The Freaks Come Out at Night

Me and Mike were walking down Rivington Street in the Lower East Side last night. A woman stops her car, gets out and asks us for help. We're like "ummm... ok? What's the matter?" in horribly broken english, she tells us she just got her drivers license and she can't parallel park. Me and Mike look at each other in a shock/awe way and I say sure. I get in the car and it is filled with 3 or 4 little kids yelling in Spanish. I turn around and see all these kids and go "what up?" and start parking the car for her. I then got out, walked back to the sidewalk across the way where Mike was standing with the woman and then we wandered off. Quite possibly the most awkward thing that's happened to me in NYC as of late.

THEN, we get to Delancy. We stop at the Burger King over there. Mike's getting ready to order his food. I'm standing to the side where there's 3 kids. This guy who looked like he was all kinds of fucked up on booze and/or drugs just barges in, and starts getting in faces asking if anyone needs to use the bathroom. Starts pounding his fists on the bathroom door and then turns around and says something like "Anyone need to use the bathroom? I'm gonna be in there a loooong time." People sitting down eating were even giving each other weird looks in response to that statement. As soon as an employee unlocked the bathroom door for the guy me, mike and the 3 kids standing around all just look at each other and go "what the fuck?" We all start laughing. As Mike was about to get his food, the guy came barging out of the bathroom with his head soaking wet and just started power walking to the front door.

I think those were the only real highlights of randomness. OH, that and when we got to the bar, Mike went to the bathroom and as I was turning around to walk back to the table where Arielle and her friends were sitting this gay pizza delivery guy came in to drop off a pizza and he and I both got ran down by some loon who just started shoving into each of us seperately as he went for the door outta the bar. I wish I could remember exactly what the gay pizza delivery guy said but I can't... but it was fucking hilarious and I started laughing my ass off as soon as he started going off on the guy.

Oh, and San Loco was had. Sweet glorious San Loco. I hadn't had any in a while and it had been mentioned several times lately. Starting with Dan ranting about it at Wiseman's birthday party (and he eventually left to go get some, which I should have joined him in doing) and then again it was brought up how I met some people up there one time cause that's where they met for the first time... I think. I dunno. Whatever, it's like a tradition this couple. Anyway, Mike asked me if it was nearby. I said I only really know where the one on 4th avenue is exactly and that all i know is there's another one in the LES but I was not sure where. He looked it up on google maps on his phone and we discovered it was literally around the corner from where we were. We got some good food, ate in the car, headed west. Pissed and had a drink at the Slaughtered Lamb (haven't been in there in ages). It was crowded and there was this not that good looking waitress with her asshole basically hanging out of her shorts that I couldn't stop staring at. There was also a bartender with her tits falling out that I could not stop staring at whenever she was in my line of vision. After that, we got fat some more on Joe's pizza. Some guy saw me dumping garlic powder all over my slices and goes "Jesus, man!" I looked at him and go "what? I fucking like garlic. At least you know I'm not a vampire," and then left to head back to the car with Mike. Speaking of garlic and being anti-vampires, there was this guy walking down Rivington St that decided to show he was anti-twilight with a garlic bandoleer:



So fucking random.

But yea, that was the gist of last night. Throw in me and Mike listening to Initium a bunch of times on ye olde cassette tape and that's basically last night in a nutshell. Well, that and Mike playing Transformers soundboards off his cell phone, him switching it up between meowing at people while wearing my "cat-head" mask and yelling GI Joe/Cobra related nonsense while wearing my Cobra Commander helmet that I had both of in my back seat as I drove to the FDR to go home.

Oh yea, and if anyone used to save my old blogs (anything written/posted before January 24th, 2009) please lemme know. I wanna compile my old ones together and go through them, but I don't have them saved anywhere. I know some of you weirdos used to save them cause some of you told me you saved them. Well, here I am calling you out for having em and me wanting em. So lemme know. I rarely if ever go on myspace anymore and wanna transfer all my old blogs elsewhere(in fact, the only reason I went on this last time was to post something similar to this request on there in a bulletin that will go unnoticed since everyone is head over heels for facebook these days).

Oh yea... and the amount of half naked vagina that was strutting around the LES last night? OH MY FREAKING GOD! So much. So hot. I think I got herpes just looking at them. At one point me and Mike saw what I refered to as the "hoochie fa hoochie parade". Christ. I gotta start hanging out down there on weekends again. I haven't really hung out a lot down there since I was like 21 or 22.

The Hunt for Cobra Commander

Here's a picture of me trying on my costume for the first time a few weeks ago (I took the picture in my sister's old room cause the mirrors in mine are all smashed and cracked, don't judge me because of the pink walls and curtains or whatever those things are called):



Yes, it's of Cobra Commander.

