What is This Cock Block You Speak Of?

Last night started out bland. Scott and I tried to figure who were were gonna hang out with. TJ was in PA. Mike was only staying in town. Loki, obviously didn't meet us up. Dan was staying in..... Then there's the fact I fell the fuck asleep and missed a bunch of Scott's phone calls as predicted when he got home from work and wanted to go out.

Woke up, showered, got dressed, picked up Scott and headed to the East Village. Half hour of looking for a parking spot later... the two of us went to Ace Bar to meet up Jose.

In there, it was kinda lame. Well, there were decent to hot looking girls, but they ALL had a boyfriend or some form of guy friend with them. Reasons we left after 2 drinks included, but were not limited to:

- a kid that looked like Lyle Lovett:



- a gay dude dancing up a storm around us:



- a crazy guy talking to himself loudly that I thought was talking to someone but Scott says was just a complete nut:



So yea, as for these 3 aforementioned, there was also only attention given to me, besides from Scott, by the racoon eyed bitch with some jerk-wad boyfriend she was with giving me the racoon eye every now and then. Oh, and there was a buncha guys that you could tell smelled of fat sweat that reeked of pot and one of them looked at me when I said it stunk in the bar.

We decided to go to Down the Hatch cause we figured the girl with the gigantic tits was working last night. Jose got there before us and texted Scott that she wasn't there, and that a buncha dudes were just hanging out. We went anyway cause Scott had intentions of blowing 180 dollars at the bar on shots. We walked in and first thing Scott does when we find Jose is order a round for the 3 of us. It included a shot of jager, a shot of american honey (honey flavored wild turkey), and a glass of gin and soda. We cheers'd the shot of jager to... I don't remember... sluts? We cheers'd the shot of american honey to... I don't remmeber that either, but then I cheers'd the last drink to "bar pigs".

First cigarette of the night for me was rock bottom. It was rock bottom cause this group of hot girls come walking up to the bounder, looking all hot, and this fat moron with a stupid face goes up to me and says "watch this." What does he do? Says "sup ladies?" gets horribly shot down by all 5 of them, and then as they're walking in the door, he mutters "stupid sluts," and they all turn around and one of them looks at me and goes "we're not sluts just cause you can't get any from us." I go "I DIDN'T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING! IT WAS THIS MORON NEXT TO ME THAT WAS HITTING ON YOU AND FAILING!" They all then turn to him and give him a dirty, dirty look and walk away. He was like "gee, thanks for taking that bullet." I go "thanks for ruining my chances later on in the night." I then go to put my hand out and shake his hand and go "my name's Ramy." He goes "Opie, O-P-I-E." I respond "I know how to fucking spell that name. Are you fucking kidding me? What horrible person burdened you with that name?" paused for a moment, and then go, "nevermind, i don't wanna fucking know," and walked back into the bar.

After a bit, these 2 nasty girls start eying us like we're a all you can eat Arby's buffet and to liven up the mood and also possibly scare them away, I started dancing around, bumping my ass into Scott and Jose as they yell at me "what in the FUCK are you doing?"

Around this time, I went to take a piss break. Scott, I and this other guy were all pissing in the bathroom at the same time and just yelling unintelligable death cries like assholes at each other, laughing in between grunts and yells. People started walking in and were scared as to what the fuck was going on.

Also around this time, well, after the bathroom incident obviously, I see this drunk pig at the end of the bar, eyeing me, and eventually pointing me out to her friend. I told Scott the situation going down and then he looked over and the friend was waving us over. Scott went and I let him see what was going down as Jose and I sat there drinking and nodding our heads.

Then, I don't remember how it happened but me and Jose ended up over there and I started talking to the girl who was waving us over, Scott was talking to her friend and I am pretty sure Jose was talking to another friend... or some other drunk skag that was in the general area.

