Memorial Doomsday Weekend/Kyle's Birthday

Monday: Wake up. Play a few rounds of Call of Duty with Scott and Eddie on xbox live. JV comes in my room and tells me we're leaving for Loki's in a little bit and to stop playing video games. Eventually make it to Loki's and am presented with ridiculous amounts of food:

And, enough booze to kill a room full of livers: 

Shit like "DAS BOOT" drinking competitions happened:

Chris took it like a champ (then again, it is his boot, so i'm sure he knows how to chug from it like a champ).

The day went on like this. I didn't eat all day. Just drank. Well, I had some potato chips and around 2am when everyone but Brian and Dimitri were gone, I had a vegan corn dog. I passed out on Loki's couch. was awoken at 10am to Loki telling me to wake up and that he'd take me home. I fucking forgot my veggie burgers and corn dogs there. This is the second time I left all my food at his house. But, whatever. I came home and slept til close to 2pm, or whenever Scott rolled up to my apartment. We watched stupid shit on newgrounds.com til we had to leave for the train. We got down to the city and kept seeing WEIRD SHIT/PEOPLE. This ghetto ass couple was arguing over lord knows what and we kept laughing at them. The dude's reply to the woman was repeatedly singing "the freaks come out at niiiight."Then leaving that scenario, two older women just kept hysterically laughing their asses off. This went on for almost 2 blocks before we got onto the N train to Union Square. While waiting to meet up Kyle outside that zoo of a McDonalds, there we found the unibomber. Unfortunately, I think he realized me and Scott were laughing our asses off at his ridiculous getup (look at those haggard pants) and  he wouldn't turn back around to face us, so this is all I could come up with of a picture of him:

We ended up eating at Heartland Brewery. I had this crazy good salad/veggie thingie. It was like 2 patties of falafel with a salad, beans, peas, and this kicking hot sauce dressing. We eventually left and went straight to down the hatch because the band Kyle wanted to see playing a free show in Union Square never happened and Dan kept texting calling us assholes for making him sit there by himself for like an hour or two to drink by himself and be bitter.

The night got interesting. The two females that worked the bar last night had tits the size of ethiopia. beer flowed like wine. I ended up staggering around the bar wearing a tiara that read "bitch" across the top (which I snagged from Arielle's friend who was also celebrating her birthday last night), picture below:

Yea, that was quite the conversation piece. Well, the more sane one. I don't think people would've liked it if I just whipped out big ol' Mr Knish and started waving it at people. These 3 girls sat down next to us at one point. Dan decided to ask all of us which of the 3 we'd fuck, and to point em out. One of the 3 girls came over finally and asked "may I ask why you are all pointing at us?" Dan goes "well, we're deciding on which of the 3 of you we'd fuck if we had to." I never seen a girl more disgusted in such a short period of time as this girl. Her face went sour, and she scooted far away from us quickly. This turned into her telling her other 2 friends getting up and leaving, or at least moving farther away from us. Another 3 girls sat down in their place. These 3 seemed cooler. What's funny is some guy who looked like Will.I.Am and his marine friend came up to the girls and something happened or was said, cause next thing I know, the small asian one is getting up, standing on the bench at the table, screaming and trying to throw fists at the guy. It kept getting more and more heated to the point where her friends were dragging her back down to stop. This went on for a while. When it was over, Me, Dan, Kyle, Scott and Jose all raised our beer mugs in the air at the girl and cheered her. The remainder of the time we shared a table with them was spent saying how the small asian girl's craziness was a turn on and how we wanted to motor boat the hot one in the white shirt with the tits. 

Eventually, I ran into Arielle and her friend. The two of them and the rest of their party all huddled around the table we were at. Debauchery was in full swing at this point. (that's how I got the "bitch" tiara). The rest of the night was just heavy drinking. We left for Off the Wagon, thinking we were gonna meet up Arielle and her friends there after we all left Down the Hatch. They ended up going to Karaoke and we just got drunk and eventually left. But, not before Kyle threw shot glasses, Scott kept cursing at some girl calling her fat and calling some navy dude a douche bag repeatedly, while I kept screaming "ELLEN DEGENERES" at some other girl. We left. Dan was MIA (all I have as an idea of where he went off to was a text proclaiming "YATAGAN!!!" and the fact he kept saying how he wanted a gyro from there throughout the entire night). Me, Scott, Jose and Kyle went to Joe's pizza. This turned into a psudo battle royal. Kyle throwing garbage bags, Scott tackling us into the street, all of us kicking shit... etc.

We got to Joe's pizza and ordered a pie for me and Scott and a sausage slice for Kyle. This turned into a big messy ordeal cause Scott was too drunk to get money out of the ATM and I had to pay for everything. odd looks were given as Scott and I wolfed down an entire pie on the A train to Penn station. 

When we got to Penn we first were harassed by a bum who kept following us around as we looked for a train to Secaucus. Scott kept cursing her out and telling her "STOP FOLLOWING US! WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY FOR US!" She ended up finding us again after I deliberately walked around to ignore her and kept telling us how mean we were. My response "yea, that's fucking great, go away." Eventually we found a train to Secaucus... that would be the last train we took til 9:05 the next morning. Why? We missed the transfer in Secaucus to my house. First, we walked around while I smoked a Dominican cigar Scott bought for Romil when he was on his cruise last week with Sarah. Photo below:

Next, we sat there for God knows how long running through the scenarios we could have went through to in order to get back to my house. Eventually, we opted the best idea would be to try and catch the first train out of that hell hole and just sleep til then. Well, a bathroom break was involved around this time too where Scott drunkenly drop kicked the stall door open as I was doing my business and I just sat there laughing my ass off at the fact he seriously just kicked the door to the point where the lock busted open and he ran out laughing his ass off. We then gathered our thoughts and figured that since we thought the first train in our direction would be ending in Suffern (a town not too far away from my house) that a train to my house would follow suit shortly after. This is what happened. We both rolled up into balls and slept on this bench:

This went on until Scott and I kept having kicking matches in our sleep for dominance over the bench. Apparently sometime shortly after being stared at by janitors and what have you, and I'm sure me kicking repeatedly for more space on the bench, Scott got up, went across the train station and slept on the floor across the room from me. This was short lived because a cop and the guy running the floor at that time hovered over Scott until he woke up. Apparently the cop asked him "what the hell are you doing?" and Scott replied with something like "waiting." The cop asked back "waiting for what?" He said "my friend," and the cop then pointed me out on the bench and asked if I was his friend, the one passed out face first on the bench. He then waved me over and I got over, excuse me, STAGGERED over, and then talked to the cop about our situation and how we missed the last train. he then asked where we were headed and I was then informed that the next train out wouldn't be til 9:05am and that we couldn't sleep in the train station, but would have to go outside to the platform and wait, but couldn't sleep. What did we do? We found a room with benches on the platform, rolled up into balls, and continued to try and sleep til 9am... waking up every few minutes cursing our horrible luck and lack of sleep we were having:

The weird stares I kept waking up to. People going "are they homeless?" We sure came off as such with pizza sauce stains all over our shirts and the fact we smelt like rot and disease. Eventually, we woke up 20 minutes before the train came, went to the bathroom, and cursed everyone as they were going to work and we were still just trying to find a way home from the bars the night prior. In the bathroom, waiting for Scott to finish taking the worlds longest piss, I realized what the no smoking laws actually read:

legally, you are considered a "petty disorderly person." Haa. 

Anyway, back to the bullshit which is Scott and I's life. We got on the train. The conductor just stared at our tickets. I figured he was gonna tell us we needed to pay more for a on-peak ticket (we had off peak tickets that we planned on using at the last train home).. But yea, the dude tells us "you do realize that this train is an express train, right?" I asked "does that mean I'll get home faster? He told me the train skips my stop, as well as a few other ones near my stop. They told us to get off the train in River Edge and bus it back home. Easy enough, no? The first bus we tried to catch waited there til we got to the door after running after it and the fucking cunt shut the door in my face as I got to it. I then began to just curse as we sat there feeling like shit at the bus stop waiting for another one. I kept cursing how I didn't wanna be on a bus full of nothing but schnooks and degenerates. Oh lord were they the worst kind of people. Nasty, falling all on themselves, just horrible. We got off at the train station in town and walked til we got to my house. Then we just died a little more inside sitting in my kitchen trying to recuperate and try to remember where the night went wrong.

FightTheBox.com and Other Medicre Ambitions

So, this week has been long and filled with Mr Pete, the Palisades mall, Carnivore/Type O Negative, Gin, Vodka and the first 2 seasons of 30 Rock on dvd.

First of all, when you see this in closed quarters:

Cover your balls. He fucking ran like this at me as usual, but he head butted me right in the nuts. Not a good feeling to say the least.

Other highlights include Thursday morning. What about Thursday morning, you ask? As I was letting him out for his morning romp around the backyard, I see not one, but two, cyotes run out of the woods. They start walking towards Mr Pete and I freaked out. What did I do? I ran outside clapping my hands together obnoxiously and started barking like a dog to scare them away. Yea, sober, sane people do these things. Of course Mr Pete thought he was being playful and starts galloping after them as they ran off back into the woods and I had to run after him and tackle him in fear of him getting some kinda rabies or something.

If you haven't talked to me much this week, I've basically summed up my week with Mr Pete as "Turner and Hooch, minus the gunplay." Pete, much like hooch, is a giant obnoxiously dim witted dog that is loveable to a degree. The love stops at the incessant drooling, the fact he can knock down a door, and the other fact that despite the fact Sarah doesn't like him on the furniture, he's been basically figuring I'm a pushover and will just bellyflop on me as I'm laying on bed (and I catch him sleeping on the bed whenever I come out of the shower, and he tries to hide from me by laying down on his stomach and hiding his head).

...Did I give him a treat before I left for work this morning? Yea, I think I did.

Anyway, yea. my evnings the past few nights have consisted of watching 30 rock dvds and fighting with pete to stay off the bed, until I realize I just wanna watch tv and am too lazy to repeatedly try to drag him off the bed. Whatever, sarah is gonna probably burn the bed sheets because I touched them.

Oh, and have I mentioned I never met a dog whose ass can top mine? I never met a dog with so much gas. He really puts me to shame at times. Mr Pete has the worse case of Alpo farts I've ever had to endure (Alpo farts is a term my mom coined back in the day to describe bad dog farts... yea, my family is the cast of characters for a loony Tunes cartoon). But seriously, I had to stick my fucking head under the covers for a good minute or two the other night cause Pete's ass was so vile and he wouldn't stop farting. But, I dunno think anything will beat yesterday. I was sitting there eating Chinese food and he was just staring at me, waiting and hoping for me to give him some of it for him to eat. As I turn to look at him, I was about to say "go away pete," but his ass beat me to it. He farted so bad, it sounded like a gatling gun. I didn't know dogs could fart like that until last night. Definitely not something you want to hear/smell while eating.

But anyway, onto the drunken debautchery of last night. While eating, I decided to spike my ice tea with vodka scott and sarah left me. By the time Loki and Cash showed up to pick me up, I was already just pounding Vodka straight from the bottle because I didn't have any mixers. I'm told by Loki that I have problems because I do things like this. Little does he know I stopped myself from bringing the bottle into the shower with me to chug from as I bath. (oh, and Scott, if you're reading this, note the fact that unlike you, I make useful words out of Sarah's hair on the shower wall... yes, that does, or did, say "SLAYER" in Sarah's hair on the wall... maybe I do need mental help).

Anyway, yea. we pounded a drink and then headed to this place in Suffern called New Rock, around the corner from where we used to always go drink at before they shut it down for an indefinite hiatus. The place was kinda swanky and has bands play there. Last night was some awul band called 8th Grade Science Class (or something along those lines of stupidity). It was 4 old guys who were getting drunk at the bar and some woman that looked like a hagard Stevie Nicks. I couldn't even tell you what the hell they played because I blocked them out. Yea, I wasn't even in the mood to make fun of them, that's how much I ignored the music they were playing.

Stathi got us BOMBED.

