"Summarize"

Since Thursday afternoon, up until maybe yesterday, my life was a whirlwind of stupidity and indulgences.

Lets see. Highlights of Thursday include meeting up Kyle, heading to the east village with him and my sister, wandering for a bit til I decided to take the 2 of them to Blue and Gold. We hung out there for a bit and sucked it up with dealing with the bitter, stuck up, a-hole bartender (which is basically anyone that place employs if you ask me). My sister eventually left around the same time Kyle's friend met us up for drinks. Around this time, we also decided to trek across the LES. Noting much went down. We went to one bar with a cute bartender (which is around the same time I started getting these chalices of gin and soda), and um... what else? Oh, I not only convinced these 3 homeless guys that I didn't have any money, but that I too was homeless. Bad idea, since after the convincing was done, I was bombarded with helpful hints on how to stay warm in the cold months and where to look for free to substantially low priced residency. Then they asked me why I was hanging out with two kids who obviously had money to buy pizza and not get me pizza. This is around the time I kinda just scampered off after saying something that was just me verbally trailing off, followed by me trailing off physically.

The night was pretty mundane for the most part after that, except for when we me and Kyle were going back to my sister's. For some reason we got on the wrong side of the tracks. We were on the west bound side when we needed to be on the east bound, headed to Brooklyn. What did we do? Well, first I calmed Kyle down and told him we could just walk up the stairs and go around to the other side... of course I lead us to the wrong set of stairs, and lead to Kyle freaking out and jumping on the tracks and running across them to the other platform. Of course, I being a drunk idiot followed as everyone had this mortified look on their faces and stared us down afraid we'd do something else equally crazy.

Closest thing to crazy done after that was me stare at this subway poster for that movie Date Night. Stare at it good til I noticed a slight tear in Tina Fey's face and then well... this:

Friday, we laid there on the couches in my sister's apartment for a good chunk of the day. I eventually left, went back home, showered, changed, packed a bag, and then was back out the door to go back to my sister's to meet up Kyle. Ended up having a burrito the length of my forearm waiting for Kyle to get back from McSorely's. After arguing that i refused to drive to Philly, we got on one of those Chinaman express busses to Philly. Within 5 minutes of the bus leaving the "station", the emergency escape window busted open. I couldn't help but laugh for some reason as the Asian kid sitting in one of the seats next to the window just up and yells "HOLY DOG SHIT!" and started freaking out a little.

Then there's the fight between these two FILTH bags in a Acura TL decked out in racing stickers and those obnoxious mufflers that look like they are coffee bean cans got out of their car and started yelling at the woman in the BMW behind them in traffic (I guess the woman tapped their bumper? Who knows... those people were FILTH).

Eventually, Kyle and I got to Philly, met up his friend Alexis, and her friends at some bar in South Philly. We dropped our shit off at Alexis' place, met her roommate and some dude she was hanging out with in a tweed jacket.

From there, we went to some punk house to see a buncha "thrash" bands surrounded by people drinking and/or letting loose to the bands playing. This was followed by kids skating and riding bikes around the house and then followed by us, once again stopping off at Alexis' to drop our shit off, convince Lauren (Alexis' roommate) to come out with us, and then head to some bar that had karaoke done by people who could not hit a single note when doing Weezer songs. Highlight of that bar was this girl singing some Blondie song and basically getting all hot and bothered while bombed out of her mouth til the Karaoke host got mad and yelled at her to not molest his equipment (talking about the karaoke equipment, not his penis).

After this, we headed back to the apartment or whatever you call the place they were living in. Drinking like retards. getting high left and right. Being brash to 2 of Alexis' friends that came over. Etc, etc. This went on til about 6:30am when I passed the fuck out on the futon and woke up to everyone being loud a few hours later.

Highlights before we left back for NY were me stumbling upon an original pressing of the Reagan Youth album, an original Black Flag "Louie, Louie" 7" and um... I think that was about it. Oh and sushi right before we had to run to the bus before it left back for NY.

Rest of Saturday consisted of ANOTHER punk house show, this time in a loft in some run down building located in some bad part of town, that was all industrial. This was then followed by showing up to Lucy's to meet up a very inebriated Jared on his birthday followed by me and my sister losing Kyle. Did I mention that it was the most packed I've ever seen Lucy's in all the years I've been going there ever since Jared and I discovered that bar about 5 or 6 years ago?

My sister and I left early to look for Kyle (who was sitting on my sister's couch when we walked into her apartment).

