Step one of this mess started with me very bored and realizing it was lunch time (usually how most, if not all, of these little mad chef experiments of mine begin). I bought a brick of firm tofu and decided to make some of it for lunch. I had no clue how to cook it so I looked up online how to go about cooking it and what to do to spice it up (besides my usual dumping of a bottle of hot sauce on everything I eat... did I mention how awesome chipotle flavored tabasco sauce on pizza is? SO GOOD). Anyway, I noticed a lot of the recipes (read that as all 3 of the ones I glanced at) mentioned marinating the tofu. Well, right there I was like "i'm not reading all of this nonsense" and went downstairs to the kitchen to make up my own marinade. Much like every time I start these things, i grab a pot or pan, throw it on the stove and then start rifling through the fridge for some ideas. This is what ended up being the recipe:
- coat the pan (yea, get a pan first) with extra virgin (or at least that's what she tells me) olive oil just enough, not too much though
- a minced garlic clove (reasons like this is why I want a fucking slap chop, dammit)
- a tablespoon of Sriracha chili sauce (gotta love that asian shit)
- a shot of Bacardi rum (cause i was thinking of wine and there seems to always be a bottle of Bacardi next to the stove when I do these things, so it ends up being Bacardi)
- a tablespoon of some shit called Zesty Lemon and Pepper (basically cause I was too lazy to cut a lemon in half and then squeeze the juice out of it... someone needs a juice too it seems).
mix in pan and simmer... down nah!
While this was going on I chopped up a fourth of this brick of tofu into tiny cubes and threw it into the marinade that was simmering (down nah).
Then, like an ass, I forgot to defrost the broccoli and realized throwing them in the pan with the tofu/marinade mixup wasn't gonna work, so...
- boil a few brocoli trees (that's what they're called, right?)
- chop into about 4 or 5 pieces (well, depending on how big these fuckers are)
I mixed all this shit up into a bowl and KA-BLAMO! There's the Earth shattering ka-boom, Marvin the Martian.
If you're wondering what i did last night from my nonsense twitter posts that gave little to no clues about my evening jaunt, other than there was karaoke going on, I went to this place in Chestnut Ridge with Loki and JV. It's a stone's throw from the town they live in and it looked like a fucking barn... in fact, I'm pretty sure it had the word "Barn" in it's name... or maybe the name was just "Barn", I can't remember. Just like every bar Loki has frequented on more than one occasion, people came up to him like he was the don left and right to say hello. Sam and her friends were there and they eventually took over a table. We watched some BAD karaoke (well, I mean all karaoke is usually bad, it means off-key or something like that for crying out loud). One of the selected moments I'll mention was these 2 rather tall black fellows decided to "sing" Lil Wayne's "A Milli". By sing i mean, they just kept going "A MILLI, A MILLI, A MILLI" over and over again as the lyrics would pass by the screen. Then, one started trying to rap to it, but it was horrendous. It got to the point where this guy was literally just making thugish"uhhh" sounds into the mic as the other fellow kept on with his a milli, a milli, a milli-ing. Another thing I'll mention was this one girl who looks like an undeveloped fetus (and was about the size of one), sang some song that sounded like it was from a Disney movie and about strep throat and sniffly noses. I called her out on it later in the night when she lent me her lighter, which she had, not one, but TWO Ed Hardy lighters. You know I went off on her about that as well as when she told me she loves show tunes which resulted in her walking away from me to hit on some guy who, when he asked her how old she was, I blurted out "2... 2 and a half really. Well, depending on what time it is," I then looked down at my imaginary wrist watch, "2 and 3 quarters."
Other than that whole mess, it was a, um... "cozy" bar with a cast of characters and some hot bitches (one girl was just knee cripplingly hot... so hot). One guy's face REALLY bothered me. He had these fucking sideburns thing and pointing, hair was kinda blown out, and his eyebrows just screamed wax job. I am pretty fucking sure that he was wearing mascara on his eyelashes and Sam agreed with me when I pointed em out, so it's not just my imagination going off on me again. He went girl to girl hitting on them and the ones that couldn't see past his immense douchery (read that as EVERY girl he talked to) got all blushy and flirty and shit with him. Shit like that sickens me. Ok, here's my douche bag lesson to ladies:
These guys aren't douche bags (they just have problems with keeping their mouths closed as they chrew):
This IS a douche bag:
I seriously do not know what women find attractive about men who wear over exuberant designs of dragons jerking themselves off in gold linings on their t-shirts, have womanly eyebrows, hair that puts bart Simpson to shame and sometimes even tans that make you look like an oompa loompa. Well, judging by the last 2 characteristics, these girls must have some sexual attraction to cartoonish-characters... well ladies, I am all the cartoon you need (seeing as how my mind works like the plot of a Loony Tunes cartoon), not these eye sores that drive their mom's BMWs and go to free vodka (which they usually pronounce as "vokka") events.
IN other news, what the fuck is up with the new Depeche Mode album? I'm halfway through it now and it now and it's been nothing but British depression lamentations. Sounds like the kinda album you sit in a dark room listening to when you've just had enough of the world.
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