You know who else got bombed? Whoever left this in the sink:

Gross, right? (if you couldn't figure it out, that's vom... as in VOMIT).

Even Grosser:

Yea, nothing like watering down the vomit.


Yea, so um... we got drunk. Read my twitter updates to see the nonsense that happened that I cant remember. Cash fell asleep in Loki's car early in the night. Well, not really that early, but still. The night ended with Loki and I singing along to Type O Negative while speeding like lunatics down the highway and I believe I passed out eating whatever left over Chinese food I had from dinner.


I woke up this morning to a text from Romil after 9... making me realize I was late to work. I ran aroudn the house, feeding the dog, walking him, getting dressed (did I not brush my teeth this morning? Ewe, I think I forgot to. Wait, no I vaguely recall brushing).


Anyway, yea.


I went to the bathroom to check how I looked when I literally stumbled into the office earlier today. Not a pretty sight:

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to do research for a website Loki and I need to get to work (ok, I doubt it'll happen, but just to buy it as a joke would be funny).

Day 3 of Mr Pete and I, and of work

So, yesterday was not that fun, but nothing seems like fun to me anymore. Spent the whole day, like the last 2 days, getting lip from this guy who I can only describe as a bitter, cheap bastard version of the 40 year old virgin. So, who was I to inform him that the parking lot he just spent enough quarters in the meter for 2 hours parked in a spot that was going to be ticketed because of morning alternate side parking. I sat there with a grin after he said he has 2 hours in the meter and then proceeded to make sarcastic comments about my appearance (saying I never shave or wear a tie.. which i find funny, cause i've seen assholes roll in with dirty polo shirts and shit). But, watching that schiesty bastard flip a shit over a 15 dollar parking ticket was all worth the while.

I stopped at my mother's to get the beard trimmer I have there because I needed something to use to shave and I'm not using one of sarah's razors (ugh) and I'm definitely not going out and buying a razor when I have perfectly good ones at my place in Jersey.

When I got back to the house to take care of Mr. Pete, it resulted in me having to keep a close eye on him (because earlier that morning, I was running after him with my pants faling down cause he decided to book it into the street after I let him out into the backyard as i was getting dressed). This was followed by him thinking I was playful while talking to numerous people on the phone. I now look like a while animal mauled me because I have scratch marks all over my arms, legs and hips. You know, this would probably be hot if a woman gave me these scratches and not an hulking pit bull. I had to cage him to take a shower and then get chewed out by my mother telling me how much of a bum I am over the phone as usual.

Once again I went to the mall. Why? Because I was bored and starving and didn't know what to eat, so I figured i'd wander around the food court til I got fed up with those annoying asians asking "m'elp you?" and "fui sampul?" That usually takes all of 2 seconds before I blow up at one of them... especially that one who repeatedly tries to give me fliers for the all you can eat buffett that I'm sure serves nothing but raccoon meats and deer hooves.

I feel like a werido or a fat person with no friends eating by myself at the mall, but it's either that, or get harassed the fuck out by the dog if I bring food back to the house. Whatever. I get to eat and then roam the mall and look for cheap shit to buy. I discovered yesterday that Target has the Incredible Hulk on Blu Ray for 15 bucks, where as Best Buy wants 30 bucks for some reason. Maybe the Best Buy version has more shit on it or an extra disk? Who knows. For $22.55 I got that on blu ray and 2 pairs of argyle socks (since it's apparently unprofessional to wear socks that look like they were owned by a clown to work). leaving the mall, I realized there's a karaoke booth that films you singing behind a green screen. At first I thought it was just some booth showing videos of people being idiots, then upon walking by, I realized it's actual people in the booths singing HORRIBLY. After seeing that atrocity and just being a dick to some girl who tried selling me whatever shit her kiosk was selling, I left the mall.

I headed back home to let Pete out again and piss and poop out his dinner I fed to him before I went out to the mall... again. What I thought might just be him sitting around tired for the rest of the evening turned into me wanting to watch the 30 Rock dvds I bought while simutaniously wrestling him off the bed. Eventually, I got fed up and below is a picture of him headbutting me in the mid section so he has leverage to lay down while hitting my right hand with his paw to keep my hand down from grabbing his collar. (Yea, I need photo evidence to show he put up a fight if Sarah asks why furniture smells like Mr. Pete).



I was up til maybe 1am watching dvds and then passed the fuck out, only to wake up to this dog, waking me up AGAIN at 6 in the morning. I'm starting to have the feeling it's rather moot to set my alarm to 7am to walk him because for the past 2 mornings, he's been waking me up at 6am, whining like a little bitch.

ugh. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to throwing out tons of paper and printing up shit on paper that can easily be accessed from any computer. My boss is so paranoid about everything. She thinks the internet is going to crash and we're gonna lose sales because we don't have access to information, so I have to print thousands of pages up and then throw them out a few weeks later when they're no good and print more up. Because of this Swine Flu paranoia, there is a "scented" hand sanitizer bottle every other desk in this office (the "scents" claim they are aloe or lavender... to me, they both smell like bunk tequila that's been sitting in the sun for too long). Good thing I cough on everyone's shit whenever I have a cold and am alone in the office. God, I need a new job.

Day One With Mr Pete/Second Night Out With Kyle in Brooklyn

If you don't know who Mr. Pete is, it's Sarah's dog. Her and Scott are on a cruise and I am dog-sitting. Why? Becuase I'm apparently the only one who gets along with her dog who is also capable of taking care of him for the week. Pain in the ass is, I also am working for 9 days in a row. Today is day 2 of what is going to be hell for me, work wise. Dog wise, I dunno.

