What happened? About 2 or so hours into us sitting around waiting for a tow truck, Scott put it best. "This is like Pee-Wee's Big Adventure where he wakes up and the fortune for the day says "do not go outside," and he just shrugs it off and goes out anyway. Yea. What happened? Well, let's see. The whole day consisted of me taking full advantage of my day off. In reality, all I did was lay there like an animal you find dying on the side of the road and switching it up between watching horrible television and playing Call of Duty.
Eventually, Scott got back to me about wanting to go out cause he got tired of waiting for a response to his plans. Ian also called and said he wanted to hang out. Among trying to figure a plan out with Scott, we came up with "THE WHEEL OF ALCOHOLISM!" Basially it's a like the wheel from the wheel of fortune, but instead of money, it's gonna be bars we always go to. It's gonna be for those nights, like last night, where we can't decide where to go. We ended up deciding to go to the Stumble Inn cause we never been in there since they changed Moe's Carribian into that place and wanted to check it out (also since we haven't been in that neck of the woods in a whiles). But yea, NONE of our plans went into action last night. We got to Ian's, picked him up, hopped on the West Side highway and I passed the exit for 79th street. Scott pointed it out to me, and I said to shut up. I turned around at 56th street and got back on the Westside highway. As I'm coming up to pass the onramp right before the offramp for 79th street, I notice this car is NOT stopping at the stop sign before getting on the highway. No, he did not have any sense of caring that a car going 60+ miles per hour (knowing me, probably closer to mid to high 70s) was barreling down at him. I slammed on the breaks and started honking as my ABS kicked in. Well, it had to work over time cause while skidding to avoid hitting the guy who cut me off, I hit a patch of black ice and KEPT skidding even farther. To add insult to what I thought was inevitable injury was that this MORON started slowing down, meaning I was still flying into him and instead of speeding up like he should have done in the first place if he was gonna jump out in front of me, he slowed down to make it more probable that I'd hit him.
Eventually, I got around this guy and veered off onto the off ramp for 79th street. As I hit the breaks to slow down around the bend, I realized a lack of break pressure and that we were NOT slowing down AT ALL. I calmly say to Scott and Ian, "I have no breaks... I. Have. NO. Breaks. Dude... the breaks aren't working." Scott and Ian kinda look at each othere not thinking it was too serious until I slammed on the parking break and it was not slowing us down in time to not go through the stop sign into traffic. Even worse, the after barreling through that stop sign with Scott, Ian and I now freaking out bad, we realized we were propper fucked when we had to blow through a light where a busy Riverside drive was the cross street, us 3 embracing for impact into a car from one of the 3 directions ahead of us. We ended up going up the hill on 79th street and I pulled the car over after some car almost hit us, honking wildly at us, and threw the car into park as we slowed down going up the hill. The 3 of us just looked at each other, said, "what the fuck?" and then tried to figure out what the hell had happened and how we did not get hit by one oncoming car that entire run the highway to the part of the hill that stopped us (mind you, Manhattan is almost COMPELTELY flat land and the odds of there being a hill are slim to none. I can only imagine how bad of an accident we'd have gotten into had it been a flat straight away after getting off the highway.
Ok, so this is 11pm that this all happened. We all got out of the car and decided to pop the hood to see if there was any break fluid since there was no pressure on the break. There was NONE. I made Scott ask the doorman at the building we were parked in front of if he knew where to get break fluid as I had Ian looking up places on his cell phone to call and see if they had any either. After Scott wandering the local streets and Ian failing at finding a place near by, the two of them hopped a cab to some mechanic up in the high 90s on broadway. Apparently they dealt with the worst salesman ever. They asked the guy for 2 bottles of break fluid just to make sure in case there was a leak we'd have a spare bottle to have. The guy goes "nah... I think you just need one." The two of them replied back with something like "we'd feel safer with two. Just give us two bottles, ok?"
They showed up back at the car, I popped the hood, we poured an entire bottle of break fluid into the car. Noticed it was going down a little. Then, we crawled under the car to see a gyser of break fluid streaming like water from a faucet out of the break line. Around this time, I threw my arms in the air and started yelling anger.
