The New and Improved RAMY BLOG!!!

***Now with more videos AND stupidity***

First and foremost, I'd like to introduce you all to me and TJ's new lord and savior that he discovered on the bathroom wall of Trash Bar out in Brooklyn.



Yes, it is HE! CHUCK JACKSON! ALL PRAISE TO CHUCK JACKSON! (dude, it's fucking half of Michael Jackson's face and half of Chuck Norris' face... you couldn't figure it out? What's wrong with you?)

Anyway, last night I decided what better time than to start bringing out my newly purchased Flip video camera (yea, cause I thought it'd be entertaining to record some of our stupidity) and what better way than to start the night with TJ using it to harass one of his sisters:



Ok, so that was pretty stupid and should've been deleted immediately, but I dunno. He and I found it funny and kept looping it as we were gearing up to go out last night.

So yea, we get down to Brooklyn, find a parking spot, park and walk a few blocks in the freezing cold, complaining the entire walk like little girls... ok, so maybe the little girls part was mainly me... shut up.

We get to the bar and there was some bad band on. I'm fairly sure a line in one of their songs was "I myspace deleted you." I'm not lying. Ok, well, it's known for me to see and hear what I want to see and hear and not what's actually being said or displayed. But yea, seriously? I should start writing songs called shit like "fair weather facebook friend" but I wont... cause I'd get harassed by one of my many friends who constantly badger me to make a facebook account. People, I have more than enough internet accounts to be vain about myself on that I don't need another one (that and I fucking hate facebook and that weasel that made that website).

ANYWAY, so yea, TJ orders a round of PBRs and shots of Jack. That was a hell of a lot of a shot cause it was served to us in this dixie cup sized plastic cup and felt like 2 shots in one. All for a measly 5 bucks people. A fucking STEAL! But enough digressions (which I am like the fucking KING of). TJ and I go outside to smoke a cigarette as we wait for Jared and Desiree to show up. Our first encounter with absurdness came in the shape of a um... shapely black woman yelling at some kid with a cheesy hipster mustache, saying shit like "YOU BE 12 YEARS OLD! FUCK YOU!" then comes over to TJ and I and begins with her attempted advances on us. It was BAD. The two of us were playing overly dumb as to try and avoid acknowledging her disgusting sexual shit she was saying to us. I don't even know where to begin with what the convo went like, and I'm not calling TJ just to ask him... yet. It went something like her coming on to us straight up. OH! Somehow she was saying something about how a girl will like me for me and not for my hair (cause I was yelling at her to stop touching me and mussing my hair up. TJ goes "you hear that Ramy, girls are pretending they're disgusted when you pick your nose and flick it." I was like "you mean I can keep harvesting my collection of them under my desk at work?" Then she said something lewd to the extent of desks being used to measure penis size. It went something like "only thing i'm interested about under a desk is how much is measures down there..." I go "my booger collection? It was pretty big until the cleaning lady discovered it. Bitch ruined everything!" Then she starts asking me what I am. I told her Italian and she said it figures (whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean). Then she says to TJ "and you probably are too... hrmph!" TJ Goes "no, I'm Greek" and she just goes right up in his face and starts tugging on the chest area of his shirt and goes "OH! MY MR STAVARAPOLIS!"Tj goes "no, more like Mr John Stamos... or how about Mr George Michael." I started laughing my ASS off and the bitches go "that's gay as shit!" So me and Tj started acting like a gay couple to try and scare her off, me saying shit like "it was horrible how they arrested that poor George Michael. They arrested him playing the 'I'll show you mine if you show you yours' game, terrible." I eventually realized this was gonna keep going on unless something was up and she was not taking no for an answer... so I just pointed in one direction and walked in the opposite direction of where I pointed, which was inside, mumbling something about helping Jared set his guitar up and jetting into the bar.

The night went on as such. About a shot of jack, PBR and 4 vodka sodas in, I am told that the original bassist of Activator that's been keeping in touch with Jared to try and get back into the band is roommates with John Stainer. Of course I had to make some bullshit convo and get him into it before the night was over... and I did. Muttering something about Symptoms of the Universe by Black Sabbath (when he was in Helmet, they were in the Jerky Boys movie. Ozzy was their manager in the Scene and Helmet played a cover of that Sabbath song as one of the funniest scenes in that movie was going down.)