(Stock photo of Mr. Pete)

As you can see, he's a giant mongo. I came home from work yesterday to let him out so he could piss and shit. I didn't know his regiment, nor did I know any magic words to whisper sweet nothings of to get him to do #2. (I was then informed he only does it once or twice a day... he didn't do any this morning, so I better not come home to a nice monument waiting for me when I go to take him out after work today). But yea, yesterday turned into he and I just blankly staring at each other after i gave up trying to get him to do anything. Then I went inside with him. This turned into a royal rumble of the ages. See, Sarah doesn't like him sitting on the furniture. What does he automatically do? Test to see if I'll let him lay on things. This turned into a half an hour brawl of me fighting to drag him off the bed. Then when I thought I could lay down and watch tv, I figured he was up to no good. He found a spot on a couch not covered in any form of spikey mat (yea, I dont know what the technical term is for one of those things, but it's a spiked plastic mat of sorts that you put on things so animals don't want to go on them because they'd then get spiked.... I on the other hand have once gotten so drunk I fell asleep on the couch while it was still covered in one of these things and didn't mind or care).

Anyway, so after a while of laying there after work, in a half dead state, i decided to go meet up Kyle for dinner and drinks. I walked pete (read that as I had him run around the yard and piss a lot) then caged him for the night in his "house" or whatever it is Sarah calls it.

I got down to Brooklyn eventually and met Kyle up for some pretty damn fine sushi. I can't remember where, but it was on or right off of Nassau Ave. I ordered the vegitable sushi special. There was like 6 regular sushi rolls of avecado or cucumber (or maybe both) and then there was this shit that was like cubes of rice with rather large slices of vegitables placed atop the rice and then wrapped together with seaweed. The tofu ones were fucking great... and I'm making myself hungrier than I already am (I didn't eat lunch and have been sitting here debating on weather to just go across the street and order a veggie burger or sit here and rot and eventually try and make something out of the disgusting shit in the office kitchen. Or, then there's option 3 which is grab something small to hold me over when I go to my mother's to pick up some clothes and then go to the mall after I walk pete and FUCKING DESTROY (and by that, I mean just order ridiculous amounts of food and get fat).

But, I digressed somewhere in that rant, while walking back to Kyle's apartment, we noticed puddle after puddle of puke. If you follow me on twitter (God, I feel like a hump for saying that), you'd realize I also mentioned that this was discovered well before the clock even struck 10pm.

Fast forward to us going out. We hit this one bar right around the corner from him. We drank tecate and shots of jameson. I think it was 12 bucks each for the beer and the shot. Not bad. Then after 2 rounds and realizing it was kinda difficult to hit on any of the girls in there due to them being alone and us knowing we'd come off as creeps if we were to just walk over and, well, look creepy no matter what trying to hit on them.

We then left for this place called Pool or something like that. This is the bar, where last Saturday I mentioned I saw a gay Irish pirate, Hunter S Thompson and a caveman. Last night was more of that bizarre wackiness. Last night, I saw a girl dressed as the Hamburgler (ok, she wasn't in costume. It was just that her clothes were so hideous and the pattern of her dress/shirt/whatever the hell you call that shit she was wearing matched that of an old prison inmate's and her hat was just big and obnoxious like the Hamburgler's). The other bizarre getup was the guy I refered to as a walking cut open watermelon. I say this because he was wearing this fucking pinkish red tanktop with black poka dots about it. Yea... looked kinda like a watermelon slice. His pants and jacket were redic too. I recall his jacket that he tied around his waist resembling a light blue version of the jacket Mickey Rourke as the Ram picks out for his daughter in that thrift store scene. You know, the hideous one that he realizes was not a good choice and tells the daughter it wasn't her real gift? Eh, you didn't see that movie? You suck.

Anyway, we somehow hit it off with 2 girls cause while they were near us, they asked some guy to take a picture of the two of them together at the bar. The guy then apparently said no and that he'd do it if he could take a picture with one of the girls. The one he asked said no, and he stormed off like a baby. Kyle kinda butted in asking what that was all about and then it took off from there for a short while. I really can't recall any of the conversation held between any of us other than a snide remark here or there from yours truely.

Eventually, I had to piss, BAD. Of course, this is me we're talking about so with my luck, it goes without saying that I imagine there's been shorter lines during the great depression than there was for the line to the bathroom last night. By the time I was on deck to piss, I was sure I was just gonna pee my pants. As a girl is leaving one of the bathroom, mini rooms, I just bust in seconds after she opens the door. As I'm grabbing my belt and fly to rip off and open, I look down and see the toilet seat is down.. and covered in piss. I turn around and look at the girl as I'm closing the door behind me with a face of confusion and disgust. I then slam the door shut as I'm beginning to piss. Ecstacy to say the least. To paraphrase Justin from Most Precious Blood, taking a piss that you held in too long is apparently like taking a really good shot of herion. I was heroin chic in that fucking stall. While pissing I found some interesting writings on the wall (ok, only one was interesting, the rest were just stupid tags and "pissed here" scribbled under it, and so forth). But yea, I started laughing as I was pissing at this one:

I dunno why, but the term "transexual dinosaurs" really gets me to laugh.

Anyway, I came back and Kyle went off to get some beers and so did the girls I suppose, or maybe they went to piss? Who knows. All I know is as Kyle went inside to the bar as it began to drizzle. Ironically, I said something to the extent of "i've made girls cry more than this rain." I light a cigarette and then it started raining heavier (my luck). A lot of people ran inside and I just sat there with my hoodie up. Kyle came back, but the girls never did. Figures. We drank a little more. Kyle bumped into the big baby who stormed off earlier about not being able to take a picture with one of the girls. He kept bumping into Kyle like an asshole and Kyle just kept shoving him til he went away. Eventually we left and went to this place called Matchless.

Matchless was pretty cool place. We ate amazing onion rings that tasted like french fries as we sat there drinking beer and listening to late 80s metal songs. Good times. Nothing like getting your drink on to Slayer and Pantera. I would have prefered for some girl to get up on the bar and be a slut as Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" came on, but that isn't gonna happen any more ever since Tiffany stopped working at Hudson's (and Hudson's being closed down doesn't help much in that effect either).

Eventually Kyle and I left to head home. We split when we got to his street. Me going to Sarah's car I have been using since she's not home (don't worry, she knows I am using it while she's gone) and Kyle went off in the opposite direction to his place. As I was walking back to the car I noticed this jacked up Ford F-150 had its motor running. As I was walking up on it I didn't see anyone in it. I dunno why, maybe my devient behavior tempting myself to jack the truck or something, but I looked in and see a half naked q-ball headed not so built dude ontop of some girl getting all hot and heavy. I can't even describe the girl to you because the guy's mass was covering her to my angle of vision. That and I didn't look for more than a few seconds out of disgust.

