The Latest Thing I Submitted to my Creative Writing Class, Etc

Ok, so my creative writing class asked that I submit a story today. I, being a completely lazy fuck who had many stories he could have written about that he wanted to write about but hasn't yet, decided that it's a lot easier to copy and paste a story that needs little to no editing to submit instead.I posted the original story on my myspace blog on Saturday, April 18th of this year, meaning the story took place that friday, the 17th of April. I had to make 20 copies of the story and pass out copies of it to the class today for them to read and then critique and give me their responses to by Wednesday afternoon. Scott was glancing at a copy of my story I printed up before I made more copies and he basically said people are gonna know there's something wrong with me. But whatever, I handed em out and as I was walking around handing out copies, I heard one guy in the class read aloud the title and then just mutter "jesus..." in a sorta shock/disbelief. I am gonna post the story below and then follow that up hopefully Wednesday before I go out for a little (and by little I mean a lot of) Thanksgiving eve drinking, or as Loki calls it, "amateur night". So yea, here's the story, read up on it so you'll know what to laugh at when I post the more comical of responses to this drunken rant:

Fat Girls Need Lovin’ Too… Just Not From Me

I got on the train yesterday. First thing the conductor says to me is, "where's the other one?" I look at him in all sorts of confusion and say "the other what?" he goes "your ticket. This is for a return trip from New York." I look at him and go "huh?" He goes "you bought a round trip. This is the return ticket." Still confused, I look at him and go "what the fuck are you talking about?" He puts the ticket in my face and goes "LOOK!" I look at it and tell him I only bought a one way to the city and had no idea as to why my ticket said I paid $11.25 for a round trip. He then starts talking down to me and basically talking to me like my IQ was equal to or less than 75. What transpired after was an argument between the conductor and I with such shit as him saying, "how can you not pay attention to what you're paying for?" and me going off on him saying how I paid attention. I fucking was staring right at the button as I pressed it, and that the reason I didn't have a receipt was because that goddamn stupid fucking machine hasn't spit out a receipt in the past month and a half that I had been using it. Then I also started mentioning how half the time the machine gets jammed up and you have to basically run across the street screaming as you drop kick the damn thing to get your ticket out. This went on for the duration of one stop on the train before he got fed up trying to get me to pay for another ticket (YEA, after all that he still tried getting me to pay and I was like "fuck THAT!"). He then punched enough holes in the card to make it look like Swiss cheese (yea, quite the CHEESY comment, no?)

