"Summarize"

Since Thursday afternoon, up until maybe yesterday, my life was a whirlwind of stupidity and indulgences.

Lets see. Highlights of Thursday include meeting up Kyle, heading to the east village with him and my sister, wandering for a bit til I decided to take the 2 of them to Blue and Gold. We hung out there for a bit and sucked it up with dealing with the bitter, stuck up, a-hole bartender (which is basically anyone that place employs if you ask me). My sister eventually left around the same time Kyle's friend met us up for drinks. Around this time, we also decided to trek across the LES. Noting much went down. We went to one bar with a cute bartender (which is around the same time I started getting these chalices of gin and soda), and um... what else? Oh, I not only convinced these 3 homeless guys that I didn't have any money, but that I too was homeless. Bad idea, since after the convincing was done, I was bombarded with helpful hints on how to stay warm in the cold months and where to look for free to substantially low priced residency. Then they asked me why I was hanging out with two kids who obviously had money to buy pizza and not get me pizza. This is around the time I kinda just scampered off after saying something that was just me verbally trailing off, followed by me trailing off physically.

The night was pretty mundane for the most part after that, except for when we me and Kyle were going back to my sister's. For some reason we got on the wrong side of the tracks. We were on the west bound side when we needed to be on the east bound, headed to Brooklyn. What did we do? Well, first I calmed Kyle down and told him we could just walk up the stairs and go around to the other side... of course I lead us to the wrong set of stairs, and lead to Kyle freaking out and jumping on the tracks and running across them to the other platform. Of course, I being a drunk idiot followed as everyone had this mortified look on their faces and stared us down afraid we'd do something else equally crazy.

Closest thing to crazy done after that was me stare at this subway poster for that movie Date Night. Stare at it good til I noticed a slight tear in Tina Fey's face and then well... this:

Friday, we laid there on the couches in my sister's apartment for a good chunk of the day. I eventually left, went back home, showered, changed, packed a bag, and then was back out the door to go back to my sister's to meet up Kyle. Ended up having a burrito the length of my forearm waiting for Kyle to get back from McSorely's. After arguing that i refused to drive to Philly, we got on one of those Chinaman express busses to Philly. Within 5 minutes of the bus leaving the "station", the emergency escape window busted open. I couldn't help but laugh for some reason as the Asian kid sitting in one of the seats next to the window just up and yells "HOLY DOG SHIT!" and started freaking out a little.

Then there's the fight between these two FILTH bags in a Acura TL decked out in racing stickers and those obnoxious mufflers that look like they are coffee bean cans got out of their car and started yelling at the woman in the BMW behind them in traffic (I guess the woman tapped their bumper? Who knows... those people were FILTH).

Eventually, Kyle and I got to Philly, met up his friend Alexis, and her friends at some bar in South Philly. We dropped our shit off at Alexis' place, met her roommate and some dude she was hanging out with in a tweed jacket.

From there, we went to some punk house to see a buncha "thrash" bands surrounded by people drinking and/or letting loose to the bands playing. This was followed by kids skating and riding bikes around the house and then followed by us, once again stopping off at Alexis' to drop our shit off, convince Lauren (Alexis' roommate) to come out with us, and then head to some bar that had karaoke done by people who could not hit a single note when doing Weezer songs. Highlight of that bar was this girl singing some Blondie song and basically getting all hot and bothered while bombed out of her mouth til the Karaoke host got mad and yelled at her to not molest his equipment (talking about the karaoke equipment, not his penis).

After this, we headed back to the apartment or whatever you call the place they were living in. Drinking like retards. getting high left and right. Being brash to 2 of Alexis' friends that came over. Etc, etc. This went on til about 6:30am when I passed the fuck out on the futon and woke up to everyone being loud a few hours later.

Highlights before we left back for NY were me stumbling upon an original pressing of the Reagan Youth album, an original Black Flag "Louie, Louie" 7" and um... I think that was about it. Oh and sushi right before we had to run to the bus before it left back for NY.

