Woke up, showered, got dressed, picked up Scott and headed to the East Village. Half hour of looking for a parking spot later... the two of us went to Ace Bar to meet up Jose.
In there, it was kinda lame. Well, there were decent to hot looking girls, but they ALL had a boyfriend or some form of guy friend with them. Reasons we left after 2 drinks included, but were not limited to:
- a kid that looked like Lyle Lovett:
- a gay dude dancing up a storm around us:
- a crazy guy talking to himself loudly that I thought was talking to someone but Scott says was just a complete nut:
So yea, as for these 3 aforementioned, there was also only attention given to me, besides from Scott, by the racoon eyed bitch with some jerk-wad boyfriend she was with giving me the racoon eye every now and then. Oh, and there was a buncha guys that you could tell smelled of fat sweat that reeked of pot and one of them looked at me when I said it stunk in the bar.
We decided to go to Down the Hatch cause we figured the girl with the gigantic tits was working last night. Jose got there before us and texted Scott that she wasn't there, and that a buncha dudes were just hanging out. We went anyway cause Scott had intentions of blowing 180 dollars at the bar on shots. We walked in and first thing Scott does when we find Jose is order a round for the 3 of us. It included a shot of jager, a shot of american honey (honey flavored wild turkey), and a glass of gin and soda. We cheers'd the shot of jager to... I don't remember... sluts? We cheers'd the shot of american honey to... I don't remmeber that either, but then I cheers'd the last drink to "bar pigs".
First cigarette of the night for me was rock bottom. It was rock bottom cause this group of hot girls come walking up to the bounder, looking all hot, and this fat moron with a stupid face goes up to me and says "watch this." What does he do? Says "sup ladies?" gets horribly shot down by all 5 of them, and then as they're walking in the door, he mutters "stupid sluts," and they all turn around and one of them looks at me and goes "we're not sluts just cause you can't get any from us." I go "I DIDN'T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING! IT WAS THIS MORON NEXT TO ME THAT WAS HITTING ON YOU AND FAILING!" They all then turn to him and give him a dirty, dirty look and walk away. He was like "gee, thanks for taking that bullet." I go "thanks for ruining my chances later on in the night." I then go to put my hand out and shake his hand and go "my name's Ramy." He goes "Opie, O-P-I-E." I respond "I know how to fucking spell that name. Are you fucking kidding me? What horrible person burdened you with that name?" paused for a moment, and then go, "nevermind, i don't wanna fucking know," and walked back into the bar.
After a bit, these 2 nasty girls start eying us like we're a all you can eat Arby's buffet and to liven up the mood and also possibly scare them away, I started dancing around, bumping my ass into Scott and Jose as they yell at me "what in the FUCK are you doing?"
Around this time, I went to take a piss break. Scott, I and this other guy were all pissing in the bathroom at the same time and just yelling unintelligable death cries like assholes at each other, laughing in between grunts and yells. People started walking in and were scared as to what the fuck was going on.
Also around this time, well, after the bathroom incident obviously, I see this drunk pig at the end of the bar, eyeing me, and eventually pointing me out to her friend. I told Scott the situation going down and then he looked over and the friend was waving us over. Scott went and I let him see what was going down as Jose and I sat there drinking and nodding our heads.
Then, I don't remember how it happened but me and Jose ended up over there and I started talking to the girl who was waving us over, Scott was talking to her friend and I am pretty sure Jose was talking to another friend... or some other drunk skag that was in the general area.
