Apparently I as supposed to pick him up and I was too tired to realize this. The drive there was bad. I was just zoning out and not paying any attention. We almost crashed cutting around some guy cause instead of slowing down, I decided to gun it and take the off ramp extremely hard and fast. All you heard was tires screeching almost the entire bend of the off-ramp.

Then, I don't listen to where we're going. First, if I wasn't told right before the exit on the FDR, we would've missed it. Then, I park on 52nd and 2nd. Where did we have to go? 56th between 5th and 6th. We walked that in the freezing cold. We met up Dan, Romil and Mike Dani (fuck, I guess I'll just refer to the 2 Mikes by their last names, since unlike me, they don't have awesome nicknames to be called by... yes, my real name is Mike, deal with it).

Anyway, so we went to this place and kept ordering rounds. I was doing shots of Jager and chasing em with vodka sodas. (now that I think of it, doing that shit for 2 nights in a row is probably why my kidney is killing me). Anyway, we hung out there for a while then, when Meredith met us up, we split up into 2 cabs to head to another bar. I don't have any recollection of where this bar was or what it's name was. Oh wait, I'm a fucking idiot. It was in Murray Hill, right next to 515 I think?

I dunno. We got pretty blitzed. We stayed there til closing time. I left and got pizza with TJ. Mike went off somewhere, and so did Dan. Apparently I was supposed to drive Dan home? I didn't know he called me til I got home and saw I had all these missed calls and texts from him. I fucking hate not having my phone on a clip. I never feel it vibrating in my pocket. Then again, not like I ever answer my phone unless I'm home and bored outta my mind... and not sleeping.

But yea, I left Scott and Meredith in the city cause I was tired of waiting for them as me and TJ just sat next to my mom's car chain smoking and complaining about how bitterly cold it was.

And, what am I doing today? It's Janell's birthday, so in true Eddie and Janell fashion, they wanna go to Off the Wagon for their dollar beer special. Scott and I are gonna go and it's gonna be redonky (that's ridiculous for those of you that don't speak Ramy Retard). I basically I say this cause Scott is driving and I'm just gonna get extra sloppy.

Ugh, I've got to shave today... maybe. Ok, yea. My face is fucking itchy as fuck right now.

Also, as a PSA, I must say that everyone has got to listen to more Gorilla Biscuits. One of THE best New York hardcore bands.I've been listening to nothing but Start Today and this bootleg called "Walter Sings the Hits" which is basically the band, sans Civ, playing Start Today, live in a rehearsal room and with Walter singing instead of Civ (ok, so the title track "Start Today" is an instrumental on this bootleg and they didn't do First Failure or Sitting Around At Home). BUT, there's more on it too. It also has the Moondog 7". Who is Moondog, you ask? It's the band Walter Schreifels was in after Gorilla Biscuits which basically went no where but Walter basically turned it into a band you may know, Quicksand. One of the best post-hardcore bands in my opinion. Then, on top of THAT there's 2 live 7" bootlegs on there and it ends with some demos from 86 and 87, but they suck cause it sounds like a skipping cd or more likely, was a cassette tape getting stuck in the tape deck as it was being transferred to CD. I don't really care cause those demos had no life to them like the official albums have. That, and I have the 86 demos already, so I don't care.

So yea, if you're a GB fan, you should MOST DEFINITELY download it... if you're too lazy, just ask me and I'll email it to you or something.

It's A Party

Today, January 11th 2010 marks my 27th birthday and yet another year I realize I have not gone anywhere with my life. So, to forget, I am going to be drinking myself stupid at the bar and probably bringing back the tour de fat that Scott and i used to do a few years ago (we'd basically just do a drunken trek across The Greenwich village to get meal after meal at various locations and sometimes even stop at this deli in Inwood on the drive home).

Who? Belligerent drunks who are down for last minute happenings.

What? the destruction of my liver for yet another year

When? Probably when I get my fat ass out of bed, shower, and get dressed... so about 9pm the earliest we're looking at.

