The New and Improved RAMY BLOG!!!

***Now with more videos AND stupidity***

First and foremost, I'd like to introduce you all to me and TJ's new lord and savior that he discovered on the bathroom wall of Trash Bar out in Brooklyn.



Yes, it is HE! CHUCK JACKSON! ALL PRAISE TO CHUCK JACKSON! (dude, it's fucking half of Michael Jackson's face and half of Chuck Norris' face... you couldn't figure it out? What's wrong with you?)

Anyway, last night I decided what better time than to start bringing out my newly purchased Flip video camera (yea, cause I thought it'd be entertaining to record some of our stupidity) and what better way than to start the night with TJ using it to harass one of his sisters:



Ok, so that was pretty stupid and should've been deleted immediately, but I dunno. He and I found it funny and kept looping it as we were gearing up to go out last night.

So yea, we get down to Brooklyn, find a parking spot, park and walk a few blocks in the freezing cold, complaining the entire walk like little girls... ok, so maybe the little girls part was mainly me... shut up.

We get to the bar and there was some bad band on. I'm fairly sure a line in one of their songs was "I myspace deleted you." I'm not lying. Ok, well, it's known for me to see and hear what I want to see and hear and not what's actually being said or displayed. But yea, seriously? I should start writing songs called shit like "fair weather facebook friend" but I wont... cause I'd get harassed by one of my many friends who constantly badger me to make a facebook account. People, I have more than enough internet accounts to be vain about myself on that I don't need another one (that and I fucking hate facebook and that weasel that made that website).

ANYWAY, so yea, TJ orders a round of PBRs and shots of Jack. That was a hell of a lot of a shot cause it was served to us in this dixie cup sized plastic cup and felt like 2 shots in one. All for a measly 5 bucks people. A fucking STEAL! But enough digressions (which I am like the fucking KING of). TJ and I go outside to smoke a cigarette as we wait for Jared and Desiree to show up. Our first encounter with absurdness came in the shape of a um... shapely black woman yelling at some kid with a cheesy hipster mustache, saying shit like "YOU BE 12 YEARS OLD! FUCK YOU!" then comes over to TJ and I and begins with her attempted advances on us. It was BAD. The two of us were playing overly dumb as to try and avoid acknowledging her disgusting sexual shit she was saying to us. I don't even know where to begin with what the convo went like, and I'm not calling TJ just to ask him... yet. It went something like her coming on to us straight up. OH! Somehow she was saying something about how a girl will like me for me and not for my hair (cause I was yelling at her to stop touching me and mussing my hair up. TJ goes "you hear that Ramy, girls are pretending they're disgusted when you pick your nose and flick it." I was like "you mean I can keep harvesting my collection of them under my desk at work?" Then she said something lewd to the extent of desks being used to measure penis size. It went something like "only thing i'm interested about under a desk is how much is measures down there..." I go "my booger collection? It was pretty big until the cleaning lady discovered it. Bitch ruined everything!" Then she starts asking me what I am. I told her Italian and she said it figures (whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean). Then she says to TJ "and you probably are too... hrmph!" TJ Goes "no, I'm Greek" and she just goes right up in his face and starts tugging on the chest area of his shirt and goes "OH! MY MR STAVARAPOLIS!"Tj goes "no, more like Mr John Stamos... or how about Mr George Michael." I started laughing my ASS off and the bitches go "that's gay as shit!" So me and Tj started acting like a gay couple to try and scare her off, me saying shit like "it was horrible how they arrested that poor George Michael. They arrested him playing the 'I'll show you mine if you show you yours' game, terrible." I eventually realized this was gonna keep going on unless something was up and she was not taking no for an answer... so I just pointed in one direction and walked in the opposite direction of where I pointed, which was inside, mumbling something about helping Jared set his guitar up and jetting into the bar.