Rest of Saturday consisted of ANOTHER punk house show, this time in a loft in some run down building located in some bad part of town, that was all industrial. This was then followed by showing up to Lucy's to meet up a very inebriated Jared on his birthday followed by me and my sister losing Kyle. Did I mention that it was the most packed I've ever seen Lucy's in all the years I've been going there ever since Jared and I discovered that bar about 5 or 6 years ago?

My sister and I left early to look for Kyle (who was sitting on my sister's couch when we walked into her apartment).

Sunday was nothing but my sister driving me out to Loki's. We hung out there, watched Wrestlemania and all I really recall about that besides having a really good time, was Shammy telling me that if I want to get back in shape, maybe I should consider not drinking gin straight from the bottle as I talked to him about getting back into shape. Oh, and apparently when my sister dropped me back off at the house my mom was still up and somehow ended up going from conversations about ragging on people I used to know and then got into me demanding to her that I marry Lady Gaga over and over. This was followed by my mother repeatedly telling me I was drunk and to go to sleep. This went on til about 4am.

Monday is where I took a break... kinda. Yea, I guess. I was supposed to get a lot of shit done Monday. All that ended up happening was me going all the way out to Jersey with a tow truck to tow my Cobra outta there to take to a shop to have a new motor dropped in it, but this never happened cause some girl parked her car right in front of the garage door and I couldn't get the car out. I came back home, FURIOUS and then all else I did was order a pizza, lay in bed the remainder of the day, and then pick Scott up from the subway in Yonkers where he repaid me with Taco Bell. Pretty mundane night.

Last night I planned on sleeping all day. I did a good amount of that, which I guess was good since I feel like utter shit (may have something to do with Kyle and my sister repeatedly coughing on me from Thursday until Sunday). I was awoken later in the night by Dennis calling me and showing up to my house to take me off to Romil's for his b-day which consisted of me sitting there looking sickly til the movie started (we went to see hot tub time machine). I kept nodding off in the back seat the entire ride home, came home, yelled at my mom for trying to be funny and me telling her I was going to throw something at her if she thought she was gonna come in my room and annoy me any more than she already had done when I walked in the door.

And then there's today. We finally got some people to come cut down the neighbor's tree on our house/property. Did I mention the neighbors ran out of their house once and told this one guy we had come over to look at the tree that we weren't home and to not talk to us about prices for cutting it down, ALL just cause he was too cheap to have to pay anything? talk about scum bag. My mom told this guy working on the tree not to talk to anyone but her or me about this tree.

Between this tree nonsense (they've been here since 6am cutting this fucker to pieces and I am losing my mind) and my mother just really being on my nerves the past 2 days (I really don't think she pays attention to a word I ever say cause she spends an entire day asking me the same thing over and over until I flip a shit at her to shut up and that my answer is not going to change after the first 20 times of it being the same question), not to mention I apparently need to get my Cobra out of the garage by tomorrow and haven't heard shit about when that car is gonna be moved away from the entrance so I can get mine out... I'm gonna lose my mind or have a conniption or something.

And, if there's parts of this that don't make sense, it's probably cause I'm losing my mind from stress and the fact chainsaws and wood chippers are just going off all day, leading me to be distracted.

The Ramy is a Mess Cooking Show: Vol. 2/Last NIght's Happenings

Yep, it's another installment of this soon to be classic page from a soon to be classic alcoholic's cook book (actually, I'm lying, I write this down not to entertain you, the reader, but for me to remember how to make this shit if I ever get bored and wanna revisit one of these meals). Today's experiment in the kitchen will be called...

The Ramy Zestaspicy Tofu and Brocoli



Step one of this mess started with me very bored and realizing it was lunch time (usually how most, if not all, of these little mad chef experiments of mine begin). I bought a brick of firm tofu and decided to make some of it for lunch. I had no clue how to cook it so I looked up online how to go about cooking it and what to do to spice it up (besides my usual dumping of a bottle of hot sauce on everything I eat... did I mention how awesome chipotle flavored tabasco sauce on pizza is? SO GOOD). Anyway, I noticed a lot of the recipes (read that as all 3 of the ones I glanced at) mentioned marinating the tofu. Well, right there I was like "i'm not reading all of this nonsense" and went downstairs to the kitchen to make up my own marinade. Much like every time I start these things, i grab a pot or pan, throw it on the stove and then start rifling through the fridge for some ideas. This is what ended up being the recipe:

- coat the pan (yea, get a pan first) with extra virgin (or at least that's what she tells me) olive oil just enough, not too much though
- a minced garlic clove (reasons like this is why I want a fucking slap chop, dammit)
- a tablespoon of Sriracha chili sauce (gotta love that asian shit)
- a shot of Bacardi rum (cause i was thinking of wine and there seems to always be a bottle of Bacardi next to the stove when I do these things, so it ends up being Bacardi)
- a tablespoon of some shit called Zesty Lemon and Pepper (basically cause I was too lazy to cut a lemon in half and then squeeze the juice out of it... someone needs a juice too it seems).

mix in pan and simmer... down nah!

While this was going on I chopped up a fourth of this brick of tofu into tiny cubes and threw it into the marinade that was simmering (down nah).

Then, like an ass, I forgot to defrost the broccoli and realized throwing them in the pan with the tofu/marinade mixup wasn't gonna work, so...

- boil a few brocoli trees (that's what they're called, right?)
- chop into about 4 or 5 pieces (well, depending on how big these fuckers are)

I mixed all this shit up into a bowl and KA-BLAMO! There's the Earth shattering ka-boom, Marvin the Martian.

If you're wondering what i did last night from my nonsense twitter posts that gave little to no clues about my evening jaunt, other than there was karaoke going on, I went to this place in Chestnut Ridge with Loki and JV. It's a stone's throw from the town they live in and it looked like a fucking barn... in fact, I'm pretty sure it had the word "Barn" in it's name... or maybe the name was just "Barn", I can't remember. Just like every bar Loki has frequented on more than one occasion, people came up to him like he was the don left and right to say hello. Sam and her friends were there and they eventually took over a table. We watched some BAD karaoke (well, I mean all karaoke is usually bad, it means off-key or something like that for crying out loud). One of the selected moments I'll mention was these 2 rather tall black fellows decided to "sing" Lil Wayne's "A Milli". By sing i mean, they just kept going "A MILLI, A MILLI, A MILLI" over and over again as the lyrics would pass by the screen. Then, one started trying to rap to it, but it was horrendous. It got to the point where this guy was literally just making thugish"uhhh" sounds into the mic as the other fellow kept on with his a milli, a milli, a milli-ing. Another thing I'll mention was this one girl who looks like an undeveloped fetus (and was about the size of one), sang some song that sounded like it was from a Disney movie and about strep throat and sniffly noses. I called her out on it later in the night when she lent me her lighter, which she had, not one, but TWO Ed Hardy lighters. You know I went off on her about that as well as when she told me she loves show tunes which resulted in her walking away from me to hit on some guy who, when he asked her how old she was, I blurted out "2... 2 and a half really. Well, depending on what time it is," I then looked down at my imaginary wrist watch, "2 and 3 quarters."

Other than that whole mess, it was a, um... "cozy" bar with a cast of characters and some hot bitches (one girl was just knee cripplingly hot... so hot). One guy's face REALLY bothered me. He had these fucking sideburns thing and pointing, hair was kinda blown out, and his eyebrows just screamed wax job. I am pretty fucking sure that he was wearing mascara on his eyelashes and Sam agreed with me when I pointed em out, so it's not just my imagination going off on me again. He went girl to girl hitting on them and the ones that couldn't see past his immense douchery (read that as EVERY girl he talked to) got all blushy and flirty and shit with him. Shit like that sickens me. Ok, here's my douche bag lesson to ladies:

These guys aren't douche bags (they just have problems with keeping their mouths closed as they chrew):




This IS a douche bag:



I seriously do not know what women find attractive about men who wear over exuberant designs of dragons jerking themselves off in gold linings on their t-shirts, have womanly eyebrows, hair that puts bart Simpson to shame and sometimes even tans that make you look like an oompa loompa. Well, judging by the last 2 characteristics, these girls must have some sexual attraction to cartoonish-characters... well ladies, I am all the cartoon you need (seeing as how my mind works like the plot of a Loony Tunes cartoon), not these eye sores that drive their mom's BMWs and go to free vodka (which they usually pronounce as "vokka") events.