Where? Off The Wagon: 109 Macdougal St (between Bleeker and W 3rd)

Why? My birthday + dollar beer specials running all night = probable disaster

How? Well, you see, when alcohol enters the blood stream, it inebriates you to a point and.... I think it's a lot easier to say I am a lush whose social circles include other lushes.

Yes, I know this is very last minute, but I never really ever like celebrating my birthday cause it just gets me depressed that I'm getting older and have nothing to show for it. Eddie called me earlier tonight asking if I wanted to go to Off the Wagon for dollar beers and I said sure (mainly because he said he'd be my sugar daddy and pay for most if not all of my drinks.. which is the equivalent to saying you'll donate money to build a new wing at a prestigious school) and decided to do this and post it on here since most of you creepy weirdos stalk me on this thing or twitter and it's easier than sending out mass texts or emails (ok, maybe texting or emailing would be easier/better, but I don't like getting swarmed with fucking texts or emails of stupidity all the time).

Done and Done (and yes, that picture of Danzig with a party hat and balloons is quite possibly the best birthday card ever made)

...oh yea, and a designated driver for me would just be peachy.

The Bender to Ender December Part II

So, monday wasn't all that bad... for me at least. Kinda quiet (minus me screaming over my headphones on xbox live while I played Modern Warfare 2 with Scott earlier in the day). Basically monday was a day of lots of sleep to make up for the complete lack of sleep I got between Thursday and Sunday night.

Woke up to a bunch of texts from different people and then talked to Scott to find out he's in the dumps cause he was dumped... or something like that. I never really sat down and talked to him seriously for more than a few minutes of the subject (some friend, eh?)

So, what did I do? I was planning on going out tuesday for dollar beers or something but it turned into me taking Scott out to um... where the FUCK did we go? Oh yea, we went to Opal where Dan and Romil were hanging out having drinks together. We had a few drinks there and just shot the shit. There was some office party of some sort being held there. It was just this old dirty fucker with a bunch of young hot girls and some other old bag of a woman with them too. One girl had these RIDICULOUS boobs, and a nice ass. Jesus. This guy Dan kept refering to as "The Jersey Shore" kept hitting on her for a while net to us and we just kept making comments aomngst ourselves about how disgusted we were with this. At one point Romil accidentally spilled a beer all over Dan's coat and on Scott. This resulted in him making it up to us (even though I don't think anything really got on me) being given a round of this 15 year old scotch he just discovered recently. It was pretty good.

After a few rounds, we packed up our shit and left for across the street to this wine bar that Dan's friend was working at for the night. We just kept ordering rounds of gin and tonics til we got pretty shitted up. I think this was followed with shots of Jameson and that's around the time I was like "welp, I'm retarded right about now." Did I mention that when this girl serves us, she basically just pours an entire glass of gin and then puts like 3 droplets of tonic? All I pretty much remember in there was rounds of gin, fucking with the plug in menorah, and her being a fool for giving me and Scott quetionares to fill out. Some classic names written down were my "I. Ron Hyde" with the email "TransformersRule@gmail.com" and Scott's "Al B. Tross". Rory Calhoon got a few messages in basically saying something about wanting to motorboat "the blond with big cans". Haa. Dan kept telling us to be civil, but seriously, you put forms to fill out at a bar in front of drunk people with witty minds and what do you expect?

Around this time I was outside having a cigarette and I was informed that the girl was telling off Romil... so I of course continued to stay outside since last time I saw this girl I was informed she said I had many deep seeded issues (the time before that time I was kicked out the bar she worked at 3 times in one night... a new personal best if you ask me). Around this time Jose was texting me asking where we were so he could meet us up. He later found us across the street at this over priced pizza joint we eat at cause in that area of town, that's considered the cheaper of the pizzerias. That, and it's right next to all the bars. While ordering, Dan would ask for shit like "that 15 dollar slice over there" and "your premium 20 dollar bottled water" just being a dick to the guy cause of something that happened a while ago when he was in there once. We ate, Jose found us and we hopped in the car to give Dan a ride home.