What happened next? Well, as the next stop rolled around, 3 guys, 2 of which were wearing devils jerseys, get on the train and sit next to me. Sure the train wasn't packed yet, but for some reason, I had to move my ass to let these ugly retards sit near me. The one that wasn't wearing a devils jersey... yea, He was the classiest one of them all. He sat there typing on his laptop with the slightest of ease using one hand as the other was in a cast. Someone must've gotten years of practice before he broke that hand, if you know what I mean. But, that wasn't the worst thing about this guy. I basically stared at him (well, not stared. I’d look away when I noticed he was about to look in my direction, but otherwise it was a full on stare) as he'd pick his nose, look around to see if anyone was looking and then EAT HIS BOOGERS. This went on for most of the train ride. After a while I gave up being Mr. look away and would just stared in shock and gave him the ewe/what the fuck are you doing look.
Getting on the transfer train at Secaucus Junction was fun. I refused to pay for another ticket and also wanted to stick it to the conductor on the train I previously was on (who I am almost positive was the same asshole who kicked me off the train in Ridgewood on Tuesday telling me the train doesn't go to my town, when I TAKE THE SAME FUCKING TRAIN ALL THE GODDAMN TIME). What happened was this. I basically was thinking of how to get about the turnstyle-like machine that you have to swipe your train ticket into to proceed further on. Thinking of how I was basically going to have to end up running and jumping it before the train came in or talking someone into letting me run in as they swipe their ticket, I see this ditzy girl say to the security guy how her ticket wasn't working. Another IDIOT a few rows down couldn't figure out how to work the machine either. The security guy went over to see what was going on and scanned his ID card to let the ditzy girl and the idiot guy in. I figured now was my time to make a run for it. Apparently, someone else had the same idea as me and took this opportunity to do about what I was planning. That old gray haired bastard shoved his way through and almost knocked the ditz over as well as almost broke the security door off the hinge (or whatever the fuck it's on) off the machine. The security guard started yelling as I ran though. I look back at him, shrug my shoulders and go "oh, i was with her," pointing at the ditz, "my card had the same problem." Thank God his response was throwing his hands in the air in a gesture of giving up instead of him chasing after me. I didn't care that much after that. I figured that was an opportune moment since the train was on its way to the station any second... but then I saw it was running 5 minutes late which made me glad that guard didn't come after me.
The train was over packed with all kinds of mongoloids in Mets and Devils jerseys. This fat smelly woman in Mets gear was standing next to me on the train. It was not fun to say the least. Penn station was no fun either. It was particularly crowded. So were the streets, and the N train was just straight up atrocious. I have never seen such a mob on a train platform. I'm surprised people weren't shoving each other onto the tracks by bumping into one another, it was THAT crowded.
But whatever, I get to Union Square and met Romil up for some drinks. I ordered 2 Stellas thinking I'd have myself a beer and one waiting for Romil by the time he got there. Turns out that out of all the beers on tap there, I chose the one beer that was empty and needed to be replaced. They tell me this a minute or so after the fact and promised it would only be a few moments. I had to sit there for 10 to 15 minutes for a drink; A few moments, my ass. Yea yea, I know, I'm not some booze-starved fiend who couldn't sit out those 10 to 15 minutes. It's just that there was nothing to do and I was by myself for a while, by myself for a while in a damn bar. Romil eventually met me up, and the beer still wasn't ready. I was not surprised at all by this fact.
Bla bla bla, drinking, bullshitting, etc ensued. We eventually got these rather good (or maybe I was too drunk to realize they were bad) seasoned fries. Yea, come to think of it, they were covered in so much fucking garlic, whatever. I went to piss and first upon walking to the stairs to where the bathroom is, this LOSER with shitty tattoos, shaved head and white trash facial hair start tugging really hard on his friend and going "come on, I gotta show you something in the bathroom," and then starts doing the coke motions on his nose. I stare at him and give him this "that's REAL classy" look. He gave me the usual "I'm tough" look some lowlife like him would give. I just shook my head and gave him this facial expression to let him know I think he's a joke and kept on walking. Then I get downstairs and this girl is basically lost trying to get to the bathroom. This is the girl I pointed out to Romil earlier, saying that the other girl she was sitting next to her was friends with her so that guys would be like "oh, well, your big ears and nose aren't so bad upon seeing how your friend looks." What happens? It started out with me making some smart ass comment to her in regards to her getting lost trying to find the bathroom as I walked right into the men's bathroom door (which is literally 2 inches from the women's bathroom door). This resulted in her coming up to me later on in the evening as Romil and I were finishing our drink. She asked me something along the lines of "aren't you the guy who made a comment about me not being able to find the bathroom?" (That was quite possibly the worst attempt at playing dumb, mind you). This turned into her not leaving me alone for quite some time. I kept looking at Romil and asking him shit like "aren't you done yet?" and "come on, aren't we gonna meet up Dan or what?" Then the girl's friend came over, and I was right, upon seeing her, her big ears and nose weren't so bad looking in comparison to this egg of a girl who walked like a duck and wouldn’t leave me alone. Apparently me shifting my attention to big ears didn't phase the egg and she kept bugging me on and on. I don't even know how I ended up drinking a car bomb with her, honestly. Somehow I ended up paying too. Oh wait; she said whoever loses the chugging contest pays. I said I hate car bombs, they're for micks and I'm not one, etc. (honestly, who drinks those things?) I even told the bar tender "2 car bombs," and then leaned over the bar and said "and by two car bombs, I mean give this thing next to me a car bomb as I get a Jager bomb." Apparently the bartender didn't understand my subtlety and said aloud asking me "so a Jager bomb for you?" Then both the egg and the ears started going "oh, you're sneaky," and bla bla bla with their moron banter. I knew I was going to lose this chugging contest, I just didn't think this girl was the queen of unhinging her epiglottis and basically inhaling booze.