The night went on as such. About a shot of jack, PBR and 4 vodka sodas in, I am told that the original bassist of Activator that's been keeping in touch with Jared to try and get back into the band is roommates with John Stainer. Of course I had to make some bullshit convo and get him into it before the night was over... and I did. Muttering something about Symptoms of the Universe by Black Sabbath (when he was in Helmet, they were in the Jerky Boys movie. Ozzy was their manager in the Scene and Helmet played a cover of that Sabbath song as one of the funniest scenes in that movie was going down.)

Um, OH LORD. Last night was the EPITOME of short tempers on display last night. One dude wanted to fight me cause I had to kinda lean up and over his girlfriend to get my drink from the bartender cause this couple REFUSED to move when I said excuse me. When I said thank you to the bartender for giving me a new drink the guy in the couple went "NO! EXCUSE ME IS MORE LIKE IT!" I was like "um.... excuse me? What?" He goes off at me for being rude and climbing over his girlfriend to get a drink. I explained to him calmly what the situation was and politely told him that he was in the wrong. Bad thing to do. He got angrier at me. I was like "fine! I'll say it again to appease you, EXCUSE ME! I wont order from this bar anymore cause apparently it belongs to you and ma'lady." and I did a fucking curtsy bow to them and walked away.

and the best one was this dude had these GIANT glasses on the entire night at the bar. At first, walking in, I pointed him out to TJ and said "dude, who's Kanye over there?" followed by me laughing my ass off. Later in the night I go up to him and go "dude, you gotta tell me, where did you get those glasses?" he tells me some place I knew I wasn't gonna remember and then he goes "why do you ask?" I go, "i'm sorry, but you look like fucking Prince with those things on." HE was FUMING with anger that I said that. He told me to leave as him and his friends started getting in my face and I just kept laughing right in their faces as they threatened me. Later on in the night one of his friends was outside smoking and I was talking about how this guy was pissed that I complimented his glasses. The dude butted in and was like "you called my friend a faggot, that's why he was pissed." I was like "NO! I said those shits were bad ass." He goes "mother fucker, you don't tell someone they look like Prince." I was like "well, he looked like a scene outta Purple Rain if you ask me. You know, back in the day, Prince was the shit." He goes "yea, you old. Kanye is the new hotness. Why couldn't you say he looks like Kanye?" I go "dude, Kanye is a faggot." He replied with "Mother fucker, Prince has ruffles in his shirt. That fucker is the faggot." I was like "man, just admit it, Prince is the shit." He retorted with "...TO YOU!" he's like this ain't the 80s, your generation is over," and stormed of.

But wait, there's more of these situations... the last band was the equivalent to if the guys from the late night special had a musical group. It was basically them air humping all slow and sexual as they spit the WORST rhymes I've ever heard. Me, TJ and Jared had to walk through a crowd that would not get out of our way after repeatedly asking people to please move, to get to the stage, grab Jared's gear, and then plow our way through a crowd watching this BET After Hours music video (have you ever watched that shit when you were younger? God, I have the worst taste in television viewing. Fucking all I used to watch was that and Telemundo... I'm fucking serious). Anyway, we finally left, along with the cold stares of a million eyes being darted at me as I left the bar, and me laughing to myself.

At one point towards the end of our bout at the bar, this girl, maybe it was Desiree? I don't remember, said that she loves Jersey Shore and the Situation. I go up and say "You like the Situation? How about this!" I lifed my shirt up, let my beer gut hang out in alls it's glory, and say "This is the aggravation!" i then kept my shirt up, walking up to random girls at the bar and kept rubbing it as I seductively stared at them like a creep (well, I ALWAYS look like a creep, so whatever)

We finally got back to Jared's, loaded his equipment into his apartment, woke up Desiree, who fell asleep in TJ's car on the ride there, and we went to 7A to eat. Now, most of you don't know, but me, Jared and usually TJ would go to 7A after a night of terrorizing the Lower East Side when we were younger. Ok, so maybe it was only 5 or 6 years ago, but it feels like it was an eternity away. We wouldn't just go in there, we'd be pass out drunk when we got in there. Most of the times it would end with me face first in my plate of food, muttering drunken gibberish. I'd be asked to leave, whatever. BUT, this time, something happened. According to an eye witness account (it was TJ), this girl walked in.... wait, first of all, we walked in and there was a gay dude with a black streak of makeup across the eye area of his face and his black tranny boy/girlfriend that eyed us as we walked in and growled at me and TJ. Gross... ANYWAY, back to the main story. We are sitting, food is ordered and we're waiting. a girl walks in and walks by this group of Indian guys hanging out at the bar in the diner (why you'd hang out at the bar of a diner, I do not know... oh wait, it as after hours, that's why... but yea, one of the guys wouldn't let the girl pass ,and tried hitting on her... here's a compilation video of what I managed to capture:



So, besides the above mentioned of her going off at the group of Indian dudes at the bar, she goes at it with another girl, who looked like Latoya Jackson circa 1981, which TJ went up to and was like "what did you do?" She goes "You sound just like my husband... always blaming me for things." Then, she started flipping her hair around and goes "I was just sitting here, being beautiful, and this girl starts shit with me for no reason." Tj looked at her, and sarcastically goes "ok, you keep sitting there and be beautiful."

After this all went down, Desiree goes up to the night manager and starts saying that was fucking rude and this and that. The guy starts cursing her out and is like "I don't have to serve you, you know?" and basically kicked us out and told us not to come back. Please, I've heard that so many times... according to Boarders Books, I have 3 life bans on that store... too bad they're all but shut down now. The reasons we'd get banned were always hilarious. Highlights included luke grabbing an Mxpx cd from the cd section, spitting on it, and then kicking it across the store. Ripping out articles from magazines, jeff trying to return old coloring books his sister drew in years prior and then telling the guy we were gonna have a book burning session if he didn't take the books back (the dude was a total book loving nerd)... and i am SERIOUSLY digressing here.

But yea, TJ and I drove home, blasting the late birthday present I gave him of Screeching Weasel's How to Make Enemies and Irritate People (fitting title for what I did all night last night, if ya ask me) and Pump Up the Valuum by Nofx. Ate some kinda zucchini/potato/tomato/cheese cornucopia of food one of TJ's sisters made for dinner before we left.

So yea, like I predicted, my flip is STILL not done recharging for tonight's chicanery which will include, but not be limited to, me dancing around TJ's basement like an asshole to Lady Gaga as we throw a house party (apparently). Whose invited? Obviously not you. Oh, and I am gonna go to Toys R Us with Dennis in a bit to buy stupid shit. I WILL find that damn orange fuzzy Yo Gabba Gabba hat and glasses combo:



and dance around like this:



Screaming, "MY NAME is RAMY! I LIKE TO DANCE!!!!"

... if this is not done, than I'll look for the Darth Vader voice changing helmet and be yelling this a lot.

My Adventures With Kyle in Brooklyn and the Lower East Side/Village

Last night started with me heading down to Brooklyn to hang out with Kyle who is apparently on an extended stay down here for reasons unknown (well, kinda unknown).

The night started out with us getting on the L train in the wrong direction and maybe 5 stops in realizing this. Then the F train wasn't running and we took the E train and walked a few blocks to this place called the Cake Shop. I never been there, but apparently it's got baked goods and records for sale in the front at the bar, there's a back room, and a downstairs with a bar and a stage for bands. Kyle wanted to catch the Mannequin Men cause he heard good things. Apparently he heard wrong, we paid too much for drinks while realizing this and left to head down to Lucy's for some cheap swill and to meet up Jared for a little bit as we set forth a plan for the remainder of the night. This included pbr, gin and shots of jameson.

Standing around outside of Max Fish, some bum approached us offering a magic trick for a dollar. I told him we're broke. Kyle just ignored him. Finally he comes up to us and is like "how about a trick on the house?" I was like "sure." Did the usual "pick a card, any card." of course i noticed he was setting it up so I'd definitely pick the card he wanted me to pick. A trick easy to fool someone piss drunk (or some girl on wine spritzers), but whatever. Iroincally, it was the Joker card. I was tempted to pocket it and run off but wanted to see his stupid trick pan out. that guy was so sloppy, i could catch so many of his not so slight of hand moves. Whatever. He showed me that I picked the Joker card and I walked away. I remeber he tried getting Kyle to pick a card too while Kyle was texting someone but Kyle yelled something at the bum like "I'M WORKING!" I dunno, that made me laugh.