I jumped into the car and headed back to Sarah's. When I finally got there I went to take Mr. Pete out for one last run and piss. He didn't wanna go outside cause of the drizzle and I had to drag him outside cause I was not gonna let him stay in the whole night and wake up to the smell of urine. After dragging him outside and getting him to piss, I let him back inside. I went to change into something to sleep and brush my teeth. As I go back into the room, I hopped into bed to lay down and see what was on tv (apparently nothing is on when you only have basic channels like 2, 4, 5, 7, 11, etc). I figured I'd watch a movie and let the dog have some free time out of his cage before I put him back into his cage to sleep. I was about to go pop a dvd in that I brought with me when Pete comes charging me and belly flops onto me on the bed. Round 2 of wrestling him off furniture commenced. It was a lot harder with booze and exhaustion in my system. Ok, mainly the exhaustion part made it difficult. I basically had to pick him up and carry him to his cage and shut him in. I then watched the end half of role models (basically cause every time I try watching that movie, I never get to catch the end... and I fucking bought it on dvd because of this problem).

I ended up passing out eventually and waking up to my alarms I forgot I set for the crack of dawn to walk the dog, feed him and then another to get ready for work today. Tonight is just gonna be LA-ZY. I intend on getting clothes from my mom's for work, going to walk Pete, putting this frontline medicine on him that Sarah wanted me to put on him today, maybe laying there for a moment hating how I tortue myself with no sleep, and then go out to the Palisades to get dinner and see if Best Buy has the re-release of Type O Negative's Bloody Kisses album with all that bonus material and see if there's dvds or blu ray disk on that I might want. Then probably wandering off to FYE when I dont find anything and realize FYE is the biggest rip off, storm off, and realize there's nothing else really I want in that mall. Maybe I'll go to the Taget there to laugh at white trash and buy toys cause I am an over grown child.

Oh, Yetti Feet (and Other Tales of Wonderment)

So, as of last night I no longer have upstairs neighbors with the feet of a yeti. No more waking up to loud stomping noises throughout the night (or day for that matter). No more waking up to screams of the boyfriend yelling "You wake me up to punch me in the face? Why do I deserve this?" No more little bastard child running around and screaming. No more sitting there in my room and having to listen to gratuitous sex not caused by me (my ceiling apparently doesn't muffle sounds... hence why I watch movies really loud to retaliate since I don't have hookers on hand to out match them in whore moanings)... and so forth with the no more of this or that. Apparently, from what I gather, the new upstairs neighbor is a single mid to late 20s girl who isn't into "that whole scene anymore" when it comes to raging parties (leading to believe that she's an ex-whore trying to move away from her past or is a fat ugly bitch who no one would wanna party with anyway... or the fat ugly bitch who would get trains run on at frat parties which ended in sexcipades of guys busting out of closets laughing at her while one drunk did her). I'm hoping for the first of my 3 situations it might be. Then my twitter account might turn into something more in lieu of Adam Bravin's twitter account.

This blog would be more stock full of chicanery from last night, but last night was kinda lack luster. Hell, my nights out have been kinda lack luster lately. I'm on a dry spell of assholeiness and dickery.... wait... that sounds a little fruity if taken out of context. Anyway, yea. It's way too easy to make fun of douche bags wearing affliction t-shirts and ed hardy clothing. (i mean, for starters, the fucking company is called fucking affliction and the people you see at bars wearing that shit basically are an affliction unto society). I will say however that Mike and Mel showed up to meet us up for a little bit and that they came back with a silk tie for me. BUT, not just any tie, a fucking MISFITS tie. They got it at some modern art museum out there's gift shop. I'm shocked and appalled that NYC's modern art museum doesn't have shit like this... or maybe it does. I should ask my sister since she works there... I think?

But yes, let it be known I should never think long islands are a good idea anymore. Not only did I not get a lot of sleep due to waking up every hour or so to a train passing by (I passed out on Sarah's couch last night, trains come by often), but I have been dehydrated and hung over for most of the day. All I've wanted to do all day is eat, sleep and possibly blow a load or two. I got one of those 3 down so far... unfortunately it's neither sleeping or blowing of loads. My evening is looking to be like I wont be getting any sleep and tomorrow will be a repeat of today's agonies given to me. Well, I guess I could sleep under my desk for a little bit, but everyone IS FUCKING ANNOYING today. For instance, this one woman kept calling me. Like 5 TO 6 TIMES! THEN, she comes into the office to ask me the same fucking questions she kept asking over and over on the phone. Not enough, maybe 4 minutes after she left, she comes back and asks me a million other questions while I'm sitting here wanting to kill myself. I could write a whole... I dunno, entertainment thing like a movie, standup routine, cartoon or book on how retarded some people are (read that as how ALL people are). I also love how I tell people "you can't do bla bla bla" and they're like "well, can you just let me?" Yea, ok, I forgot your name is Michael Jackson and you wrote fucking Thriller, right? WELL THEN, FUCK YEA! GO RIGHT ON FUCKING AHEAD YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD CAUSE RULES DON'T APPLY TO YOU (except for that whole child touching thing, come on man. What's wrong with you?). But yea, seriously. I need to find a new job, or some other way of income that doesn't involve me putting out to grotesque and obease women for cash. I believe that would be up there with "things my mother is ashamed of me for and lies to her friends about what I do for a living."

But yea, people are saying this week is supposed to be like a vacation for me. I don't know anyone who calls working 9 days in a row a vacation while having to go back and forth between two counties and checking up on a dog every other minute. I think I should stock up on movies or tv seasons on dvd to keep me well entertained this week so I don't fall asleep every night with a revolver in my mouth. Nevermind, I just saw a girl with a busted face and big british teeth. I think I'm gonna have to pull the trigger and shoot those nightmares out of my head now.