Around my first cigarette break from talking to this one girl I go up behind this Asian dude in a leather jacket and tell myself (or more like one of those little fucker voices in the back of my head told me) to fuck with this kid. Why? I dunno. I think cause I find Asians in leather jackets to be most amusing. I kinda make sure the 3 of his friends make eye contact with me as I nod to kinda let them know I'm gonna do something to their friend. I then grab him by the shoulders, start shaking him and go "HEY MAN! IT'S FUCKING YOU!!!! HOW YA DOING!?!?!?" He just had the most confused look on his face as his friends tried not laughing. He then went along, pretending to know me and i said something like "hey man, long time no see. We had a blast back in the day, no? Remember that time we just sat there throwing hot dogs at each others assholes?" His friends one by one lost it and then i eventually busted out laughing and was like "sorry dude, I was just trying to get by you and I'm drunk. I don't really know you," and then walked away hysterically laughing to myself.

But yea, back to the bar hussies. The three amigos that we were last night ended up all fixated on talking to the girls that were talking to us from that group of friends we infiltrated. The fat one came over, smiled at me, and I kinda just looked at her blankly, shoved her outta the way and was like "you're blocking my view, get outta here." Oh yea, and the whole time, the guys these girls with kept butting in and tried cock counter-cock blocking us (cause apparently they came to the bar with these girls and we just got all up in their shit and snatched the pussy out from under them. GO US!

I think towards the end of the night, the other friends not getting attention from us and the guys got fed up and wanted to go home. The girl didn't have a cell phone but basically begged all her friends for a pen and paper. I ended up writing my number down for her on some kinda jack daniels postcard. Classy, no? If she actually calls me, I'll be surprised... I don't even remember her giving me a name. Oh well, whatever. Not like I used to have girls names in my phone with nonsense names my friends and I like to make up such as "donkey tits" or "melty face" or "girl with the chin I met at bla bla bla bar".

SO, we got hungry and went to Papaya Dog. 2 of the 3 dudes working there were there the last time in there, when these drunk hispanic dudes kept trying to fight the staff there. I kinda said what's up to the black guy but he didn't remember me. The hispanic dude remembered me though and started laughing cause he must've remembered how I was just calling the guys trying to fight them animals and shit. Scott ordered us a feast. All i wanted was a kenish and he comes back with chili dogs, french fries and jalapeno poppers. I look at him and go "where's the fucking kenish, ass?" He just shoves the food in my face, and with a mouth full of hot dog goes "shut up and eat." Towards the end of our feast of feasts, these 3 hispanic girls were standing next to us and being all loud. Scott said something and then they were like "you're jealous cause we're all hot and not talking to you." I think Scott said something like "no, you're dumb, loud and spanish." Something similar to what I said to this hispanic girl at a bar once. Reaction to me? I get dragged out of the bar by a giant bouncer. Reaction Scott gets? Just them being all delusional about how we're hot for them and just being "haters" or some stupid shit. This went on and on and even included me and Jose getting our 2 cents in, making fun of them and shit.

We then hopped a cab ride back to where I parked the car. I broke my cell phone clip, thus pissing me off in the process, and giving me yet another reason that I cannot wait any longer to get a new cell phone. After we paid the cabbie (read that as Jose drunkenly attempted to figure out how to work the touch screen credit card charge machine in the cab) walked in the wrong direction in the beyond freezing cold for a while looking for the car, and eventually found it and headed home. Jose, of course, falls asleep in the back seat and I tried waking him up when I got to the area he said his car was in. I hope to God he found his car cause I just kinda dumped him in the middle of Harlem and drove off without asking if he knew where to go.

Then, my favorite part of the night. Getting Scott the fuck out of my car. I should have just filmed it this time, but instead, I tried a new method. Just soffocating him by holding his nose and mouth closed and screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!" He hit me to get me off him and I started shaking him like a magic 8 ball and yelling at him that I was tired and want to go to sleep. I really should have recorded this cause the shit coming out of his mouth was complete nonsense. Then he was saying shit like "you're home, take me home." I go "no, YOU are the one that is home, get the fuck out!" I think he finally left when I went to the ol' raining blows upon him with my fists routine.