Um, OH LORD. Last night was the EPITOME of short tempers on display last night. One dude wanted to fight me cause I had to kinda lean up and over his girlfriend to get my drink from the bartender cause this couple REFUSED to move when I said excuse me. When I said thank you to the bartender for giving me a new drink the guy in the couple went "NO! EXCUSE ME IS MORE LIKE IT!" I was like "um.... excuse me? What?" He goes off at me for being rude and climbing over his girlfriend to get a drink. I explained to him calmly what the situation was and politely told him that he was in the wrong. Bad thing to do. He got angrier at me. I was like "fine! I'll say it again to appease you, EXCUSE ME! I wont order from this bar anymore cause apparently it belongs to you and ma'lady." and I did a fucking curtsy bow to them and walked away.

and the best one was this dude had these GIANT glasses on the entire night at the bar. At first, walking in, I pointed him out to TJ and said "dude, who's Kanye over there?" followed by me laughing my ass off. Later in the night I go up to him and go "dude, you gotta tell me, where did you get those glasses?" he tells me some place I knew I wasn't gonna remember and then he goes "why do you ask?" I go, "i'm sorry, but you look like fucking Prince with those things on." HE was FUMING with anger that I said that. He told me to leave as him and his friends started getting in my face and I just kept laughing right in their faces as they threatened me. Later on in the night one of his friends was outside smoking and I was talking about how this guy was pissed that I complimented his glasses. The dude butted in and was like "you called my friend a faggot, that's why he was pissed." I was like "NO! I said those shits were bad ass." He goes "mother fucker, you don't tell someone they look like Prince." I was like "well, he looked like a scene outta Purple Rain if you ask me. You know, back in the day, Prince was the shit." He goes "yea, you old. Kanye is the new hotness. Why couldn't you say he looks like Kanye?" I go "dude, Kanye is a faggot." He replied with "Mother fucker, Prince has ruffles in his shirt. That fucker is the faggot." I was like "man, just admit it, Prince is the shit." He retorted with "...TO YOU!" he's like this ain't the 80s, your generation is over," and stormed of.

But wait, there's more of these situations... the last band was the equivalent to if the guys from the late night special had a musical group. It was basically them air humping all slow and sexual as they spit the WORST rhymes I've ever heard. Me, TJ and Jared had to walk through a crowd that would not get out of our way after repeatedly asking people to please move, to get to the stage, grab Jared's gear, and then plow our way through a crowd watching this BET After Hours music video (have you ever watched that shit when you were younger? God, I have the worst taste in television viewing. Fucking all I used to watch was that and Telemundo... I'm fucking serious). Anyway, we finally left, along with the cold stares of a million eyes being darted at me as I left the bar, and me laughing to myself.

At one point towards the end of our bout at the bar, this girl, maybe it was Desiree? I don't remember, said that she loves Jersey Shore and the Situation. I go up and say "You like the Situation? How about this!" I lifed my shirt up, let my beer gut hang out in alls it's glory, and say "This is the aggravation!" i then kept my shirt up, walking up to random girls at the bar and kept rubbing it as I seductively stared at them like a creep (well, I ALWAYS look like a creep, so whatever)

We finally got back to Jared's, loaded his equipment into his apartment, woke up Desiree, who fell asleep in TJ's car on the ride there, and we went to 7A to eat. Now, most of you don't know, but me, Jared and usually TJ would go to 7A after a night of terrorizing the Lower East Side when we were younger. Ok, so maybe it was only 5 or 6 years ago, but it feels like it was an eternity away. We wouldn't just go in there, we'd be pass out drunk when we got in there. Most of the times it would end with me face first in my plate of food, muttering drunken gibberish. I'd be asked to leave, whatever. BUT, this time, something happened. According to an eye witness account (it was TJ), this girl walked in.... wait, first of all, we walked in and there was a gay dude with a black streak of makeup across the eye area of his face and his black tranny boy/girlfriend that eyed us as we walked in and growled at me and TJ. Gross... ANYWAY, back to the main story. We are sitting, food is ordered and we're waiting. a girl walks in and walks by this group of Indian guys hanging out at the bar in the diner (why you'd hang out at the bar of a diner, I do not know... oh wait, it as after hours, that's why... but yea, one of the guys wouldn't let the girl pass ,and tried hitting on her... here's a compilation video of what I managed to capture:



So, besides the above mentioned of her going off at the group of Indian dudes at the bar, she goes at it with another girl, who looked like Latoya Jackson circa 1981, which TJ went up to and was like "what did you do?" She goes "You sound just like my husband... always blaming me for things." Then, she started flipping her hair around and goes "I was just sitting here, being beautiful, and this girl starts shit with me for no reason." Tj looked at her, and sarcastically goes "ok, you keep sitting there and be beautiful."