And yea, I dunno where I'm going with any of this. I think I came down with A.D.D. today. I keep zoning out. Well, that and being bombarded with fucking phone calls from more idiots. Seriously, these people need to be made fun of more... and those posters you see in a work environment such as equal pay, motivation and safety. Why isn't this subject matter in standups and comedic shows/movies? Have you seen these things? Have you actually stopped to read them? They were written and designed for the mentally retarded. and not just any kind of mental retardation, we're talking PROFOUND mental retardation. You know, fucking IQs of 20 or below.

But yea, lemme finish this thing up so I can go back to being a lazy bastard and hopefully not get another call from my boss asking if I will have this list of dates in time. Yea, all whopping 5 dates marked down on one list by monday. Real hard (lord I hope none of my co-workers ever read any of this shit. I'd be out on the street and penniless. That, or at the least have to sit through another scream fest aimed at my by my boss like another time I made some smart ass remark about work that got back to my boss from someone).

I'll leave you with this. My toe that I stubbed on thursday is discolored and itchy (attractive, no, ladies?), I will be in Westchester county during the day, rockland at night and Jersey when I realize I forgot to pack enough socks and/or underwear for where I'm staying for the next week. if anyone wants to meet up at the palisades mall or something in that area this week, give me a call. If you don't have my number, you suck.

My Adventures With Kyle in Brooklyn and the Lower East Side/Village

Last night started with me heading down to Brooklyn to hang out with Kyle who is apparently on an extended stay down here for reasons unknown (well, kinda unknown).

The night started out with us getting on the L train in the wrong direction and maybe 5 stops in realizing this. Then the F train wasn't running and we took the E train and walked a few blocks to this place called the Cake Shop. I never been there, but apparently it's got baked goods and records for sale in the front at the bar, there's a back room, and a downstairs with a bar and a stage for bands. Kyle wanted to catch the Mannequin Men cause he heard good things. Apparently he heard wrong, we paid too much for drinks while realizing this and left to head down to Lucy's for some cheap swill and to meet up Jared for a little bit as we set forth a plan for the remainder of the night. This included pbr, gin and shots of jameson.

Standing around outside of Max Fish, some bum approached us offering a magic trick for a dollar. I told him we're broke. Kyle just ignored him. Finally he comes up to us and is like "how about a trick on the house?" I was like "sure." Did the usual "pick a card, any card." of course i noticed he was setting it up so I'd definitely pick the card he wanted me to pick. A trick easy to fool someone piss drunk (or some girl on wine spritzers), but whatever. Iroincally, it was the Joker card. I was tempted to pocket it and run off but wanted to see his stupid trick pan out. that guy was so sloppy, i could catch so many of his not so slight of hand moves. Whatever. He showed me that I picked the Joker card and I walked away. I remeber he tried getting Kyle to pick a card too while Kyle was texting someone but Kyle yelled something at the bum like "I'M WORKING!" I dunno, that made me laugh.

But anyway, Lucy's was the all-star cast of employees. How Lucy isn't dead yet, I don't know. Her daughter and grand-daughter were working there, and so was Marco aka the Denim Reaper. the GILF (granddaughter I'd like to fuck) was being a snobby bitch as usual, but still doesn't mean I wouldn't bang her retarded first chance I will probably never get. Nothing was really going on in Lucy's, Lucy wouldn't turn the volume up on the jukebox for us and there was maybe 1 decent looking girl besides GILF in there. We ended up heading back to Brooklyn to hang out at some bars near where he's staying. First bar was kinda bunk. Highlights included a picture of Morrissy on the mirror behind the bar and the bar tender looking like that dude from Dead or Alive when he had all that wacky long hair. We left there before we even got a drink.

We then went to this other bar, after getting lost for 2 seconds, that my sister showed him on friday when her and her friends showed Kyle around Brooklyn. It wasn't too bad. All I can say for it was good scene, bad services. It took forever to take our orders, but we'd make em like a shot and a beer (or in my case a shot and a gin). To quote Kyle who called me just now "too much Jameson." I saw this girl and was a little flirty with her when ordered a round. She had strawberry blonde hair and a body that looked like it could take a dicking and a half. This went all down hill when I motioned to the loser she was talking to and she brushed me off and ignored me whenever I'd look over at her. Not like I was really putting much effort into it. Just wanted to stroke my ego, I suppose. Highlights at that bar included a girl wearing a chopped up November Coming Fire Samhain t-shirt. She'd be alright if her face didn't look like whatever it did. Then another cute girl dropped her iphone right in front of us and that's the first tiem I can say me, Kyle or this black guy who was asking me something can now say was the first time we've seen an iphone's screen shatter (apparently those phones are durable as hell from what I'm told). But yea, then it took a turn for the strange. Not only did we finally start getting blithering idiot drunk, but in walks a dude looking like, well... the only way I can explain it is "gay irish pirate." He was shirtless wearing this green sparkly sequen shaul over his shoulders, a pirate hat, and white biker shorts. another buddy of his was dressed exactly like how Hunter S Tompson would have dressed (I guess imagine Johnny Depp as him in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, only not Johnny Depp but some schnook from Brooklyn). Also with these 2 kooks was some dude dressed as a cave man. a text about this resulted in me now having a convo between scott and I on TextsFromLastNight.com: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/45884

but yea, I don't recall much of us going home. All I remember is Kyle walked out the door with a beer and the bouncer was like "go inside and drink that." He finished and we left, staggering down the streets along the highway, back to his place. I now vaguely remember Kyle being so drunk he couldn't get the key anywhere near the keyholes to each door. I took the key from him and did it saying something about being a functional drunk. It turned into a team up where he'd show me what the key looked like on his janitors array of keys and I'd go through each key that looked like said key to try and open a door. The last one to his apartment was a doosie and I remember him being on the floor, face to the door trying to get the key in til we got back.

All else I remember is him pissing, I think he fell in the bathroom, and then going to his room and passing out fully dressed and with the light on. I pissed and passed out on the couch for 2 or so hours before waking up, realize i had to drive to my mom's, get a change of clothes so I could go to work. What ended up happening was I got to my mom's sometime around 8, fell asleep and woke up when I was supposed to have opened the office, got dressed, gave my mom her mother's day present and showed up to work 20 minutes late.