IN other news, what the fuck is up with the new Depeche Mode album? I'm halfway through it now and it now and it's been nothing but British depression lamentations. Sounds like the kinda album you sit in a dark room listening to when you've just had enough of the world.

Eerie Von Book Signing, Alcohol, and Being at Each Other's Throats

Act 1:

So, last night I went to Loki's to meet up him and JV. JV and I sat around, he playing that new Super Mario for Wii as Sam read off walkthroughs for each level, I sitting on the computer wasting my life waiting for Loki to get home from work. We were waiting for Loki cause we were all gonna go down together to the city. Loki opted to fall asleep right after getting home, so JV and I decided to just book it to the city.

Sitting in traffic is never fun. Bridge and Tunnel traffic is even worse and the fact we wanted to get to the place a little before the whole shebang went down was even more annoying. For an hour and a half we sat in traffic waiting to get across the Lincoln Tunnel to get to the damn show. Let me say that again, an hour and a fucking half of sitting in traffic. Once we hit Manhattan we booked it down 9th ave and made it pretty far down before we hit a red light. We found a spot not too far from Generation Records, paid for parking, and walked to the place. We got there and I had to pick up this card that I would then have to hand to someone later to get my copy of the book we were there for the signing of.

We missed most of the set, but got to see them (Eerie Von, Lyle Preslar and Mike D'Antonio) perform To Walk the Night, Killer Wolf and an Elvis song (I can't remember which one off the top of my head right now). JV took a video of them doing To Walk the Night on his video camera thingie which I'm sure he'll put up on youtube once he realizes no one is gona be posting anything online any time soon.

After they were done playing, Eerie was like "ok, lets sign some books!" and me and JV were apparently right next to the front of the line when we were looking at t-shirts. JV ended up buying the death dealer Samhain shirt I picked up a few months back at Generation (it is quite possibly my favorite shirt right now... and that sentance was quite possibly the gayest thing I've said in 2010 so far). Eerie walked up to JV while heading to the table to sign shit and I was like "what is that wonderful smell?" I looked up and saw he was holding an almost finished bottle of Jim Beam and some beer. After Eerie walked off, Jv looks at me and goes "i wanna see what a night out of drinking would even be like if the two of you went out together." (I was informed earlier last month this "he is a rude lush just like you.")

The signing was kinda funny. Eerie and I just kinda didn't know what to say to one another and it was kinda one of those convos where both parites just go "yep" back and forth to each other which was always portrayed in King of the Hill when the guys would just sit around drinking beer and going "yep". Tom Bejworkicz struck up a short lived convo with me about They Live since I was wearing my Obey shirt with the news caster alien in front of it. This convo was cut off by Eerie asking if we'd seen some movie caleld invasion of frog people or something like that. This was followed by I believe JV talking with him about that as Tom and I kinda just shrugged our shoulders and were like "yea, ok. what they said." Eerie had extended an invite to come with the guys after the signing to a Mexican joint for eats and drinks. That sounded like a fun idea til we went upstairs to go outside and I literally bumped into Chud who was trying to be all incogneato with his glasses on and a hoodie up (but how incogneato can you be when you're wearing a beanie with a giant logo of the band you used to be in across your fucking forehead?) While outside smoking he kept glancing over in our direction and we knew he'd probably be at the mexican place and that would just be awkward as all hell (if you don't know the back story to why, just know it'd be awkard as all hell).

Act 2:

So yea, Jv and I had to pee and were hungry and wanted to go someplace warm to sit down and eat. I suggested Ben's Pizza cause well, it's fucking pizza and it's the only one I could think of in that area with a bathroom, seating arrangements and good pizza. Of course we can't even eat in peace cause bums in New York have the nerve to walk into establishments that dont have door men or bouncers to keep riff-raff out and this fucking bum came right up to us trying to do magic tricks with a deck of cards. Man was sloppy as shit and I watched as he was not at all sly in any of his movements. I watched as he tried sliding my card to the top of the deck. Failed. He got JV's card right, but he fucked up when he was sliding my card around and it just didn't come up. Also, the whole thing where he tries to hold the card on the backside of your hand trick... yea. not too suave about that. And yes, I am critiquing a bum's card handling ettiquette.