I really should start filming that portion of the night to show people what I am the only person who gets to see and deal with. I could put them out on video, like one of those Time Life collections.

The New and Improved RAMY BLOG!!!

***Now with more videos AND stupidity***

First and foremost, I'd like to introduce you all to me and TJ's new lord and savior that he discovered on the bathroom wall of Trash Bar out in Brooklyn.



Yes, it is HE! CHUCK JACKSON! ALL PRAISE TO CHUCK JACKSON! (dude, it's fucking half of Michael Jackson's face and half of Chuck Norris' face... you couldn't figure it out? What's wrong with you?)

Anyway, last night I decided what better time than to start bringing out my newly purchased Flip video camera (yea, cause I thought it'd be entertaining to record some of our stupidity) and what better way than to start the night with TJ using it to harass one of his sisters:



Ok, so that was pretty stupid and should've been deleted immediately, but I dunno. He and I found it funny and kept looping it as we were gearing up to go out last night.

So yea, we get down to Brooklyn, find a parking spot, park and walk a few blocks in the freezing cold, complaining the entire walk like little girls... ok, so maybe the little girls part was mainly me... shut up.

We get to the bar and there was some bad band on. I'm fairly sure a line in one of their songs was "I myspace deleted you." I'm not lying. Ok, well, it's known for me to see and hear what I want to see and hear and not what's actually being said or displayed. But yea, seriously? I should start writing songs called shit like "fair weather facebook friend" but I wont... cause I'd get harassed by one of my many friends who constantly badger me to make a facebook account. People, I have more than enough internet accounts to be vain about myself on that I don't need another one (that and I fucking hate facebook and that weasel that made that website).

ANYWAY, so yea, TJ orders a round of PBRs and shots of Jack. That was a hell of a lot of a shot cause it was served to us in this dixie cup sized plastic cup and felt like 2 shots in one. All for a measly 5 bucks people. A fucking STEAL! But enough digressions (which I am like the fucking KING of). TJ and I go outside to smoke a cigarette as we wait for Jared and Desiree to show up. Our first encounter with absurdness came in the shape of a um... shapely black woman yelling at some kid with a cheesy hipster mustache, saying shit like "YOU BE 12 YEARS OLD! FUCK YOU!" then comes over to TJ and I and begins with her attempted advances on us. It was BAD. The two of us were playing overly dumb as to try and avoid acknowledging her disgusting sexual shit she was saying to us. I don't even know where to begin with what the convo went like, and I'm not calling TJ just to ask him... yet. It went something like her coming on to us straight up. OH! Somehow she was saying something about how a girl will like me for me and not for my hair (cause I was yelling at her to stop touching me and mussing my hair up. TJ goes "you hear that Ramy, girls are pretending they're disgusted when you pick your nose and flick it." I was like "you mean I can keep harvesting my collection of them under my desk at work?" Then she said something lewd to the extent of desks being used to measure penis size. It went something like "only thing i'm interested about under a desk is how much is measures down there..." I go "my booger collection? It was pretty big until the cleaning lady discovered it. Bitch ruined everything!" Then she starts asking me what I am. I told her Italian and she said it figures (whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean). Then she says to TJ "and you probably are too... hrmph!" TJ Goes "no, I'm Greek" and she just goes right up in his face and starts tugging on the chest area of his shirt and goes "OH! MY MR STAVARAPOLIS!"Tj goes "no, more like Mr John Stamos... or how about Mr George Michael." I started laughing my ASS off and the bitches go "that's gay as shit!" So me and Tj started acting like a gay couple to try and scare her off, me saying shit like "it was horrible how they arrested that poor George Michael. They arrested him playing the 'I'll show you mine if you show you yours' game, terrible." I eventually realized this was gonna keep going on unless something was up and she was not taking no for an answer... so I just pointed in one direction and walked in the opposite direction of where I pointed, which was inside, mumbling something about helping Jared set his guitar up and jetting into the bar.