All and all, not bad. Not crazy, but whatever.

Oh, and a funny thing I wanted to post on twitter but couldn't figure out how to send a picture text to my account was that while we were getting off the E train (that sounds like such a drug reference), we saw this pillar in the subway that had scribbled onto it "FOR A GOOD BLOWJOB CALL EMILY AT" and then had some phone number scribbled under it. Very tempted to call, but I'm sure that number must've been changed by now, and if not, I'd be the one call that gets traced to be charged with sexual harassment.

Cinco De Hot Sauce

So, yesterday was apparently to celebrate a country's one win in a war and whose plague is now destroying us all. How do we celebrate? by destroying our livers and assholes (and get stomach aches with all that damn sour mix in those fucking margaritas, ugh). 

Anyway, to quote Aker once again, "Ramy + Tequila = Ratings." I'm also learning that equation also equals foggy memory of what I even did as I wake up. I had to jog my memory for about an hour to try and remember what I did... Twitter helps too.

My day started out with me taking the train as usual into Manhattan to meet up for what Dan said was going to be epic (or something along those lines). I took the train in an hour earlier than usual because I figured I better get my drink on a bit earlier if I was gonna try and catch the last train back to my neck of the woods. I refereed to this as day light savings for alcoholism. 

On the train, I sat down and notice the 2 guys across from me were looking out of place. One, a mid to late 60's, white hair, thick glasses with matching mustache. The other, a buzzed haired overweight son-like figure to the older guy. Both were drinking a 6 pack of Sam Adams Summer ale. Besides the out of place look of the two of them, they were wearing green. The son was wearing one of those ugly green Yankees shirts with a shamrock on it, it said Jeter on the back to make it even more fruity and weird. This felt like a fucking flashback of me and Scott getting on the train back 2 months for St Patrick's day. 

I know words couldn't do justice, so I snapped a quick photo of the son while they  weren't paying attention to my direction for a second:

After waiting at Secaucus for the damn transfer train to take me to Penn Station and begin my slaying of drunken crowds, the train FINALLY came, I criss crossed with subways and walked a few blocks. Ended up meeting Romil up at Calico Jack's for lack of a better idea. (bad idea to go to a mexican themed bar on a day of a mexican themed drinking excuse). Well, being that we got there so early, it wasn't so bad in the beginning. 3 dollar margaritas sound like a good, cheap, idea, but in hindsight, not so much. After 2 I started getting a stomach ache and had a strong feeling that if I kept it up with them I'd end up getting into a fight (possibly with myself). This is where we met Dina. The shot girl. Generic, decent looking skank who is trying to push her shots on you. I see right through that shit. I told Romil she's a snake and not to get a drink from her. 3 times in less than 2 minutes she must've came up to us and bugged the shit out of us to get drinks. I basically told her repeatedly to fuck off and bother someone else who is too drunk to know any better. Around this time is when it became so over crowded that you couldn't even move. After realizing, this is what the bar looked liked:

We had to get a table. Apparently getting a table meant you had to order food, which we didn't really have any qualms with until we got the check. We ordered jalapeno poppers and vegetable nachos. after we finished the first beers we had while eating, and wondering where our waitress was to order more, Romil called over that annoying shot girl and ordered 2 shots of tequila to pass the time while we wait for the waitress. First of all, she told us shots were like 2 dollars. Then she convinced Romil to buy her a shot. Mistakes 1 and 2 were made right there, especially with the way the shot girls are whore pieces of shit there that'll do anything to swindle you out of more money. OH, but here's the kicker of swindling us. So, after we realize she gave us fucking sugary peach schnapps and NOT tequila like we asked, she goes "no, it's tequila. it's flavored." I said that we weren't retarded and knew what tequila and peach schnapps taste like, and that was definitely peach schnapps. She apologized... THEN, Romil paid, she said to us "um, I need 6 more dollars." Romil, confused, asked, "um, why?" She then went on to go "oh, I made a mistake, the jello shots are 2 dollars, these are 4." I go "excuse me?" Romil looked at me cause he was out of singles, so I paid her and didn't even look at her, like a whore who just got finished doing her job. I could tell she sat there for a second waiting for a tip but I just went right back to eating and ignored her til she finally left us alone.

We ordered drinks, but it went from fun playful drinking to angry, I wanna strangle that thieving whore kinda drinking. Romil ordered two large shots of tequila, a corona for him and a stella for me (cause I fucking loath corona, and basically any mexican beer except for modelo).

Things that went on while we were finishing our beers. The Corona Girls showed up. They weren't that good looking, but this one that gave Romil a little mexican poncho to put on his bottle. Did I mention the one who did this had tit's the size of Romil's head. I was trying not to laugh/stare, but i couldn't help. She leaned forward and they each sized up to his head. Here's the only shot i could snap of her, cause Scott demanded a picture when I told him:

Other than that, there was some really ugly kid working there walking around with a sombrero and poncho. I couldn't get a good shot of him, cause he obviously was trying to avoid me taking a picture of him... the photo doesn't do justice cause you can't see these nasty boil-like zits he had:

Anyway, we finished our food, our table was cleaned up by this Aussie that I kept calling Steve Irwin and I didn't even know he was an aussie until he opened his mouth and we heard his retarded aussie accent (sorry, I didn't take a picture of him). But yea, we left to meet up Dan where he told us to meet him originally. As we were forging our way through the brush of alcoholics, the shot girl smiled at Romil and said thanks. I on the other hand was fighting the blind and drunken rage to shove her and make her spill all her drinks. I was going to shove her or elbow her. Instead, I did a win-win shove of me thrusting my crotch into her ass as I left (both wins were obviously for me). On the walk out we were bullshitting about how I was right to not deal with the shot girls in that bar (last time we were in there i basically shot down the shot girl so bad that the bartender enjoyed watching and bought us free drinks, which turned into us getting so drunk we got kicked out). Just for laughs, here's a picture of a building being built that Romil pointed out. If you don't think this looks like a fucking set of cock and balls, your mind isn't as dirty as mine:

(and thus concludes the photo portion of this blog, mainly because I was too drunk and busy being a fool... and it was fucking crowded everywhere). 