After this all went down, Desiree goes up to the night manager and starts saying that was fucking rude and this and that. The guy starts cursing her out and is like "I don't have to serve you, you know?" and basically kicked us out and told us not to come back. Please, I've heard that so many times... according to Boarders Books, I have 3 life bans on that store... too bad they're all but shut down now. The reasons we'd get banned were always hilarious. Highlights included luke grabbing an Mxpx cd from the cd section, spitting on it, and then kicking it across the store. Ripping out articles from magazines, jeff trying to return old coloring books his sister drew in years prior and then telling the guy we were gonna have a book burning session if he didn't take the books back (the dude was a total book loving nerd)... and i am SERIOUSLY digressing here.

But yea, TJ and I drove home, blasting the late birthday present I gave him of Screeching Weasel's How to Make Enemies and Irritate People (fitting title for what I did all night last night, if ya ask me) and Pump Up the Valuum by Nofx. Ate some kinda zucchini/potato/tomato/cheese cornucopia of food one of TJ's sisters made for dinner before we left.

So yea, like I predicted, my flip is STILL not done recharging for tonight's chicanery which will include, but not be limited to, me dancing around TJ's basement like an asshole to Lady Gaga as we throw a house party (apparently). Whose invited? Obviously not you. Oh, and I am gonna go to Toys R Us with Dennis in a bit to buy stupid shit. I WILL find that damn orange fuzzy Yo Gabba Gabba hat and glasses combo:



and dance around like this:



Screaming, "MY NAME is RAMY! I LIKE TO DANCE!!!!"

... if this is not done, than I'll look for the Darth Vader voice changing helmet and be yelling this a lot.

The Hunt for Cobra Commander

Here's a picture of me trying on my costume for the first time a few weeks ago (I took the picture in my sister's old room cause the mirrors in mine are all smashed and cracked, don't judge me because of the pink walls and curtains or whatever those things are called):



Yes, it's of Cobra Commander.

Pros: it's mother fucking bad ASS. I get away with staring at tits like you wouldn't believe because the mask is a two way mirror.

Cons: no pockets (I have to hang my keys and a pouch with my license, credit cards and cash in it, on one of those key leshes). pissing is a pain in the ass cause since it's basically a giant onsie I have to take the whole upper part off of me just to whip the ol' boy out to piss. Since I clipped my cellphone onto the fake belt that kinda hangs from me loosely, I didn't really notice people were calling and/or texting most of the night and woke up to a PLETHORA of missed texts and calls, oh well, not like I woulda answered them anyway.

Anyway, I am too lazy to recap last night's events so here's an email I just sent Jared to let him know how last night went since he didn't ask.

Went out last night in my cobra commander getup for last night's bar crawl. What a train wreck. I think out of all the girls, maybe one girl knew who I was suposed to be.One girl asked me "you're supposed to be from that battlestar galactica show, right?" another asked if I was darth vader. Some dumb bouncer at one of the bars goes "Hey, It's captain amazing!" I was like "what in the fuck is that? no." But yea, the statistics of women talked to were brutal. I showed up to the first bar to register for the bar crawl. There were these 2 fat girls pouring out of their costumes eyeing me. I ignored them til people I knew actually showed up. My friend Dan just looked in the direction of this one girl and she gave him this look of disgust. There was this pair of girls at the first bar who we ran into at the second bar we went to. One was a mermade the other was supposed to be a trophy wife (but she was far from a trophy). She basically just had on some shiney silver and gold skirt/dress with a sash that said "trophy wife" and a tiara (that I kept trying to take off her head and put on some bald dude at the third bar we were at that they showed up to as well. My friend Dan was trying to hit on the Mermade one (even though I thought she looked like a dude with a wig on), I guess cause she had a nice body. My friend Romil kinda just stood there and talked to the trophy wife one while I get stuck talking to these 2 indian dudes I thought were Romil's friends for a second til I realized they were just two losers who gravitated towards him since he was Indian too.