The night went on as such. About a shot of jack, PBR and 4 vodka sodas in, I am told that the original bassist of Activator that's been keeping in touch with Jared to try and get back into the band is roommates with John Stainer. Of course I had to make some bullshit convo and get him into it before the night was over... and I did. Muttering something about Symptoms of the Universe by Black Sabbath (when he was in Helmet, they were in the Jerky Boys movie. Ozzy was their manager in the Scene and Helmet played a cover of that Sabbath song as one of the funniest scenes in that movie was going down.)

Um, OH LORD. Last night was the EPITOME of short tempers on display last night. One dude wanted to fight me cause I had to kinda lean up and over his girlfriend to get my drink from the bartender cause this couple REFUSED to move when I said excuse me. When I said thank you to the bartender for giving me a new drink the guy in the couple went "NO! EXCUSE ME IS MORE LIKE IT!" I was like "um.... excuse me? What?" He goes off at me for being rude and climbing over his girlfriend to get a drink. I explained to him calmly what the situation was and politely told him that he was in the wrong. Bad thing to do. He got angrier at me. I was like "fine! I'll say it again to appease you, EXCUSE ME! I wont order from this bar anymore cause apparently it belongs to you and ma'lady." and I did a fucking curtsy bow to them and walked away.

and the best one was this dude had these GIANT glasses on the entire night at the bar. At first, walking in, I pointed him out to TJ and said "dude, who's Kanye over there?" followed by me laughing my ass off. Later in the night I go up to him and go "dude, you gotta tell me, where did you get those glasses?" he tells me some place I knew I wasn't gonna remember and then he goes "why do you ask?" I go, "i'm sorry, but you look like fucking Prince with those things on." HE was FUMING with anger that I said that. He told me to leave as him and his friends started getting in my face and I just kept laughing right in their faces as they threatened me. Later on in the night one of his friends was outside smoking and I was talking about how this guy was pissed that I complimented his glasses. The dude butted in and was like "you called my friend a faggot, that's why he was pissed." I was like "NO! I said those shits were bad ass." He goes "mother fucker, you don't tell someone they look like Prince." I was like "well, he looked like a scene outta Purple Rain if you ask me. You know, back in the day, Prince was the shit." He goes "yea, you old. Kanye is the new hotness. Why couldn't you say he looks like Kanye?" I go "dude, Kanye is a faggot." He replied with "Mother fucker, Prince has ruffles in his shirt. That fucker is the faggot." I was like "man, just admit it, Prince is the shit." He retorted with "...TO YOU!" he's like this ain't the 80s, your generation is over," and stormed of.

But wait, there's more of these situations... the last band was the equivalent to if the guys from the late night special had a musical group. It was basically them air humping all slow and sexual as they spit the WORST rhymes I've ever heard. Me, TJ and Jared had to walk through a crowd that would not get out of our way after repeatedly asking people to please move, to get to the stage, grab Jared's gear, and then plow our way through a crowd watching this BET After Hours music video (have you ever watched that shit when you were younger? God, I have the worst taste in television viewing. Fucking all I used to watch was that and Telemundo... I'm fucking serious). Anyway, we finally left, along with the cold stares of a million eyes being darted at me as I left the bar, and me laughing to myself.

At one point towards the end of our bout at the bar, this girl, maybe it was Desiree? I don't remember, said that she loves Jersey Shore and the Situation. I go up and say "You like the Situation? How about this!" I lifed my shirt up, let my beer gut hang out in alls it's glory, and say "This is the aggravation!" i then kept my shirt up, walking up to random girls at the bar and kept rubbing it as I seductively stared at them like a creep (well, I ALWAYS look like a creep, so whatever)