When we finally made it to the place we were to meet Dan, we realized there wasn't even a line forming down the street like the last bar, but that the patrons were just pouring out into the street cause it was so over crowded. We said fuck it and decided to meet up Dan elsewhere. We decided on TJ Whitney's, basically because they usually have 2 for one deals during happy hour. Only deals they seemed to have were over crowded walk room and 4 dollars for mexican beers. Another lesson was that all you need to crowd your bar on that day is either be a mexican themed bar, OR in TJ Whitney's case, just drape a corona banner across your marque and drunks will flourish. I took some girl's drink that was undrank and left unattended. She said it was ok, I wasn't a complete scumbag as usual this time. 

Dan finally met us up. we Drank another round, and wandered off to Sutton Place. Sutton Place sucked, and the roof was overpriced as always so we didn't even order a drink and left. We went to Opal. It smelled in there. The main part smelt, like i said in a twitter update, redbull, mexican farts and depression. The back room smelt like sweaty arabs, BAD. The bar was full of drunk messes. For a while, I couldn't turn my eyes away from the train wreck which was these two drunk, girls with guts, dancing. But anyway, we finally found some open seats at the bar, so me and Dan sat down, and then began quoting lines from Glengarry Glen Ross because he made reference to the seats being "prime real estate" (I guess you had to see the movie to know what the fuck I'm talking about right here, I guess you can see the main scene we kept quoting right here). While sitting there, we watched the Yankees suck it up and kept talking with these two crazy black guys. One was hilarious saying how he liked one player because he seemed like the kinda guy who would do blow with you or even  join in on a gang bang and not tell your wife the next day. Haaa. Besides sitting around to listen to these two loons rant about insane shit, the fact that it was buy one get one free on drinks was good. I had no one to share my drinks with, so while dan and Romil went back and forth buying a round for the two of them, I was double fisting gin and tonics.

After the deal on bogo drinks (ugh, I hate that term "bogo" but am too lazy) we left, to walk in the rain back to sutton place to clear our minds and set a new goal on what to do/where to go. Dan and Romil got beers and I got another gin and tonic... a gin and tonic I had to chug as fast as possible cause as soon as we ordered them Dan was like "ok, lets leave here and go elsewhere."

I am pretty sure the taxi driver dealing with us was not pleased. The fact he was wearing a turban and kept correcting Dan's pronunciation of Indian words/names are what I'm going on here. Why? Because Dan kept yelling Slumdog Millionaire references the whole time in the car. That and he was laughing his ass off so hard and basically banging his fists against the protective window between the driver and passengers whenever Romil would make Bill Duke references repeatedly throughout the car ride to our final destination.

What was our final destination? This all asian bar Romil and I met Dan and some of his co-workers at a few weeks back  (I probably mentioned it a while ago in one of my older blogs). I think it was called Tornado Bar, or at least that's what we call it. We walk in apparently one of us ordered a round of skittle shots. It was basically a shot of flavored vodka depending on what color skittle your got dropped into the bottom of your shot glass, which you then had to drop into a glass of red bull. The girl asked "doesn't it taste like a skittle?" My response, "Yea, cause a fucking skittle just dropped into my mouth that I'm chewing on now." She kinda had this look of being upset. Odd thing though about that bar last night was that instead of the usual all asian clientele and patrons, it was us 3, some white guy from minesota trying to find a job in NY (yea, drinking by yourself in a bar in a highly asian demographic area is how you find a job). The bartenders were some white girl from wisconsin and some russian girl straight from siberia. The minesota guy kept trying to bond with both girls using his 'we come from cold climate areas' as a hit off point. This is where the evening is blur-tastic. I recall the guy trying to tell me he went to high school with some of the guys from Atmosphere (I guess he meant when they were Urban Atmosphere cause there was more than 2 guys back then... like 3 guys). I was way to out of it to pick his brain and call him out on that though.I recall talking with some girl about God knows what. Come to think of it, I can't recall what any girl looked like that I talked to last night. I think one of them had blond hair, but that's all I remember, that and I think she said I was funny. Eh, whatever.

I recall being dragged by Dan out of the subway to take a cab, which didn't make sense cause I needed to walk a few blocks to Penn from where we were. Then I recall it REALLY POURING HARDCORE as I ran down the streets of manhattan to get into Penn Station. I missed one train and ran from one side to the other to catch the last train to Secaucus Junction before the last train home headed outta there. Weird was, I walk in and the dad and son from earlier in the day were sitting there. I shake my head and go "i can't fucking believe this." I kept getting stares as I was out of breath and sopping wet with rain water. I recall kinda nodding off on the train listening to my ipod.

I staggered off the the train, walked home in the rain and immediately stripped down to my boxers to throw my jacket and clothes in the dryer before I passed out in my bed, only to wake up this morning and ask myself "why did I drink so much?"

All in all, it was kinda lackluster and I apologize that this first real blog on this website sucks... and it's fucking long, Jesus.

EDIT: How the fuck could I forget about what happened on the last part of the night before I got off the train? Ok, so, I sit down, minding my own business. I accidentally spit on this guy sitting across from me. I just shrugged and said "i seriously did not to mean spit on you." For some reason he then goes off about how he is related to this guy and that guy on some reality television shows. I mentioned to him that I don't watch reality tv but that didn't stop him from telling me his life story of how his friends think he could be on a reality tv show and bla bla bla, then he goes on telling me how he's french and a cook. Once again, i don't care. Telling me his stories of this and that, this and that. He finally gets off the car and says good bye. Then some guy Kurt ("K-U-R-T, like Kurt Cobain," is how he told me his name)  comes and gives me his number. Why is it I men give me their numbers more often than women? The hell? I cannot stress this enough that I am not gay. Sorry, NO.

And without further adieu, I say good day sirs and madams, til next drunken escapade.

New Blog

God, yet another place to rant about how much of a drunk asshole I am. Sweet.