I called my mom for the second time. The first time, I tried explaining to her the whole situation to let her know I may need the roadside assistance info. What that turned into was me yelling at her for not listening to me and hanging the phone up on her (yes ladies, and I'm single too). She called the roadside assistance for me, and then called me back complaining how she can't stand dealing with outsourced companies with people who can barely speak English. What happened next? I get a phone call from the roadside company with the same lady saying she got a call saying that I needed a tow. I swear to God, I wanted to murder this woman for not understanding a word I was saying. I'd talk slow, I'd talk loud... I would be punching the roof of my car followed by thrashing in agony at how ridiculous it was that this woman could not get simple instructions down right. I kept telling her I wanted the car towed to this town outside of manhattan in Westchester County. She thought the town's name was the name of the street and I would go "no, it's in New York, the state." She goes "new york city?" Shit like that, over and over as Ian and Scot laughed at me flipping the fuck out.
What happened next was the most mind numbing waiting game ever. Basically the woman with the horrible accent said the tow truck would be there by 2am. From 12 to Well after 3 when the guy finally rolled up was the 3 of us sitting in the car losing our minds. Eventually, we all lost it and were just laughing at the stupidest things. We had all finally snapped. I wish I recorded some of our antics and nonsense conversations, but whatever.
When the guy showed up, Ian hopped in a cab back to his apartment, and Scott and I had the pleasure of riding with this guy, couldn't be that much older than us, blasting whatever was on the radio, as we shook violently whenever the damn thing would go faster than 50 miles per hour (the dude obviously had a fucked tire or a bent axle and would just ignore it as Scott and I felt like our brains were being violently shooken from our skulls). The best part of the guy taking the car back off the flatbed he had? He forgot there was no breaks and almost plowed into some car he tried parking my car behind. I got out of the truck after filling out all this info for him, and see the car is in the middle of the road, sideways. He goes "oops. Forgot about the breaks til the last minute, had to swerve the car.
The fucking towing fee was over 200 bucks, fuck me.
Ontop of that, Scott and I started walking through two til my mom got the two of us. I didn't get home til around 4:30am and usually when that happens, it means it was a long night out drinking. Not last night obviously.
(Feel free to grab some snacks and drinks)
Thursday night. Oh Thursday night. Scott and I were bored, but didn't know what to do. It turned into deciding to go to Down the Hatch. Reasoning? We wanted to see if the girl with giant cans was working. If not, at least there'd be some loose NYU girls probably slutting it up in there. Scott called Mike Dani, Jose and then texted TJ since him and Dennis were in the city already. Mike and Jose declined. and TJ and Dennis said they'd meet us up later.
We showed up and realized all drinks were 3 dollars all night. Looked at each other and Scott said "guess we're not gonna have to worry about spending too much money anyway." LIE! WE both blew about 60 to 80 bucks each (fucking shot after shot is what got us). Highlights. Two of us are sitting at the bar, drinking and talking. This MESS of a girl just shoves herself right between us and shoves us apart. First she starts talking to Scott. Then to me. I really wish I bashed her even more than I started to. Eh, whatever. While she was talking to Scott, I spit my gum out onto the bar table top. I then placed it on a beer coaster and kept trying to slide it under her arm or hand while Scott kept her distracted by keeping the inane convo going. Eventually, I started taking lemon and lime slices and placing them about her. The bartender saw this and took everything off the table when I left for the bathroom at one point. The best was, I guess around the time I was in the bathroom, one of the bartenders asked Scott if he knew this girl. Scott's reply was a very violent headshaking to imply his answer was a "no". The girl would not go away til I started saying something along the lines of her being a rude disgusting person and between that and Scott's ignoring her, she realized she was not welcome near us.
Oh, lets see what else there was. Two SLUTS at the opposite end of the bar. One kept making eye contact with me. Everytime we'd both go outside for a cigarette, I'd try and stike up a convo with her but someone WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE! First time it was a bum. I started telling him I'm broke and started walking away and he asked me for money. I turn to him, put my hood up on my head, and go "it's fucking cold and I don't have health insurance, so this is what I do to avoid getting sick and paying doctors bills." he goes "... so can I have a dollar?" I go "NO!" Another time, this guy starts going off on Italians and I get heated into the convo. One guy was half Italian and half Chinese. Once I was informed of this, I kept calling him Chi-talian. Around this time, TJ and Dennis showed up too, so I kinda veered off to say what's up to them. TJ had a stuffed dog that he won at this new Carnival bar somewhere near Union Square. We ended up talking to two girls outside the bar before even entering. I don't remember how the convo started but I do recall telling the story about how I made a college review guy think I was half black/hispanic to get into the college and it totally worked somehow.