By the second bar the chubby trophy wife one started talking to me and just looking like an even bigger idiot. Her shoe fell off her foot at one point and went under her chair. I kinda kicked it away and into the dance floor cause I thought it'd be funny.She started whining like an idiot that she couldn't believe I'd kick her shoe, bla bla bla. We left soon after cause my friend Dan was like saying how he couldn't talk to a girl who thought some ugly dude was hot. I wish I could remember who she said, but whatever.

After we left that bar, we went to the last bar on the list of bars doing the bar crawl cause it was the only one that had the specials til 2am. Also, with a name like "Duke's" it's guaranteed to be a dump filled with messes of human life. My friend Eddie and his fiance Janell met us up at this point as we were walking to the bar to witness the wreck that is my life. I dunno where to begin with this bar. First this rather large girl dressed as some kinda Indian woman wouldn't stop talking to me when I went out for a cigarette (yea, I udnno what was with the theme of Indians around me either, but whatever). Um, another girl who I saw earlier in the night who did a couples thing where she was popeye and her boyfriend was olive oyl started talking to me. I was wondering in the back of my head "where is her dumbass of a boyfriend in drag?" Minutes later this oaf comes storming across the bar from the bathroom and starts being overly agressive with me. I ignored him and went back to talking to his girlfriend in hopes I wouldn't get fists thrown at me in a few minutes. Around this time, Dan was hitting on two girls wearing the same stupid costume. Both were wearing black jeans, black and white stripped shirts and black berettes with black fingerless knit gloves. I don't even know what they were supposed to be, French? ANyway, we ended up getting a table together and Dan talked to the black girl while me and her friend kinda just sat at the other end of the table staring into our phones, butting in and out the conversation Dan and the black girl were having ever so often. The girl next to me got up and disappeard for a while and then the black girl soon followed. I started eating the one girl's french fries as Dan ate some of the chicken wings the other girl ordred and kept yelling at me "EAT THEIR FOOD, EAT IT, THEY'RE WHORES, THEY WONT NOTICE!" The black one came back... oh, she noticed. First thing out of her mouth was "who ate our food?" She looked DIRECTLY at me and goes "I know it was you." I was like "i didn't touch your chicken fingers cause I don't eat meat." She didn't believe me til Dan chimed in to go "yea, he doesn't eat me, he's some kinda fag or something. I think they call him a vegetarian."

After a while I went back to where Eddie and Janell were sitting at the other end of the bar cause I didn't wanna be there when the other girl noticed almost all her fries were missing. They pointed out a girl that I'd like (aka she was a drunk mess who could barely sit in her seat and was most asuredly easy). I went over to talk to her and I couldn't even get a word in before she goes "GI JOE! YOU'RE COBRA COMMANDER!" I was like "well, fuck. someone finally got it right." Things were actually going along well (she wasn't some disgusting slam hog or anything and she looked good... and she was the first girl to get it right with who I was supposed to be). Of course, in comes the catch. Her annoying dumpling looking Asian friend. For every word I had to say, this Asian friend had 10 more to add. I was like "oh, what are you supposed to be." The girl starts to tell me and her Asian friend butts in. I don't have a costume, I'm holding her wings for her!" I look at her and go "that's fantastic" and go back to talking to the other girl. The girl asked me where I was from and I said the southern part of Westchester county, right above Manhattan." She said she was from Ohio. As I was about to ask her what she's doing down here, her stupid friend interupted with "I'M FROM CALIFORNIA." I kinda don't give her any attention and just mutter "that's great" and start to try and talk to the other one before the Asian starts going off saying "I'm from the LA area, do you know LA?" I go "yea" she goes "oh, you do?" and starts telling me what town she's from and how it's east LA and this and that. At this point I am just staring at the girl I was trying to talk to this whole time with this look on my face like "why am I standing here?" I ended up just slowly backing away and going back to Eddie and Janell. The girl asked a little while before I left the bar if she bored me and that's what drove me away. I said "nah it isn't" and then followed that up by pointing to her very annoying Asian friend to insinuate she was the reason I walked away.

I ended up leaving with my Dan around 1 or so. Him passed out in the car and me listening to shitty music on the radio cause he kept complaining about my "angry death music" (it was an old cassette tape I made 10 years ago that had Misfits on one side and Gwar on the other, far from "angry" at least).