But anyway, Lucy's was the all-star cast of employees. How Lucy isn't dead yet, I don't know. Her daughter and grand-daughter were working there, and so was Marco aka the Denim Reaper. the GILF (granddaughter I'd like to fuck) was being a snobby bitch as usual, but still doesn't mean I wouldn't bang her retarded first chance I will probably never get. Nothing was really going on in Lucy's, Lucy wouldn't turn the volume up on the jukebox for us and there was maybe 1 decent looking girl besides GILF in there. We ended up heading back to Brooklyn to hang out at some bars near where he's staying. First bar was kinda bunk. Highlights included a picture of Morrissy on the mirror behind the bar and the bar tender looking like that dude from Dead or Alive when he had all that wacky long hair. We left there before we even got a drink.

We then went to this other bar, after getting lost for 2 seconds, that my sister showed him on friday when her and her friends showed Kyle around Brooklyn. It wasn't too bad. All I can say for it was good scene, bad services. It took forever to take our orders, but we'd make em like a shot and a beer (or in my case a shot and a gin). To quote Kyle who called me just now "too much Jameson." I saw this girl and was a little flirty with her when ordered a round. She had strawberry blonde hair and a body that looked like it could take a dicking and a half. This went all down hill when I motioned to the loser she was talking to and she brushed me off and ignored me whenever I'd look over at her. Not like I was really putting much effort into it. Just wanted to stroke my ego, I suppose. Highlights at that bar included a girl wearing a chopped up November Coming Fire Samhain t-shirt. She'd be alright if her face didn't look like whatever it did. Then another cute girl dropped her iphone right in front of us and that's the first tiem I can say me, Kyle or this black guy who was asking me something can now say was the first time we've seen an iphone's screen shatter (apparently those phones are durable as hell from what I'm told). But yea, then it took a turn for the strange. Not only did we finally start getting blithering idiot drunk, but in walks a dude looking like, well... the only way I can explain it is "gay irish pirate." He was shirtless wearing this green sparkly sequen shaul over his shoulders, a pirate hat, and white biker shorts. another buddy of his was dressed exactly like how Hunter S Tompson would have dressed (I guess imagine Johnny Depp as him in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, only not Johnny Depp but some schnook from Brooklyn). Also with these 2 kooks was some dude dressed as a cave man. a text about this resulted in me now having a convo between scott and I on TextsFromLastNight.com: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/45884

but yea, I don't recall much of us going home. All I remember is Kyle walked out the door with a beer and the bouncer was like "go inside and drink that." He finished and we left, staggering down the streets along the highway, back to his place. I now vaguely remember Kyle being so drunk he couldn't get the key anywhere near the keyholes to each door. I took the key from him and did it saying something about being a functional drunk. It turned into a team up where he'd show me what the key looked like on his janitors array of keys and I'd go through each key that looked like said key to try and open a door. The last one to his apartment was a doosie and I remember him being on the floor, face to the door trying to get the key in til we got back.

All else I remember is him pissing, I think he fell in the bathroom, and then going to his room and passing out fully dressed and with the light on. I pissed and passed out on the couch for 2 or so hours before waking up, realize i had to drive to my mom's, get a change of clothes so I could go to work. What ended up happening was I got to my mom's sometime around 8, fell asleep and woke up when I was supposed to have opened the office, got dressed, gave my mom her mother's day present and showed up to work 20 minutes late.

All and all, not bad. Not crazy, but whatever.

Oh, and a funny thing I wanted to post on twitter but couldn't figure out how to send a picture text to my account was that while we were getting off the E train (that sounds like such a drug reference), we saw this pillar in the subway that had scribbled onto it "FOR A GOOD BLOWJOB CALL EMILY AT" and then had some phone number scribbled under it. Very tempted to call, but I'm sure that number must've been changed by now, and if not, I'd be the one call that gets traced to be charged with sexual harassment.