The 2009 Halloween Story

I left work an hour early so I could get down to the city to register for the night's barcrawl. I finally got a spot and ran to the place. I got there at 6:01 and the guy told me "registrations closed." I said "Really, you're really gonna push this registration ends at 6 on the dot bullshit? are you fucking kidding me?" He did the whole "i'm bigger and blacker than you approach to me. I told him to go fuck himself and walked away. My friend gave me one of his childhood friends' bracelet cause he was gonna meet up later and he'd tell him he couldnt get him one. (I guess this is why I'm gonna be this kid's best man? who knows).

Most bars sucked. Well, the first one wasn't bad. Kept getting the eye from this girl whenever her boyfriend wasn't looking. Another girl fell flat on her face right in front of me and I laughed and laughed.

Another bar, the bartender was some dirty whore. She refused to give me any of the specials because I didn't bring my cup with me. They give you a plastic cup that is the size of a child's fist and THAT is what they expect you to use for 2 dollar beers and mixed drinks. No other bars enforce this but this girl had to be a giant cunt about it and basically said to take my business elsewhere if I didn't like it. I harassed her til she said she'd give me a beer for 4 dollars... and it had to be bud light. I told her to go to holy hell and flipped her off.

The next bar we walked into was dead, minus some guys dressed as 90s wrestlers. I thought I was gonna fight Brett The Hitman Heart cause he didn't like me talking to who I guess was his woman. He kept saying "No, seriously. Have a good night" to get me to go away. I would say shit like "no, seriously. Night pink spandex" back to him. I eventually left that situation when the girl said "I shoulda been that girl from Always Sunny." I asked Her "Sweet Dee? Why? Cause you're trash?" She didn't like that all too much.

The last and final bar we went to was a mess. This hispanic couple as two clowns kept asking to take pictures with me. I also found the love of my life there. She was the most horrible person imaginable. Just my type. She also makes me want to walk into traffic now. Why? She kinda was on the fence about me being 5 years younger than her. What really did it in was when she said "so, how close to here do you live?" I said in Westchester. She asked how I could afford that. I said I just moved back into my mother's til I find a new place. BAM. Make fun of Ramy city was in full effect. She basically told her friend I live with my mother and dress as Cobra Commander, and her friend must've gave her the "That's a deal breaker" face cause not much of the conversation happened after that. She gave me my gum back (yea, she took the piece of gum I had in my mouth out and put it in her mouth to chew and then gave it back after she found out I live with mama... God, I think I'm gonna run out into the street right now). She said "don't look so sad, I'm gonna go home now... alone." I must've had the biggest pout face known to man at that point. (Wouldn't even take my number. Talk about heart break. This girl basically encouraged my deviant behavors of fucking with people that walked by us).

Anyway, the night turned into a bigger and bigger mess. At one point this girl outside was bearing witness to me just lashing out at people by fucking with them mentally and a little physically. She tried giving me pointers and setting me up with some girl outside having a cigarette. This was all fine and well til I basically just tore off the girl's wig and called her "baldly." I had to do it though. This girl trying to set me up made me feel like an idiot or incapable of getting women on my own (which may or may not be true regardless).

The remainder of the night was me stealing drinks left and right (I still don't know who the fuck orders a glass of tequila and cranberry juice. Yuck.... I still drank it anyway and was probably why I should not have been behind the wheel on my ride home).

One of Eddie or Janell's friends was just a giant bitch the entire night. I purposely would agitate her more and more to the point I took my gum out and threatened to put the gum in her hair. That's when she flipped out and said "why do I deserve that? Why would you do that to me?" I said "A) I wasn't going to really do it. B) You've been a giant cunt to me all night." I think that was the last interaction we had last night... and probably ever again.

I wandered off eventually and got to the car... only to find a sopping wet parking ticket for 65 dollars on my windshield. Gotta love it.

I also forgot it was daylight savings today, or last night. Way to lose an hour.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go tie a noose to hang myself from out of sheer depression. If not, I'll just sit here til work is over, then head over to jersey for this "Day of the Dead" thingamabob that Myke Hideous and this Paul guy are throwing that the Doomsday Prophecy are playing at.

The Hunt for Cobra Commander

Here's a picture of me trying on my costume for the first time a few weeks ago (I took the picture in my sister's old room cause the mirrors in mine are all smashed and cracked, don't judge me because of the pink walls and curtains or whatever those things are called):



Yes, it's of Cobra Commander.

Pros: it's mother fucking bad ASS. I get away with staring at tits like you wouldn't believe because the mask is a two way mirror.

Cons: no pockets (I have to hang my keys and a pouch with my license, credit cards and cash in it, on one of those key leshes). pissing is a pain in the ass cause since it's basically a giant onsie I have to take the whole upper part off of me just to whip the ol' boy out to piss. Since I clipped my cellphone onto the fake belt that kinda hangs from me loosely, I didn't really notice people were calling and/or texting most of the night and woke up to a PLETHORA of missed texts and calls, oh well, not like I woulda answered them anyway.

Anyway, I am too lazy to recap last night's events so here's an email I just sent Jared to let him know how last night went since he didn't ask.