We finally got back to Jared's, loaded his equipment into his apartment, woke up Desiree, who fell asleep in TJ's car on the ride there, and we went to 7A to eat. Now, most of you don't know, but me, Jared and usually TJ would go to 7A after a night of terrorizing the Lower East Side when we were younger. Ok, so maybe it was only 5 or 6 years ago, but it feels like it was an eternity away. We wouldn't just go in there, we'd be pass out drunk when we got in there. Most of the times it would end with me face first in my plate of food, muttering drunken gibberish. I'd be asked to leave, whatever. BUT, this time, something happened. According to an eye witness account (it was TJ), this girl walked in.... wait, first of all, we walked in and there was a gay dude with a black streak of makeup across the eye area of his face and his black tranny boy/girlfriend that eyed us as we walked in and growled at me and TJ. Gross... ANYWAY, back to the main story. We are sitting, food is ordered and we're waiting. a girl walks in and walks by this group of Indian guys hanging out at the bar in the diner (why you'd hang out at the bar of a diner, I do not know... oh wait, it as after hours, that's why... but yea, one of the guys wouldn't let the girl pass ,and tried hitting on her... here's a compilation video of what I managed to capture:



So, besides the above mentioned of her going off at the group of Indian dudes at the bar, she goes at it with another girl, who looked like Latoya Jackson circa 1981, which TJ went up to and was like "what did you do?" She goes "You sound just like my husband... always blaming me for things." Then, she started flipping her hair around and goes "I was just sitting here, being beautiful, and this girl starts shit with me for no reason." Tj looked at her, and sarcastically goes "ok, you keep sitting there and be beautiful."

After this all went down, Desiree goes up to the night manager and starts saying that was fucking rude and this and that. The guy starts cursing her out and is like "I don't have to serve you, you know?" and basically kicked us out and told us not to come back. Please, I've heard that so many times... according to Boarders Books, I have 3 life bans on that store... too bad they're all but shut down now. The reasons we'd get banned were always hilarious. Highlights included luke grabbing an Mxpx cd from the cd section, spitting on it, and then kicking it across the store. Ripping out articles from magazines, jeff trying to return old coloring books his sister drew in years prior and then telling the guy we were gonna have a book burning session if he didn't take the books back (the dude was a total book loving nerd)... and i am SERIOUSLY digressing here.

But yea, TJ and I drove home, blasting the late birthday present I gave him of Screeching Weasel's How to Make Enemies and Irritate People (fitting title for what I did all night last night, if ya ask me) and Pump Up the Valuum by Nofx. Ate some kinda zucchini/potato/tomato/cheese cornucopia of food one of TJ's sisters made for dinner before we left.

So yea, like I predicted, my flip is STILL not done recharging for tonight's chicanery which will include, but not be limited to, me dancing around TJ's basement like an asshole to Lady Gaga as we throw a house party (apparently). Whose invited? Obviously not you. Oh, and I am gonna go to Toys R Us with Dennis in a bit to buy stupid shit. I WILL find that damn orange fuzzy Yo Gabba Gabba hat and glasses combo:



and dance around like this:



Screaming, "MY NAME is RAMY! I LIKE TO DANCE!!!!"

... if this is not done, than I'll look for the Darth Vader voice changing helmet and be yelling this a lot.

I Will Bring Down The Ugly in the World

I have come to the conclusion that if I do not DESTROY the cast of Jersey Shore I have to kill myself. It's that simple.

Yes, I am fucking serious.

One of these fucking Mongoloids, Pauly D or some shti like that, was "DJ-ing" at Sutton Place. Guess who wanted to go to Sutton Place tonight and drove past the bar looking for a parking spot to see a line down the fucking block? THIS GUY! (guess who also got woken up to "lets go out" and then when a stones throw from the FDR gets told "oops, I forgot my wallet" This luckiest son of a bitch in the world typing these words.