Sunday was nothing but my sister driving me out to Loki's. We hung out there, watched Wrestlemania and all I really recall about that besides having a really good time, was Shammy telling me that if I want to get back in shape, maybe I should consider not drinking gin straight from the bottle as I talked to him about getting back into shape. Oh, and apparently when my sister dropped me back off at the house my mom was still up and somehow ended up going from conversations about ragging on people I used to know and then got into me demanding to her that I marry Lady Gaga over and over. This was followed by my mother repeatedly telling me I was drunk and to go to sleep. This went on til about 4am.

Monday is where I took a break... kinda. Yea, I guess. I was supposed to get a lot of shit done Monday. All that ended up happening was me going all the way out to Jersey with a tow truck to tow my Cobra outta there to take to a shop to have a new motor dropped in it, but this never happened cause some girl parked her car right in front of the garage door and I couldn't get the car out. I came back home, FURIOUS and then all else I did was order a pizza, lay in bed the remainder of the day, and then pick Scott up from the subway in Yonkers where he repaid me with Taco Bell. Pretty mundane night.

Last night I planned on sleeping all day. I did a good amount of that, which I guess was good since I feel like utter shit (may have something to do with Kyle and my sister repeatedly coughing on me from Thursday until Sunday). I was awoken later in the night by Dennis calling me and showing up to my house to take me off to Romil's for his b-day which consisted of me sitting there looking sickly til the movie started (we went to see hot tub time machine). I kept nodding off in the back seat the entire ride home, came home, yelled at my mom for trying to be funny and me telling her I was going to throw something at her if she thought she was gonna come in my room and annoy me any more than she already had done when I walked in the door.

And then there's today. We finally got some people to come cut down the neighbor's tree on our house/property. Did I mention the neighbors ran out of their house once and told this one guy we had come over to look at the tree that we weren't home and to not talk to us about prices for cutting it down, ALL just cause he was too cheap to have to pay anything? talk about scum bag. My mom told this guy working on the tree not to talk to anyone but her or me about this tree.

Between this tree nonsense (they've been here since 6am cutting this fucker to pieces and I am losing my mind) and my mother just really being on my nerves the past 2 days (I really don't think she pays attention to a word I ever say cause she spends an entire day asking me the same thing over and over until I flip a shit at her to shut up and that my answer is not going to change after the first 20 times of it being the same question), not to mention I apparently need to get my Cobra out of the garage by tomorrow and haven't heard shit about when that car is gonna be moved away from the entrance so I can get mine out... I'm gonna lose my mind or have a conniption or something.

And, if there's parts of this that don't make sense, it's probably cause I'm losing my mind from stress and the fact chainsaws and wood chippers are just going off all day, leading me to be distracted.

I Spy - Ramy Edition: Vol. 1

Yea, so I'm biting Kyle's style and doing a blog like he does. Sue me.

Cobra Commander 12" figure from the new Rise of Cobra movie toys (yea, I bought it)

Someone from Maryland who needs to be told the Ruff Ryders are soooo 1998. Yea, there's a giant chrome logo and it says "Ruff Ryders" in cursive on the bottom of the trunk and back side windows.

Little black girls wearing pink and red superman capes while waiting on line at Shop Rite.

Yes, that says "Steven Segal, DDS Pediatric Dentistry" The plethora of jokes I could go on about as to how teeth removal is done in that office.

And thus concludes Volume 1 of this nonsense. You may now return to your previously scheduled internet browsing.

My Adventures With Kyle in Brooklyn and the Lower East Side/Village

Last night started with me heading down to Brooklyn to hang out with Kyle who is apparently on an extended stay down here for reasons unknown (well, kinda unknown).

The night started out with us getting on the L train in the wrong direction and maybe 5 stops in realizing this. Then the F train wasn't running and we took the E train and walked a few blocks to this place called the Cake Shop. I never been there, but apparently it's got baked goods and records for sale in the front at the bar, there's a back room, and a downstairs with a bar and a stage for bands. Kyle wanted to catch the Mannequin Men cause he heard good things. Apparently he heard wrong, we paid too much for drinks while realizing this and left to head down to Lucy's for some cheap swill and to meet up Jared for a little bit as we set forth a plan for the remainder of the night. This included pbr, gin and shots of jameson.