After we were done, eating, pissing, etc. We went back to Generation. The crowd was still there and so was Sal Bee and Chud who were hanging out with some people in the store. We decided it would be in our best interests not to stick around. I texted Romil cause he said he was gonna be at Union Bar with Dan. They were still there so we put money in the meter to last til 10pm (aka when parking is free) and hopped a cab to Union Square. First of all, fuck that cabbie. Second of all, apparently I was with JV the first time he's ever ridden a taxi in NYC. We got to Union bar and Dan and Romil were hanging out with Mel and her friend at the back end of the bar. We met up had like 2 drinks and then went to this other fucking bar I forget the name of but wasn't too fond of. My sister met us up, followed by Scott and Jose who came from work and then Loki showed up. a few round of shots were given to me cause my birthday is coming up on monday (ugh, kill me) and shortly after JV told me Ed was in the city at some bar his cousin works at. Me, JV, Loki and my sister left for this place.

Act 3:

Where did we end up? a damn japanese styled bar with a liquor bar in the front when you walk in and a sushi bar in the far back. It was also karaoke night there last night. Apparently JV and my sister conspired to sign me up to sign Poker Face by Lady Gaga. Yea, all I hear is "Ramy... the birthday boy. You're signing." I go up and am like "what the fuck did you assholes sign me up for?" I looked down at the screen and was like "loooord!" Yea, JV filmed the whole slow motion train wreck. At points I was just garbling my words and filling in my own words. At one point I said something like "crazy niggas" and then looked up to realize that the table in front of me was nothing but black couples... all staring at me. This was followed by me noticing one of the karaoke hosts was coming towards me for a second and i was sure he was gonna grab the mic from me. He didn't though and let me go on making it known I am the shame of my family. A buncha high kicks and Axl Rose shimmies and some horribly off key singing later and that train wreck pulled into the station for it's final destination; Fail town. I'm sure the horrors witnessed at that point in the night will be up on youtube a while after whenever it is JV wakes up today.

Apparently around this time there was some altercations between Dan and Jose. From what I'm told Dan said some shit to Jose, Jose went outside cursing, some guy heard Jose and thought he was directing at him, comes over to confront Jose and without a word being said, Jose just decked the guy and then realized the dude he punched was with 4 other dudes, so Jose ran into a cab and headed back to his place in Brooklyn, and because of that, we lead to...

Act 4:

For a while we were sitting around drinking and watching people bomb at karaoke and making jokes as we got drunker and drunker. This is around the time I started getting calls and texts from Scott asking me where Jose was and that he left his jacket and cellphone at the last bar. Then Romil called. Mind you I texted both of them several times with the address to where we were located at. They showed up one by one. Scott and Loki went off to McDonalds and apparently ate 2 meals each. I sat around with my sister, JV and Ed cause shortly after talking to Dan and Romil, the two of them left.

We left shortly after. Scott and I said our goodbyes to Loki and JV and we split for our cars. Scott and I walked in the freezing cold back to the west side, talking and BSing. Giving Scott my stories of experience with the opposite sex and how I handle things, and how he shouldn't handle them. And, as usual, every story I had was followed with "That's horrible" or "how could you do that? Jesus."

We finally got back to the car (after me freaking out that my car wasn't in the spot I parked it in, followed by me remembering I didn't even park it on that street, but the block over) and I drove Scott back to his car that was parked off of McLean ave in Yonkers.

As I was getting into bed, I got a text from Scott saying Jose's keys were in the coat pocket Scott was holding onto and I told him there is no way I was driving back to Manhattan at 4 in the morning. I passed out and woke up wanting to kill myself due to sinuses and a hungover, both leading to a major headache this morning.

Tonight, I think I'm going to Loki's. Dunno for sure wanted to go to the city to meet up with Natasha for drinks, but who knows what the fuck is going on now. For all I know, Loki is planning some big shebang of a house party in my name. I am never one for my own birthday (I think Aker said... or quoted star trek, that I treat my birthday like a funeral). Eh, Whatever. Someone let me know what the fuck is going on cause otherwise I'm gonna just lay in bed all night.