We were all yelling shit at the window to people we were passing by. Of course, the one time I yell something out the window turns ugly. I yelled at some fat slob "Nice posture, fat ass!" This resulted in some guy, who I didn't even direct the comment to, chasing us 2 blocks down the street to a red light I was at, sticks his face in the window and goes "YEA! YOU SO TOUGH NOW?" I said "excuse me? was I talking to you?" He then kicked my car, goes "Yea, how do you like that?" and then runs off. Scott goes "did that guy just kick your car? Congratulations guy, you just kicked a car that no one cares about." We all started laughing hysterically at how retarded this guy was. Did I mention he looked like what I imagine Louis CK would look like if he just didn't shave at all?

But yea, after dropping Dan off, it was agreeded that we should all go to Down the Hatch for dollar beers. You know that feeling when you realize what was once a good place to have fun at is starting to make you feel old? Yea, it's starting to get like that when we go in there sometimes and tuesday night was one of those nights. The only fun we really had was when Scott just started bumping into some girl on purpose pushing her back and I was behind her, stomping my foot repeatedly at her like a horse in heat or something. She got so fucking freaked out and just ran off as we busted out hysterically laughing at her.

Other than that, i don't really know of what else we did that was noteworthy. OH, how can I forget. The scenes we made while sitting at the bar before we left. Singing nonsense into Scott's ear, bear hugging him and basically dry humping him and telling him to "accept it" as this couple sitting next to us looked on in shock, awe and confusion. Me repeatedly taking the tongs from the bar and snapping them at Scott and Jose and then finally me insinuating that we steal as many straws from the bar as possible. Basically just Scott shoved a shit ton of straws in his coat pocket as I kept trying to shove cocktail straws down his back pocket while running out laughing our asses off.

All else I can remember about that night was being in the hot dog joint on the corner of 4th and 6th (what the fuck is that place called? Something like Papaya Dog?) Nothing but sexual references to food were made while in there such as when the guy asked me what I wanted to order I pointed to Scott who put an order in for me with his, saying "he's gonna give me a big kenish" and "he's all the hot dog I need." The guy behind the counter was bewildered.

Wednesday night we were gonna go to the city, but I forgot Dan said he was gonna take the two of us to see the Nets lose with his dad. We picked him up from this bar/restaurant called the Bicycle Club or something and then we got lost from there. Ended up taking horrible side roads for a half an hour to an hour. Horrible. Then we get there and parking is horrible. The staff of people who work there are horrible. the way to get into the place is horrible. the team is doing beyond horrible. The seats we had on the other hand were pretty fucking good.In fact, here's the picture I took to send to Romil to show him how close to the court we were:



Like I said, they lost and I lost for paying 13 dollars for a beer and bag of nacho chips with nasty cheese and budget salsa.

Thursday wasn't too eventful. we went to 7-11, got Watermellon Four Loco and I passed out on Scott's couch watching King of the Hill with him.

Friday, Oh, friday. Friday, Scott came home from work and we headed out to Union Bar to show him what I would be doing while he's usually at Sarah's on Fridays. Drank gin and gatorade on the ride down to the city. Got to Union Bar and first thing out of my booze serving godess' mouth after she said her hellos to me was "where are your partners in crime?" We had a few drinks and I got it in my head to try and get this hot mess of a woman to hit on Scott. How hot of a mess was she? I think the first glance I got of her was her eating a chunk of cheese and kinda swaying drunkenly to the music while sitting on her bar stool, followed by her finishing the cheese, getting up and dancing like a wounded animal. Oh, and her hair looked like a beret off to it's side... but it was all hair. She was too drunk to even remember to go up to Scott, as well as was too busy grinding up on any filth bag that was horny enough to grind up on her, and all my attempts to have a good laugh to myself went out the window. Jose eventually met us up and so did Mr Dani aka Mr Nauti (haaa, I think maybe Scott is the only one that'll get that joke). Around this time Scott ordered some kinda shot called the angry nazi or the something or other. lemme tell you how it tasted. Remember Big Red chewing gum? Yea, now imagine that made out of poison. Yep. it was all cinamon tasting until the after taste kicked in, then you wonder if you just drank arsenic. Around this time is when Scott brushed past some guy and yelled something like "get out of my way, black dude!" Jose grabbed Scott, Mike tried talking to the guys that were offended by Scott. I saw nothing being resolved so I butt into the conversation, and trying to sound all professional, saying "excuse me gentlemen what seems to be the problem?" They went off repeating what Scott said and then that they think he's a racist, etc. I then respond with "no need to fear, I fight for diversity."They all looked at each other like "what the fuck?" and were so confused about the whole situation they just started laughing. Confusion and stupity saved Scott's ass from a beat down.