Pros: it's mother fucking bad ASS. I get away with staring at tits like you wouldn't believe because the mask is a two way mirror.

Cons: no pockets (I have to hang my keys and a pouch with my license, credit cards and cash in it, on one of those key leshes). pissing is a pain in the ass cause since it's basically a giant onsie I have to take the whole upper part off of me just to whip the ol' boy out to piss. Since I clipped my cellphone onto the fake belt that kinda hangs from me loosely, I didn't really notice people were calling and/or texting most of the night and woke up to a PLETHORA of missed texts and calls, oh well, not like I woulda answered them anyway.

Anyway, I am too lazy to recap last night's events so here's an email I just sent Jared to let him know how last night went since he didn't ask.

Went out last night in my cobra commander getup for last night's bar crawl. What a train wreck. I think out of all the girls, maybe one girl knew who I was suposed to be.One girl asked me "you're supposed to be from that battlestar galactica show, right?" another asked if I was darth vader. Some dumb bouncer at one of the bars goes "Hey, It's captain amazing!" I was like "what in the fuck is that? no." But yea, the statistics of women talked to were brutal. I showed up to the first bar to register for the bar crawl. There were these 2 fat girls pouring out of their costumes eyeing me. I ignored them til people I knew actually showed up. My friend Dan just looked in the direction of this one girl and she gave him this look of disgust. There was this pair of girls at the first bar who we ran into at the second bar we went to. One was a mermade the other was supposed to be a trophy wife (but she was far from a trophy). She basically just had on some shiney silver and gold skirt/dress with a sash that said "trophy wife" and a tiara (that I kept trying to take off her head and put on some bald dude at the third bar we were at that they showed up to as well. My friend Dan was trying to hit on the Mermade one (even though I thought she looked like a dude with a wig on), I guess cause she had a nice body. My friend Romil kinda just stood there and talked to the trophy wife one while I get stuck talking to these 2 indian dudes I thought were Romil's friends for a second til I realized they were just two losers who gravitated towards him since he was Indian too.

By the second bar the chubby trophy wife one started talking to me and just looking like an even bigger idiot. Her shoe fell off her foot at one point and went under her chair. I kinda kicked it away and into the dance floor cause I thought it'd be funny.She started whining like an idiot that she couldn't believe I'd kick her shoe, bla bla bla. We left soon after cause my friend Dan was like saying how he couldn't talk to a girl who thought some ugly dude was hot. I wish I could remember who she said, but whatever.

After we left that bar, we went to the last bar on the list of bars doing the bar crawl cause it was the only one that had the specials til 2am. Also, with a name like "Duke's" it's guaranteed to be a dump filled with messes of human life. My friend Eddie and his fiance Janell met us up at this point as we were walking to the bar to witness the wreck that is my life. I dunno where to begin with this bar. First this rather large girl dressed as some kinda Indian woman wouldn't stop talking to me when I went out for a cigarette (yea, I udnno what was with the theme of Indians around me either, but whatever). Um, another girl who I saw earlier in the night who did a couples thing where she was popeye and her boyfriend was olive oyl started talking to me. I was wondering in the back of my head "where is her dumbass of a boyfriend in drag?" Minutes later this oaf comes storming across the bar from the bathroom and starts being overly agressive with me. I ignored him and went back to talking to his girlfriend in hopes I wouldn't get fists thrown at me in a few minutes. Around this time, Dan was hitting on two girls wearing the same stupid costume. Both were wearing black jeans, black and white stripped shirts and black berettes with black fingerless knit gloves. I don't even know what they were supposed to be, French? ANyway, we ended up getting a table together and Dan talked to the black girl while me and her friend kinda just sat at the other end of the table staring into our phones, butting in and out the conversation Dan and the black girl were having ever so often. The girl next to me got up and disappeard for a while and then the black girl soon followed. I started eating the one girl's french fries as Dan ate some of the chicken wings the other girl ordred and kept yelling at me "EAT THEIR FOOD, EAT IT, THEY'RE WHORES, THEY WONT NOTICE!" The black one came back... oh, she noticed. First thing out of her mouth was "who ate our food?" She looked DIRECTLY at me and goes "I know it was you." I was like "i didn't touch your chicken fingers cause I don't eat meat." She didn't believe me til Dan chimed in to go "yea, he doesn't eat me, he's some kinda fag or something. I think they call him a vegetarian."