Yea, OH! Did I mention how angry I was before I even stepped foot of the bar I ended up going to instead? Yea, I mean, besides seeing the long ass line to the bar I WANTED to go to and was told some piece of shit was using his ipod to play HORRENDOUS fucking music into a PA system? I tried getting a parking spot, but this cab kept creeping up my ass and honking at me to move up so he could squeeze through the street (cause you know, GOD FORBID someone has the paitence to let someone park their car or the know how to pass around said car). So, after I let this guy go around me, a car pulled into the spot as I was backing up towards it. Then, by some retard luck, I pulled around the corner and saw someone pulling out of their spot. As I was waiting, I saw someone start waiting behind me with some kinda intent to perform a coup attack to get the spot from me. What did this turn into? Me cursing like a sailor about how I am gonna smash their massive fucking nose into their skull by curb stomping them, all while parallel parking. They drove off and I kept cursing at them til they were far from my angry yelling range.

I showed up to Opal with Scott and Mike Dani to see Romil and Ian were hanging at the bar, since Scott told them we were coming into the city and Ian was already in th area and Romil just got back from a date. Maybe 2 seconds later, Loki and Mary showed up cause Scott told them as well to meet us up there.

We started off taking shots of Jager in honor of the bar being over flowing with the scum of the earth that couldn't get into Sutton Place to see that fucking orange skinned mongoloid ruin their ear drums with shit and cerebral paulsy bellowings into the mic. GOD! I wanted to go into that bar just to spit in his fucking face cause i was so annoyed with all these people coming into a fine establisment like Opal and sullying it with their over gelled hair and OH MY GOD, this one girl had a bleached "poof" so fucking big I kept calling her Bart Simpson. most of the night was me being a giant asshole to people I didn't know (what else is fucking new?)

I think the only time I had a good time was when the DJ at Opal put Tik Tok on by Kesha as I was walking back into the bar from having a cigarette and I just got up in everyone's face dancing like a complete asshole and I was making these 2 random hot girls fucking tear from laughing so hard at my antics. Then, Lady Gaga came on and I started up again dancing around and getting in people's faces and shaking my ass at them like I was a dumb bimbo. This lead to this almost plain girl coming up to me and talking to me.

I think the truely bad downfall of my already in the gutters evening was when I went to the back bar of Opal. First of all, I never go back there because it's like a danceateria for the mentally challenged. But yea, Romil, Mike and Scott disappeared into the back so Ian and his brother who met us up later on were like "let's go back there." First of all, the bartender took my order, walked away and started flirting with some triolobite of a human being for a while and as I started to get agitated, Neil (aka Ian's brother) went across the bar and basically said "are you gonna serve us or what?" So yea, i get my drink and head in the back to see Mike and Scott are talking to these fucking HAGS in their late 30s/early 40s and I am told not to say anything by Romil. I was told to let them do their thing. FINE, whatever. Then the blond psudo-plain girl comes up to me and grabs me by the hand and drags me off to the side. This ended quickly cause some other MONGO came up to me and I told him with the Diso light effects, he looks like R2D2 busted a nut all over his face and he was apparently trying to get with this girl too and shoved me away and I had to calm myself from throwing a left hook all up in his grill. So, I walk back to where everyone else was and the fucking piece of shit Scott was talking to gave me a dirty look, said something to me and walked away like she was better than me. I WENT OFF! Oh my God, I have never perpetuated the beating of women (ok, maybe in joking) but LORD! I wanted to grab this girl... excuse me, grandma, in the back of the head and smash her fucking botched plastic surgery face right into the fucking repeatedly wall til her teeth fell out. Romil had to grab me and drag me out of the bar. This turned into the "you have to let go of your anger, you cant keep doing this, it's gonna consume you," speech (here's a hint, I am the epitomy of every speech the Emperor gave in the original Star Wars series about hate and anger by this point in my life).

