The 2009 Halloween Story

I left work an hour early so I could get down to the city to register for the night's barcrawl. I finally got a spot and ran to the place. I got there at 6:01 and the guy told me "registrations closed." I said "Really, you're really gonna push this registration ends at 6 on the dot bullshit? are you fucking kidding me?" He did the whole "i'm bigger and blacker than you approach to me. I told him to go fuck himself and walked away. My friend gave me one of his childhood friends' bracelet cause he was gonna meet up later and he'd tell him he couldnt get him one. (I guess this is why I'm gonna be this kid's best man? who knows).

Most bars sucked. Well, the first one wasn't bad. Kept getting the eye from this girl whenever her boyfriend wasn't looking. Another girl fell flat on her face right in front of me and I laughed and laughed.

Another bar, the bartender was some dirty whore. She refused to give me any of the specials because I didn't bring my cup with me. They give you a plastic cup that is the size of a child's fist and THAT is what they expect you to use for 2 dollar beers and mixed drinks. No other bars enforce this but this girl had to be a giant cunt about it and basically said to take my business elsewhere if I didn't like it. I harassed her til she said she'd give me a beer for 4 dollars... and it had to be bud light. I told her to go to holy hell and flipped her off.

The next bar we walked into was dead, minus some guys dressed as 90s wrestlers. I thought I was gonna fight Brett The Hitman Heart cause he didn't like me talking to who I guess was his woman. He kept saying "No, seriously. Have a good night" to get me to go away. I would say shit like "no, seriously. Night pink spandex" back to him. I eventually left that situation when the girl said "I shoulda been that girl from Always Sunny." I asked Her "Sweet Dee? Why? Cause you're trash?" She didn't like that all too much.

The last and final bar we went to was a mess. This hispanic couple as two clowns kept asking to take pictures with me. I also found the love of my life there. She was the most horrible person imaginable. Just my type. She also makes me want to walk into traffic now. Why? She kinda was on the fence about me being 5 years younger than her. What really did it in was when she said "so, how close to here do you live?" I said in Westchester. She asked how I could afford that. I said I just moved back into my mother's til I find a new place. BAM. Make fun of Ramy city was in full effect. She basically told her friend I live with my mother and dress as Cobra Commander, and her friend must've gave her the "That's a deal breaker" face cause not much of the conversation happened after that. She gave me my gum back (yea, she took the piece of gum I had in my mouth out and put it in her mouth to chew and then gave it back after she found out I live with mama... God, I think I'm gonna run out into the street right now). She said "don't look so sad, I'm gonna go home now... alone." I must've had the biggest pout face known to man at that point. (Wouldn't even take my number. Talk about heart break. This girl basically encouraged my deviant behavors of fucking with people that walked by us).

Anyway, the night turned into a bigger and bigger mess. At one point this girl outside was bearing witness to me just lashing out at people by fucking with them mentally and a little physically. She tried giving me pointers and setting me up with some girl outside having a cigarette. This was all fine and well til I basically just tore off the girl's wig and called her "baldly." I had to do it though. This girl trying to set me up made me feel like an idiot or incapable of getting women on my own (which may or may not be true regardless).

The remainder of the night was me stealing drinks left and right (I still don't know who the fuck orders a glass of tequila and cranberry juice. Yuck.... I still drank it anyway and was probably why I should not have been behind the wheel on my ride home).

One of Eddie or Janell's friends was just a giant bitch the entire night. I purposely would agitate her more and more to the point I took my gum out and threatened to put the gum in her hair. That's when she flipped out and said "why do I deserve that? Why would you do that to me?" I said "A) I wasn't going to really do it. B) You've been a giant cunt to me all night." I think that was the last interaction we had last night... and probably ever again.

I wandered off eventually and got to the car... only to find a sopping wet parking ticket for 65 dollars on my windshield. Gotta love it.

I also forgot it was daylight savings today, or last night. Way to lose an hour.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go tie a noose to hang myself from out of sheer depression. If not, I'll just sit here til work is over, then head over to jersey for this "Day of the Dead" thingamabob that Myke Hideous and this Paul guy are throwing that the Doomsday Prophecy are playing at.