After a while I went back to where Eddie and Janell were sitting at the other end of the bar cause I didn't wanna be there when the other girl noticed almost all her fries were missing. They pointed out a girl that I'd like (aka she was a drunk mess who could barely sit in her seat and was most asuredly easy). I went over to talk to her and I couldn't even get a word in before she goes "GI JOE! YOU'RE COBRA COMMANDER!" I was like "well, fuck. someone finally got it right." Things were actually going along well (she wasn't some disgusting slam hog or anything and she looked good... and she was the first girl to get it right with who I was supposed to be). Of course, in comes the catch. Her annoying dumpling looking Asian friend. For every word I had to say, this Asian friend had 10 more to add. I was like "oh, what are you supposed to be." The girl starts to tell me and her Asian friend butts in. I don't have a costume, I'm holding her wings for her!" I look at her and go "that's fantastic" and go back to talking to the other girl. The girl asked me where I was from and I said the southern part of Westchester county, right above Manhattan." She said she was from Ohio. As I was about to ask her what she's doing down here, her stupid friend interupted with "I'M FROM CALIFORNIA." I kinda don't give her any attention and just mutter "that's great" and start to try and talk to the other one before the Asian starts going off saying "I'm from the LA area, do you know LA?" I go "yea" she goes "oh, you do?" and starts telling me what town she's from and how it's east LA and this and that. At this point I am just staring at the girl I was trying to talk to this whole time with this look on my face like "why am I standing here?" I ended up just slowly backing away and going back to Eddie and Janell. The girl asked a little while before I left the bar if she bored me and that's what drove me away. I said "nah it isn't" and then followed that up by pointing to her very annoying Asian friend to insinuate she was the reason I walked away.

I ended up leaving with my Dan around 1 or so. Him passed out in the car and me listening to shitty music on the radio cause he kept complaining about my "angry death music" (it was an old cassette tape I made 10 years ago that had Misfits on one side and Gwar on the other, far from "angry" at least).

The Story of Duke

Hi, my name is Duke. Ramy doesn't like me cause I'm Duke. He will probably set me on fire, piss on me and fire a loaded gun at me (not in that particular order). Why? Cause Ramy probably has deep seeded Rhasta Jah beliefs he doesn't even know about and thinks I'm a faggot and a gay. the Rhastas stone gays, you know. The fact Channing Tatum played me in the Rise of Cobra doesn't help my case since Ramy thinks he's a tip-toe dancing fairy. Why would Ramy even buy me if he hates me so much? Well, I came with Cobra Commander, see. (I think Ramy is a little faygala for Cobra Commander like he is for the Joker if you ask me). Becuase I had to be stuck together in a package with this deformed, masked freak, I am probably going to end up as a melted piece of plastic that will be thrown on the neighbors lawn that he hates (from what I gather, that's every person on the block he lives on... no matter what state he moves to). What pisses me off is I heard him say he's gonna buy my ex-girlfriend in the movie, Baroness, and use her as "target practice", but I don't think he's talking about target practice with the gun fire bullets out of but... well, yea... lets just say I am not fond that my ex girlfriend is gonna be showered with semen anytime soon.

God, living with this asshole is horrible. He comes home from work and passes out for hours. Then, if he actually wakes up, he goes and gets drunk and then steps on me and other shit and yells nonsense. Last night I saw him knock over a bunch of things on purspose yelling obcenities until he passed out watching caroons. God, do you know what awful shit they play on cartoon network at odd hours of the night? Yea, he doesn't know cause he was drunk and mumbling math equasions and angry sexual things the entire time he was asleep. I on the other hand had to listen to that and awful cartoons that no kid (or mentally undeveloped young adult) in their right mind would watch.

But anyway, I'm just glad that idiot hasn't thought of taking a hammer to me yet.. which scares me cause I know the above mentioneds of shooting, setting ablaze and pissing on will probably be correct guesses as to what will be done to me. God, this kid is so angry. I don't even think a psychiatrist could help him. He seems like the kinda kid who would start making fart sounds with his mouth as the poor pyschiatrist would be trying to ask questions to evaluate ol' captian looney tune.

Shit, I think he knows I'm writing this. I better go back to hiding in the bag he forgot where he put it before he comes at me with a saw or remembers he has a vicegrip somewhere in the basement.

I Spy - Ramy Edition: Vol. 1

Yea, so I'm biting Kyle's style and doing a blog like he does. Sue me.

Cobra Commander 12" figure from the new Rise of Cobra movie toys (yea, I bought it)

Someone from Maryland who needs to be told the Ruff Ryders are soooo 1998. Yea, there's a giant chrome logo and it says "Ruff Ryders" in cursive on the bottom of the trunk and back side windows.

Little black girls wearing pink and red superman capes while waiting on line at Shop Rite.

Yes, that says "Steven Segal, DDS Pediatric Dentistry" The plethora of jokes I could go on about as to how teeth removal is done in that office.

And thus concludes Volume 1 of this nonsense. You may now return to your previously scheduled internet browsing.