Later on we went inside and TJ handed off the stuffed dog to me. That is when I put it up on my shoulder like a shoulder wrap and evntually put it atop my head and walked around the bar wearing this stuffed dog like a hat. People kept coming up to me and asking what the hell I had on my head, girls were cheersing me their drinks, etc. Eventually TJ grabbed the dog before going over to a table of girls to talk to them as Scott and I sat there laughing at this woman I kept screaming "BIG BIRD!" at. Sweet anola gay! She had this giant, over permed, over bleached buffont. Way too tight jeans that were going up her anus. Oh, and her face? Imagine taking a beat face, putting saran wrap over it, and then blow drying it to ceal it to ones face. Yea, that kinda ugly.
Eventually, TJ and Dennis headed for home and Mike Dani showed up after he changed his mind about meeting us up. The 3 of us just drank and drank and finally I got to talking to one of the sluts from across the bar. First convo didn't go off as planned and blew up in my face. Second one, I learn she was older than me by 3 years and looked hot as shit and not showing any signs of withering away anytime soon. Of course, as soon as I get in good with her, some douchebag she knows comes out and cock blocks me to no end til I get fed up with being a douche right back to him.
Eventually we left and had the fat feast. Me, Scott and Mike went to Papaya Dog. Scott got what I'm gonna have to start refering to as "the usual feast", then he said he was still hungry, and Mike said he refused to let me go anywhere near my car til I ate a little more to sober up. So, Scott threw me a 20 and told me to go grab a pie from Joe's. Scott waited around the corner while I ordered the pie. Right before I left, I shoved a glass salt shaker onto the floor, causing glass shards and salt to go everywhere. The entire staff looked at me, one started yelling. I grinned like an idiot and ran out, box of pizza in hand laughing like an idiot.
The reason Scott does this now when we get Joe's pizza dates back to about 2 years ago around October/November when John came from New Mexico to visit. We went to Joe's to get pizza. The guy serving us was a total dick to Scott and John. John asked for meatballs on his pizza. Scott asked for a plain. John got a plain slice and Scott got a Mozzerella slice. When they asked what the fuck was up, the guy shrugged his shoulders and was like "no special orders." Scott, in a rage, storms out of Joe's, goes to the curb, grabbed a big wet smelly full garbage bag, walks back to the entrance of the store, opens the door, and then proceeded to launch the garbage bag at the employees. I was not aware of the whole situation or how bad it was until Scott, John, Jose and whoever else was out with us all booked it down the street and I sat there, lighting up a cigarette, clueless, until I heard John go "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING STANDING THERE? RUN!"
So yea, that's about it. The ride home consisted of us 2 stuffing pizza in our mouths as we drove down the FDR and 87 to get back home, blasting Lady Gaga and screaming like assholes the entire ride home.
To sum it up nicely, Merideth questioned one of Scott's post on twitter regarding that night that said: "I've had enough pizza and lady gaga to shake a stick at... "
When questioned about this by her, his response was: "It was a regular maelstrom of dude dancing in the car on the ride home." I think it can go without saying she did not reply back to him up until this afternoon once she recieved THAT text.
So yea, Lord only knows what insanity await tonight for Mr Mike DeLisi's birthday party tonight. We're supposed to go bar hopping all the dive bars up and down St Marks street. Knowing me, I'll end up wandering down to Crif Dogs and/or Nino's Pizza... possibly end up storming Jared and Desiree's apartment the block over like I'm the Spanish Inquisition. Who knows.
Oh, and how can I forget, after a sure to be long painful day at work Sunday morning, I am going to catch H2O for their 15th Anniversary show at the Knitting Factory (which apparently moved out to Brooklyn now) for this 250 only admittance, no barricades, show. Shit is gonna be OFF-THE-FUCKING-WALL!
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