Somehow, the egg, the ears and their friend, the gay Asian dude, left with us. The gay Asian dude who I didn't even realize was with them until he started leaving with us ended up wandering off to "see a friend" (read that as he probably got corn holed within seconds of turning the corner from us judging by how he was reacting to the phone call he had gotten from said “friend”). But yea, these 2 girls kept trying to talk us into ditching Dan and heading to some Irish bar 4 blocks away from where we were supposed to be. I was like "fuck that, you go." Romil kept telling me to talk to the egg cause she liked me. I responded, annunciating every word, with "I do not care." The ears, on the other hand, was all into Romil. I was not going to have a pork roast. (Get it, she's fat, pork is a term for sex... she was fat... think about that little "pork roast" comment now... ok, it wasn't that good, shut up). My complete lack of sympathy for others emotions started kicking in and started off with me flat out telling the egg to shut up at one point when she wouldn't stop talking to me. That and I shoved my hand in her face to silence her. Apparently that didn't shut her up cause she kept going on and on about how she couldn't believe I did that. I told her "believe it," but that didn't work.
We show up and Dan sees these girls. First words out of his mouth were "whose your girl?" as the two girls wandered off to the bathroom right away. Dan then goes on to tell me to fuck the fat one for a good laugh. I was like "FUCK THAT!" I was afraid they'd follow us off to Black Finn later and then it hit me to get on the horn texting Scott saying to get Sarah and/or Ali to say I was their boyfriend to get this THING of a girl off my case when we'd show up there. Yea, this is how not into her I was. I mean, for crying out loud, I kept thinking "quack, quack, quack" each time she'd take a step. Yea, she really had that duck waddle, feet all out pointing in opposite directions, thing down to a T. 2 girls Dan works with came up and said hello after this ordeal went on. I then noticed It was an all Asian bar. It was ALL ASIANS, us 5 non-Asians, the 2 girls who followed us from Union Square, and 2 guys hanging out at the bar (and come to think of it, I think one of them was at least half-Asian).
We were given something called a tornado, I think? I don’t know really. It was basically Johnny Walker black and some kind of nasty beer. The girl would spin it around and would basically make that tornado effect anyone that went to a primary school science fair can figure out how to do (but I guess cause you're drunk you're supposed to be wowed?) The whole deal was she'd put a napkin over it, do the tornado dealy, and then throw the napkin, that is now sopping wet from the booze splashing around onto it, on the ceiling. Yea, the ceiling looked like spit-wad central. Long story short, the drink tasted like a rapist special and I drank it slowly cause of how bad it was. Apparently you're supposed to chug it. Yea, that's what I need, a black out AND a headache the next day that may or may not have lead to me being man-handled by some girl shaped like a dairy product found in your refrigerator, fuck THAT!
The egg finally got the hint when I spent the entire duration of time in the bar talking to the 2 girls Dan works with and not even giving her a second glance. Her and the ears eventually left all pissed off (the ears even went as far as to say something about being upset with my actions). After the dust settled from that, we eventually left too. But, of course, nothing's simple. The Guyanese girl, of the 2 that worked with Dan, kept looking for her shit. I kept handing it to her, off the couch she was sitting on but she was too drunk to realize this the first few times. Then we're outside and she starts freaking out about her cashmere sweater she lost. On and on this went while hoards of underage Asian kids started bitching they couldn't get into the bar we were just in. Then I said "dude, just walk in," and all of a sudden their tune changed to that they could get in if they wanted but they rather go some place else. I just sat there thinking "What? Didn't you JUST say you wanted to get in there but someone wouldn't let you?" But whatever, that girl was still going off about her cashmere, so I dragged her in the bar and said to look around. We made this pack of Asians sitting at the couches we were sitting at get up. I went to the bartender and told her that this girl was drunk and going on and on about her sweater, bla bla bla. She said to write her name and number on a piece of paper. Of course I didn't know any of this, so I dragged the girl over to the pad of paper, shoved a pen in her hand and told her to write it all out for the bartender.
We left and this girl's drunken tantrum went on to wanting to go home and getting on the wrong train. Romil, Dan and the other girl went after her. I just sat there on the street. I looked at this guy sitting there smoking a cigarette that saw the scene and was like "what was that?" My reply was "alcoholic messes." I finally realized that them taking too long either meant they left me and got on a train or are still down there. I wasn't going to chance it. I went down there to see. Apparently Dan and Romil left me and walked them to the right train and told me to go to so and so of a corner near where we were and catch the train up to the bar Jeff was working at. There was no train. I took a cab by some Rasta who was blasting reggae the whole ride there.
I showed up first to the bar (obviously). I see Jeff and he looks at me and goes "Rumple Minz?" I said "sure" and next thing I know, he's handing me a whisky glass filled with Rumple Minz. Safe to say that totally decimated me later on. Justin met me up, with Dan and Romil following soon after, followed by Scott, Sarah and Ali. It was the usual Black Finn night. An over crowded bar, a fight broke out outside, etc. By the end of the night we were sitting in this booth and I was beat. I also kept staring at this girl I thought was really cute. I couldn't get her attention to save my life. Then again, what was I going to even say? Knowing me, something rude and obnoxious no doubt.
Me, Scott, Sarah and Ali ended up hitting up a cab back to Sarah's car in the Bronx. I dropped my ipod in the cab and we spent the entire ride crawling around looking for it. This was followed by me drunk and angrily saying someone's getting stabbed if I don't get my ipod back, and then finally finding it after I said "FUCK THAT" to the cabbie when he asked for my phone number to call me if he found it (yea, cause you get things back when you lose them in a cab... that's me being sarcastic). Sarah dropped me off at my mom's house and I washed my hands a few times to get all that taxi floor dirt off of me. For some reason I had mascara across my nose too. I'm sure one of the girls yelled at me earlier for doing something that smudged their mascara on me, but whatever.