Eventually Loki rolled up and around this time is when Mike and Jose took Scott to McDonalds to sober him up and get some food in his belly. Me and Loki hung out at the bar drinking and doing rumple minz shots as I cursed his name for ordering them. eventually he and I closed our tabs out and met the rest of the guys up at McDonalds and basically sat tehre eating fries and watching Scott be a drunken mess. We decided on heading to Joshua Tree for a little bit, but that ended in Scott passing the fuck out in my car, Mike heading home after showing up and Loki heading home shortly after that. Me and Jose finished our drinks, went back to the car where Scott was passed out, and I took Jose home and then took Scott back home.

You ever hear the stories I am the only one to witness? The stories that involve me trying to drop a very black out drunk Scott off at his home? It usually involves him thinking I am going to kill him and throw him in the woods. Where this idea came from, no one will probably ever know. But yea. 20 minutes of me VIOLENTLY shaking him to try and wake him followed a few times by banging his head into the inside of the passenger door is about what happened. Yelling at him to wake up and get out of my car. This resulted in me opening my door, and keeping it open just in case he tries locking me out of the car with this insane fear of me killing him, going to his side of the car and ripping the door open followed by me going "get the fuck out of my car, you're home!" He looks up, sees the bushes and trees across the street from his house and goes "OH NO! NOT THE WOODS!" and fights me off and then slams the door closed on me. I then ran back around to my side of the car to make sure he didn't close it on me and I just start raining blows of open palmed slaps at him to get him out... finally he gets up and is like "jeez, ok. fine," and staggered off towards his house.

Yesterday, what happened? I wake up after a long post work nap and wake up to find out Scott's car is having trouble in the snow and he needs me to drive and John and his girlfriend are in town from New Mexico. Head to John's grandfather's where he's staying and all 4 of us meet up at this bar down the street for a few drinks with John's aunt. We left and went to a bar that actually accepted credit cards and a few drinks turned into many. Then it turned into John's girlfriend slapping me hard in the face. I felt it was undeserved, but whatever. Apparently, she doesn't like people using the term "retarded" (even after John was quoting a part from Daniel Tosh's standup where that phrase was used excessively) and the creme de la creme that resulted in me getting slapped was I called John a vagina or something and then when i said "you're girlfriend's right here" she just got up and slapped me as hard as could be. I just sat there in shock that I got slapped by this girl I just met and is dating my friend. Um, what else can I say to besmirch this girl's image? Oh, her sherlock holms style of theory that I am gay because I chew gum. Yes, apparently people think I'm gay because I chew gum and her gay friends back in New Mexico chew gum. If you think about it, the theory is irrefutable, no? Oh, did I mention she works with children who are kinda slow? So yea, the term "retarded" is a no-no, using physical force instead of talking things out is a yes!

So yea, that has been the week so far. Lord only knows what tonight has in store, if anything.

Fat guy at work is trying to convince me to go to an office mixer. I'm trying to convince Scott to come with me cause i am not going alone and obviously cannot pick up a date to save my life (especially since just about every girl I know doesn't talk to me anymore because of something or another lately). This is gonna be BAD if I do go. Ugh. Whatever. gotta actually go back to doing something productive at work since I actually came in. UGH