Great Moments in Ramy History

Once in a while, I come up with some great lies to tell people. Last night's was one of them. How awesome was it? I basically ruined some date going on that consisted of a couple who met on Match.com. Haaaaa!

We were at that fucking hotel in Union Square, um... I forget the name of the hotel, but the bar in it is called "Under Bar" and the hotel is located on the corner of 17th and Park Ave South. Not my cup of tea for drinking there, but we went there cause the bar Dennis wanted to go to had a 10 minute wait and I am not one to wait on lines. I think the funniest part was, Romil gave me his nice gloves and I kept yelling how I am not wearing dead animals on my hands to get into a club, to make a scene. Ontop of that, it was fucking hilarious that Dennis and Romil were so drunk that they thought putting nice gloves on me was gonna negate the fact I was wearing my dirty old jacket, combat pants, and a Samhain hoodie under the jacket. Oh, and I was wearing my dirty-ass Vans (which reminds me, time to buy some new every day sneakers).

ANYWAY, I digressed the fuck out of this story already.

So, we get to Under Bar, i am yelling that I don't wanna be there and just wanna go back to Union Bar (seriously, over crowded hotel bar vs bar with hot bartenders who give us discounted to free drinks? There should be no question as to who wins that fight. It's like tying a child to a pole and pummeling him with blunt objects and calling it fair fight). But yea, Dennis and Romil were not giving in to my arguments (more like whiney bitching) that we should go back to Union Bar and that it was stupid to have left that bar. After the first bout of yells, I tell Dennis to get me a drink. Around this time, one couple sees me and the girl is like "what are you yelling about? How can you yell at your friend like that?" I go him... he's um... my publicist... and a bad one at that!" I then go off on how my imaginary book has been delayed repeatedly, my advertising deals with companies falted, etc etc. Suddenly, the girl seemed more interested in me than her date it seemed. The guy, at one point, tried calling my bluff by asking if I'm a writer, what books have I had published. Quick thinking lead to me saying something like "Oh, well, I have published many short pieces in various publications across Manhattan, but this book is to be my first full-on book." I just know he was saying touché in his head. At one point, I grabbed Dennis to the side, and said "you're my fucking publicist. I have a book coming out. If you talk to them, tell them some cockamaimy story about how this fake book is being postponed over and over again and I'm gonna say it's all your falt and so on and so forth." He's like "I like where this is going, this is a good one. Why haven't we used this yet to pick up women?" I'm like "we're doing it now, you're on. It's publicist mode now for you."

Later on, the girl stepped away from the guy she was with, grabbed me to come closer to her, asked me if I smoked, and then when I said yes, dragged me outside and starts telling me about how she's on a second date with this guy. She can't stand him. How he is beyond lame, and all he has going for him is he dresses well (earlier in the conversation with the couple I said something about how I prefer to dress like a vagabond than dress nice and my "publicist" was complaining about the way I dressed).

After making a scene in the bathroom and running out before staff and hotel guests alike came after me with pitchfork and torch, I ran to Romil who told me we were gonna leave and try to get back into this other bar Dennis wanted to go to. The girl asked me who Romil was. I told her "uh, my lawyer. We need to talk over business so I invited him out." AS I was leaving, and saying goodbye, I told them I was scheduled to make another appearance at a bar down the street.

Getting into THAT bar included Dennis and Romil trying to convince me wearing Romil's gloves is what was going to get me into the bar. Yes, giant padded leather gloves are like the golden ticket to Willy Wonka's Factory. You know what got me in? Me being a wiseass and saying some stupid shit that I was already in the bar and came out for a smoke.

Thinking back, while I was on this roll of rolls, I should have came up with a good name. Scott and I are good at coming up with stupid names (if you haven't been able to tell by the past blogs with fake names we give to girls or for sign up sheets and such at bars, we also like to list fake, funny names when really bored, to remember for later).

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have been feeling nauseous all morning and am waiting for everyone to leave the office so I can puke my brains out in peace. With all this nausea lately, I'm starting to think I'm pregnant. ugh, and I already puked in my mouth once today. It's not gonna be pretty once these people get out of here finally.