Around my first cigarette break from talking to this one girl I go up behind this Asian dude in a leather jacket and tell myself (or more like one of those little fucker voices in the back of my head told me) to fuck with this kid. Why? I dunno. I think cause I find Asians in leather jackets to be most amusing. I kinda make sure the 3 of his friends make eye contact with me as I nod to kinda let them know I'm gonna do something to their friend. I then grab him by the shoulders, start shaking him and go "HEY MAN! IT'S FUCKING YOU!!!! HOW YA DOING!?!?!?" He just had the most confused look on his face as his friends tried not laughing. He then went along, pretending to know me and i said something like "hey man, long time no see. We had a blast back in the day, no? Remember that time we just sat there throwing hot dogs at each others assholes?" His friends one by one lost it and then i eventually busted out laughing and was like "sorry dude, I was just trying to get by you and I'm drunk. I don't really know you," and then walked away hysterically laughing to myself.
But yea, back to the bar hussies. The three amigos that we were last night ended up all fixated on talking to the girls that were talking to us from that group of friends we infiltrated. The fat one came over, smiled at me, and I kinda just looked at her blankly, shoved her outta the way and was like "you're blocking my view, get outta here." Oh yea, and the whole time, the guys these girls with kept butting in and tried cock counter-cock blocking us (cause apparently they came to the bar with these girls and we just got all up in their shit and snatched the pussy out from under them. GO US!
I think towards the end of the night, the other friends not getting attention from us and the guys got fed up and wanted to go home. The girl didn't have a cell phone but basically begged all her friends for a pen and paper. I ended up writing my number down for her on some kinda jack daniels postcard. Classy, no? If she actually calls me, I'll be surprised... I don't even remember her giving me a name. Oh well, whatever. Not like I used to have girls names in my phone with nonsense names my friends and I like to make up such as "donkey tits" or "melty face" or "girl with the chin I met at bla bla bla bar".
SO, we got hungry and went to Papaya Dog. 2 of the 3 dudes working there were there the last time in there, when these drunk hispanic dudes kept trying to fight the staff there. I kinda said what's up to the black guy but he didn't remember me. The hispanic dude remembered me though and started laughing cause he must've remembered how I was just calling the guys trying to fight them animals and shit. Scott ordered us a feast. All i wanted was a kenish and he comes back with chili dogs, french fries and jalapeno poppers. I look at him and go "where's the fucking kenish, ass?" He just shoves the food in my face, and with a mouth full of hot dog goes "shut up and eat." Towards the end of our feast of feasts, these 3 hispanic girls were standing next to us and being all loud. Scott said something and then they were like "you're jealous cause we're all hot and not talking to you." I think Scott said something like "no, you're dumb, loud and spanish." Something similar to what I said to this hispanic girl at a bar once. Reaction to me? I get dragged out of the bar by a giant bouncer. Reaction Scott gets? Just them being all delusional about how we're hot for them and just being "haters" or some stupid shit. This went on and on and even included me and Jose getting our 2 cents in, making fun of them and shit.
We then hopped a cab ride back to where I parked the car. I broke my cell phone clip, thus pissing me off in the process, and giving me yet another reason that I cannot wait any longer to get a new cell phone. After we paid the cabbie (read that as Jose drunkenly attempted to figure out how to work the touch screen credit card charge machine in the cab) walked in the wrong direction in the beyond freezing cold for a while looking for the car, and eventually found it and headed home. Jose, of course, falls asleep in the back seat and I tried waking him up when I got to the area he said his car was in. I hope to God he found his car cause I just kinda dumped him in the middle of Harlem and drove off without asking if he knew where to go.
Then, my favorite part of the night. Getting Scott the fuck out of my car. I should have just filmed it this time, but instead, I tried a new method. Just soffocating him by holding his nose and mouth closed and screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!" He hit me to get me off him and I started shaking him like a magic 8 ball and yelling at him that I was tired and want to go to sleep. I really should have recorded this cause the shit coming out of his mouth was complete nonsense. Then he was saying shit like "you're home, take me home." I go "no, YOU are the one that is home, get the fuck out!" I think he finally left when I went to the ol' raining blows upon him with my fists routine.
I really should start filming that portion of the night to show people what I am the only person who gets to see and deal with. I could put them out on video, like one of those Time Life collections.
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