Went out last night in my cobra commander getup for last night's bar crawl. What a train wreck. I think out of all the girls, maybe one girl knew who I was suposed to be.One girl asked me "you're supposed to be from that battlestar galactica show, right?" another asked if I was darth vader. Some dumb bouncer at one of the bars goes "Hey, It's captain amazing!" I was like "what in the fuck is that? no." But yea, the statistics of women talked to were brutal. I showed up to the first bar to register for the bar crawl. There were these 2 fat girls pouring out of their costumes eyeing me. I ignored them til people I knew actually showed up. My friend Dan just looked in the direction of this one girl and she gave him this look of disgust. There was this pair of girls at the first bar who we ran into at the second bar we went to. One was a mermade the other was supposed to be a trophy wife (but she was far from a trophy). She basically just had on some shiney silver and gold skirt/dress with a sash that said "trophy wife" and a tiara (that I kept trying to take off her head and put on some bald dude at the third bar we were at that they showed up to as well. My friend Dan was trying to hit on the Mermade one (even though I thought she looked like a dude with a wig on), I guess cause she had a nice body. My friend Romil kinda just stood there and talked to the trophy wife one while I get stuck talking to these 2 indian dudes I thought were Romil's friends for a second til I realized they were just two losers who gravitated towards him since he was Indian too.

By the second bar the chubby trophy wife one started talking to me and just looking like an even bigger idiot. Her shoe fell off her foot at one point and went under her chair. I kinda kicked it away and into the dance floor cause I thought it'd be funny.She started whining like an idiot that she couldn't believe I'd kick her shoe, bla bla bla. We left soon after cause my friend Dan was like saying how he couldn't talk to a girl who thought some ugly dude was hot. I wish I could remember who she said, but whatever.

After we left that bar, we went to the last bar on the list of bars doing the bar crawl cause it was the only one that had the specials til 2am. Also, with a name like "Duke's" it's guaranteed to be a dump filled with messes of human life. My friend Eddie and his fiance Janell met us up at this point as we were walking to the bar to witness the wreck that is my life. I dunno where to begin with this bar. First this rather large girl dressed as some kinda Indian woman wouldn't stop talking to me when I went out for a cigarette (yea, I udnno what was with the theme of Indians around me either, but whatever). Um, another girl who I saw earlier in the night who did a couples thing where she was popeye and her boyfriend was olive oyl started talking to me. I was wondering in the back of my head "where is her dumbass of a boyfriend in drag?" Minutes later this oaf comes storming across the bar from the bathroom and starts being overly agressive with me. I ignored him and went back to talking to his girlfriend in hopes I wouldn't get fists thrown at me in a few minutes. Around this time, Dan was hitting on two girls wearing the same stupid costume. Both were wearing black jeans, black and white stripped shirts and black berettes with black fingerless knit gloves. I don't even know what they were supposed to be, French? ANyway, we ended up getting a table together and Dan talked to the black girl while me and her friend kinda just sat at the other end of the table staring into our phones, butting in and out the conversation Dan and the black girl were having ever so often. The girl next to me got up and disappeard for a while and then the black girl soon followed. I started eating the one girl's french fries as Dan ate some of the chicken wings the other girl ordred and kept yelling at me "EAT THEIR FOOD, EAT IT, THEY'RE WHORES, THEY WONT NOTICE!" The black one came back... oh, she noticed. First thing out of her mouth was "who ate our food?" She looked DIRECTLY at me and goes "I know it was you." I was like "i didn't touch your chicken fingers cause I don't eat meat." She didn't believe me til Dan chimed in to go "yea, he doesn't eat me, he's some kinda fag or something. I think they call him a vegetarian."

After a while I went back to where Eddie and Janell were sitting at the other end of the bar cause I didn't wanna be there when the other girl noticed almost all her fries were missing. They pointed out a girl that I'd like (aka she was a drunk mess who could barely sit in her seat and was most asuredly easy). I went over to talk to her and I couldn't even get a word in before she goes "GI JOE! YOU'RE COBRA COMMANDER!" I was like "well, fuck. someone finally got it right." Things were actually going along well (she wasn't some disgusting slam hog or anything and she looked good... and she was the first girl to get it right with who I was supposed to be). Of course, in comes the catch. Her annoying dumpling looking Asian friend. For every word I had to say, this Asian friend had 10 more to add. I was like "oh, what are you supposed to be." The girl starts to tell me and her Asian friend butts in. I don't have a costume, I'm holding her wings for her!" I look at her and go "that's fantastic" and go back to talking to the other girl. The girl asked me where I was from and I said the southern part of Westchester county, right above Manhattan." She said she was from Ohio. As I was about to ask her what she's doing down here, her stupid friend interupted with "I'M FROM CALIFORNIA." I kinda don't give her any attention and just mutter "that's great" and start to try and talk to the other one before the Asian starts going off saying "I'm from the LA area, do you know LA?" I go "yea" she goes "oh, you do?" and starts telling me what town she's from and how it's east LA and this and that. At this point I am just staring at the girl I was trying to talk to this whole time with this look on my face like "why am I standing here?" I ended up just slowly backing away and going back to Eddie and Janell. The girl asked a little while before I left the bar if she bored me and that's what drove me away. I said "nah it isn't" and then followed that up by pointing to her very annoying Asian friend to insinuate she was the reason I walked away.

I ended up leaving with my Dan around 1 or so. Him passed out in the car and me listening to shitty music on the radio cause he kept complaining about my "angry death music" (it was an old cassette tape I made 10 years ago that had Misfits on one side and Gwar on the other, far from "angry" at least).