The Story of Duke

Hi, my name is Duke. Ramy doesn't like me cause I'm Duke. He will probably set me on fire, piss on me and fire a loaded gun at me (not in that particular order). Why? Cause Ramy probably has deep seeded Rhasta Jah beliefs he doesn't even know about and thinks I'm a faggot and a gay. the Rhastas stone gays, you know. The fact Channing Tatum played me in the Rise of Cobra doesn't help my case since Ramy thinks he's a tip-toe dancing fairy. Why would Ramy even buy me if he hates me so much? Well, I came with Cobra Commander, see. (I think Ramy is a little faygala for Cobra Commander like he is for the Joker if you ask me). Becuase I had to be stuck together in a package with this deformed, masked freak, I am probably going to end up as a melted piece of plastic that will be thrown on the neighbors lawn that he hates (from what I gather, that's every person on the block he lives on... no matter what state he moves to). What pisses me off is I heard him say he's gonna buy my ex-girlfriend in the movie, Baroness, and use her as "target practice", but I don't think he's talking about target practice with the gun fire bullets out of but... well, yea... lets just say I am not fond that my ex girlfriend is gonna be showered with semen anytime soon.

God, living with this asshole is horrible. He comes home from work and passes out for hours. Then, if he actually wakes up, he goes and gets drunk and then steps on me and other shit and yells nonsense. Last night I saw him knock over a bunch of things on purspose yelling obcenities until he passed out watching caroons. God, do you know what awful shit they play on cartoon network at odd hours of the night? Yea, he doesn't know cause he was drunk and mumbling math equasions and angry sexual things the entire time he was asleep. I on the other hand had to listen to that and awful cartoons that no kid (or mentally undeveloped young adult) in their right mind would watch.

But anyway, I'm just glad that idiot hasn't thought of taking a hammer to me yet.. which scares me cause I know the above mentioneds of shooting, setting ablaze and pissing on will probably be correct guesses as to what will be done to me. God, this kid is so angry. I don't even think a psychiatrist could help him. He seems like the kinda kid who would start making fart sounds with his mouth as the poor pyschiatrist would be trying to ask questions to evaluate ol' captian looney tune.

Shit, I think he knows I'm writing this. I better go back to hiding in the bag he forgot where he put it before he comes at me with a saw or remembers he has a vicegrip somewhere in the basement.

(Spotted) Week in Review

I don't remember what I wanted to write when I opened this before I left for my lunch break, but whatever. I got something else to tell you peoples abouts. It's a little drinking game I came up with (drunk) a week ago. I call it "Noah's Ark". Why is it called Noah's Ark? Because you drink 2 of every shot. At first, my idea was for you to go to a bar and take 2 shots of every bottle they have. Then, thinking realistically about it, I think the only alcoholic who could pull this off is that Tucker Max fellow but then again, A) 3/4ths of you probably don't even know who he is and B) who cares? (he's from old money and he's a drunk asshole who writes books about his drunken mis-adventures... Yes, I'm told people that his book reminds them of me, but i digress). Anyway, I dunno. I imagine it'd be like a long island ice tea of shots. I'd wanna test this game out, in a public forum. I mentioned to Scott my idea of us going to a bar with a camera man following us and documenting the course of actions, the tab as well as the ensuing results of the two of us drunk and on the loose (usually hilarity ensues as the result). Then again, if anyone wants to back me on this and send me funds for a camera/camera man, money for the tab and punitive damages I imagine I'd end up having in legal fees from the resutls (as well as medical bills for what I'd imagine would result in me needing dyalasis), I'd be more than happy to oblidge with letting you put that fat check (or sleak plastic) in my paw.

and speaking of kidney failure, the summer is almost over and no one has thrown a party. You know, the kinda party where I am asked to make jungle juice, I do my thing, and the next thign I know I am getting angry texts and phone calls about how people hate me and asking me if I put rufinol in the vat of accumulated boozes. Anyone? Bah, whatever. Here's to hoping at least Dennis throws a little get together at his place for a Labor Day weekend BBQ and booze-a-thon. I wonder who, if anyone, has pictures from the last time we did that? You remember? The time we set half the backyard on fire? me running around wearing a motorcycle helmet and aviators, running around on magic and booze, screaming? Me and Romil killing off somewhere between 3 and 5 bottles of ouzo? Antiquing Aker's then-girlfriend minutes after meeting her? repeatedly hot-footing Dennis througout the night after he passed out as chicken scraps were strategically placed on him? Anyone? No? Bah. No one remembers cause we were shit houses 3 ways to Mars, but the camera remembers, and that's what I'd like to see. Actually, come to think of it, if I could somehow get my old cellphone working, I believe there is video footage AND video footage of the shennanigans involving a passed out Dennis... and possibly a video of him drunk and dancing in the inferno we created (thinking back on it, that was not up to fire code... or normal standards and practices for that matter). I just need to borrow someone's enV 2 battery for this footage to be released to the world like a plague (or, judging by the amount of traffic this fucking blog gets, an annoying gnat).

In other news...

I saw Atmosphere with Jose on Monday. The day started out with me meeting him at Ace bar for a beer or two. That turned into 5. It would have been 4, but who turns down a free round when the bartender offers? When we got to Webster Hall, we got more beers and shots. I recall Jose talking up some girls and I dunno what happened cause when I got back, he was telling me they were worthless whores who liked fags instead. Around the time Atmosphere came on I ran into Natasha and we had a smoke and a talk which turned into us missing most of the end of their set, maybe even half of it for all I know. Oh, and here's a video Natasha made me hip to that her friend took a video of outside the club before the show. I can't stop laughing at Slug's facial expression as this kid raps to him... and the fact that it is the same exact face both times the camera turns to him:



Anyway, after the show, I got tired of walking around with a bag with a hoodie in it and a t-shirt hanging out the front of my pants like I'm some street hood and we went to drop my shit off in the car(side note: hoodies in plastic bags make for hilarious prop in using to get people out of your way at a crowded bar/club scenario). Afterwards, we headed to Nino's for pizza. This lead to a very drunk me dumping a very drunken amount of garlic powder on my pizza which I tried getting off the pizza, but it didn't work. This lead later to my burps smelling like bad garlic the remainder of the night and Jose laughing as Natasha would freak out and yell at me calling me disgusting, dirtbag, ad nauseum with the name calling of how I'm an ass. This went on til about 3 or so am hanging out at Lucy's. I think we called it quits when we noticed we were quoting lines from Hook, which was on the tv at that time, before the lines were even said in the movie. That, and Jose kept yelling "RU-FI-OOOOOOH!" every now and then.

And onto last night's adventures (or lack there of)...

lets see. Drank a few beers and took a few swigs of Rumple Minz at Dennis'. Watched some Always Sunny episodes waiting for for TJ and Dennis to get dressed. Headed to Ramsey for Ashley's birthday. Lame. Went to Suffern for (more) drinks. Not much went on there. There was a heard of fat chicks there last night. Left. Went to Yonkers, to where Dicey Rileys used to be. It's called Clique now and it's full of nothing but hispanics blasting obnoxiously loud spanish music as they smoke from hookahs and drink hennesy and red bulls. Left. Went to Inwood for a second cause Dennis had to check up on the garage. Kept getting phone calls from Romil lost asking for directions home. Was gonna go back home with TJ and Dennis and hang out with them and Romil (yea, he eventually found his way home) but ended up going home to this:



...yes, that's a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Apparently I felt artistic and took a picture of my half eaten sandwich sitting on my night table (mainly because I wandered off and came back to my room and forgot I had made the sandwich, let alone ate half of it.