Standing around outside of Max Fish, some bum approached us offering a magic trick for a dollar. I told him we're broke. Kyle just ignored him. Finally he comes up to us and is like "how about a trick on the house?" I was like "sure." Did the usual "pick a card, any card." of course i noticed he was setting it up so I'd definitely pick the card he wanted me to pick. A trick easy to fool someone piss drunk (or some girl on wine spritzers), but whatever. Iroincally, it was the Joker card. I was tempted to pocket it and run off but wanted to see his stupid trick pan out. that guy was so sloppy, i could catch so many of his not so slight of hand moves. Whatever. He showed me that I picked the Joker card and I walked away. I remeber he tried getting Kyle to pick a card too while Kyle was texting someone but Kyle yelled something at the bum like "I'M WORKING!" I dunno, that made me laugh.

But anyway, Lucy's was the all-star cast of employees. How Lucy isn't dead yet, I don't know. Her daughter and grand-daughter were working there, and so was Marco aka the Denim Reaper. the GILF (granddaughter I'd like to fuck) was being a snobby bitch as usual, but still doesn't mean I wouldn't bang her retarded first chance I will probably never get. Nothing was really going on in Lucy's, Lucy wouldn't turn the volume up on the jukebox for us and there was maybe 1 decent looking girl besides GILF in there. We ended up heading back to Brooklyn to hang out at some bars near where he's staying. First bar was kinda bunk. Highlights included a picture of Morrissy on the mirror behind the bar and the bar tender looking like that dude from Dead or Alive when he had all that wacky long hair. We left there before we even got a drink.

We then went to this other bar, after getting lost for 2 seconds, that my sister showed him on friday when her and her friends showed Kyle around Brooklyn. It wasn't too bad. All I can say for it was good scene, bad services. It took forever to take our orders, but we'd make em like a shot and a beer (or in my case a shot and a gin). To quote Kyle who called me just now "too much Jameson." I saw this girl and was a little flirty with her when ordered a round. She had strawberry blonde hair and a body that looked like it could take a dicking and a half. This went all down hill when I motioned to the loser she was talking to and she brushed me off and ignored me whenever I'd look over at her. Not like I was really putting much effort into it. Just wanted to stroke my ego, I suppose. Highlights at that bar included a girl wearing a chopped up November Coming Fire Samhain t-shirt. She'd be alright if her face didn't look like whatever it did. Then another cute girl dropped her iphone right in front of us and that's the first tiem I can say me, Kyle or this black guy who was asking me something can now say was the first time we've seen an iphone's screen shatter (apparently those phones are durable as hell from what I'm told). But yea, then it took a turn for the strange. Not only did we finally start getting blithering idiot drunk, but in walks a dude looking like, well... the only way I can explain it is "gay irish pirate." He was shirtless wearing this green sparkly sequen shaul over his shoulders, a pirate hat, and white biker shorts. another buddy of his was dressed exactly like how Hunter S Tompson would have dressed (I guess imagine Johnny Depp as him in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, only not Johnny Depp but some schnook from Brooklyn). Also with these 2 kooks was some dude dressed as a cave man. a text about this resulted in me now having a convo between scott and I on TextsFromLastNight.com: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/45884

but yea, I don't recall much of us going home. All I remember is Kyle walked out the door with a beer and the bouncer was like "go inside and drink that." He finished and we left, staggering down the streets along the highway, back to his place. I now vaguely remember Kyle being so drunk he couldn't get the key anywhere near the keyholes to each door. I took the key from him and did it saying something about being a functional drunk. It turned into a team up where he'd show me what the key looked like on his janitors array of keys and I'd go through each key that looked like said key to try and open a door. The last one to his apartment was a doosie and I remember him being on the floor, face to the door trying to get the key in til we got back.

All else I remember is him pissing, I think he fell in the bathroom, and then going to his room and passing out fully dressed and with the light on. I pissed and passed out on the couch for 2 or so hours before waking up, realize i had to drive to my mom's, get a change of clothes so I could go to work. What ended up happening was I got to my mom's sometime around 8, fell asleep and woke up when I was supposed to have opened the office, got dressed, gave my mom her mother's day present and showed up to work 20 minutes late.

All and all, not bad. Not crazy, but whatever.

Oh, and a funny thing I wanted to post on twitter but couldn't figure out how to send a picture text to my account was that while we were getting off the E train (that sounds like such a drug reference), we saw this pillar in the subway that had scribbled onto it "FOR A GOOD BLOWJOB CALL EMILY AT" and then had some phone number scribbled under it. Very tempted to call, but I'm sure that number must've been changed by now, and if not, I'd be the one call that gets traced to be charged with sexual harassment.