I got fed up, and wanted to leave to another bar. Ian, Neil and Mike Dani decide to go to Turtle Bay. If you know me, I am not fond of that place, but will go in as a last resort. First of all, every bouncer thought I was already dealt with by them cause you know, every fucking Italian in the tri-state area showed up to this part of town and I guess we all look alike? I dunno. I get in there and who could be DJing in there? The worlds worst DJ. If you don't know, I've been pulled away from the DJ booth at that place for telling the DJ he is ruining people's lives with his beyond reproach taste in music and the fact he will play that siren sound effect every Dj plays, but he will play it over something like "all the Small Things" by Blink-182... which who in their right mind plays at a bar? Outside the bar I talked to some girl, but as usual, some fucing piece of shit swooped in and had to cock block me which seemed to be my problem whenever I talked to a girl last night... I think my anger may be stemming from the fact girls would show interest in me and then every single one changed their minds and talked to the more in shape guy with the cleaner cut look and doesn't have the tan of someone who has been hiding in a cave their entire lives. Oh, and how can I forget the hot girl that starts talking to me, and then kinda pushes me off to her less attractive friend? Yea, that was fun. Thanks, you skanky bitch.

i was in such a bad mood at this point that, while on the line for the bathroom, i picked one guy out in the line and began just relentlessly making fun of him. I started with his hair. Then when I got to his Ed Hardy hoodie, I just let fucking loose. "Do you use your love of tigers and dragons on elaborate designs as a pick up line for other men?" "How many times a week do you fantasize about sucking off Christian Audigier?" "How does Ed Hardy water taste? Does it give you the vitamins you need to keep that look of someone having shit on your head?" (ok, I can't remember the hate I was spewing from my mouth at this time cause I was just hoping he'd swing at me so I could dessimate him, but it never happened). We ended up leaving, everyone but me getting pizza, and then I had to drive Ian and his brother back to Inwood and Mike back to Pelham, where I am amazed how I found his house on the ride there (I've only been there once before last night) and then the JOY of not finding my way back home.

So yea, I got home at like 6am to have to wake up and be at work at 9:30. What did I do? Showed up an hour late to work, cursed out co-workers. left early to go to the cafe across the street, hit on the girl with the big ass and busted face that works there, came back to the office to eat my sandwich, made fun of an employee, and have been sitting here deciding if I wanna meet up Loki after work to get drunk and watch football with the possibility of lashing out at more people I don't know to vent my anger that has carried over from last night into today.

So, you know that saying that one action can affect something on the other side of the world? Well, the action of Sutton Place hiring that mongo from Jersey Shore steam rolled, not across the Earth, but down the block, to me, wanting to perform some kinda killing spree/suicide attempt. (seriously, it disgusts me that people like that in the world get praised instead of booed until everyone's thraot is sore or stoned to death, biblical style)

... and for some reason for the past two days I've been waking up thinking of Carlos Nobrega's death. I dunno why. 2 days ago I woke up thinking of his lip tattoo he had and this morning I had a memory of getting the phone call from Al when he called to tell me that he died in a car accident and I had to pick Al up from the airport when he flew in for the funeral. Now I can't stop listening to Minutes to Midnight which I associate with this poor kid's death cause it came out the day that Carlos died and that's basically all me and Al listened to the entire time Al was back in NY for the wake, funeral and nights sitting in those Tarrytown bars just sulking that his best friend died.

The Case of Frankenstein and the Missing Chromosome

Well, last night turned from not having any plans earlier in the day to going out to hang out with yet another friend whose girlfriend just left them. HORRAY! God, I love those situations. Seems everyone is getting broken up lately. The fuck is with this year so far? Anywho, Scott and I went to White Plains to meet up Justin. We went to this new place on Mamaroneck Ave called Ron Blacks. It's actually not bad. It's got that ski lodge bar feel to it. there's a fucking fire place burning in the middle of the bar too (I imagine come summer time that they don't have that fucker going, but still, it's a nice place for the winter so far). We only had one drink cause Justin didn't like that it wasn't too lively in there (i mean, we got there at like 9:45.. not everyone is out by that time) and also complained he didn't like some people in there as well as the fact the DJ was playing the Venga Boys for some fucking reason as I danced around like an asshole very briefly going "WOO! 1991! WOOO!" (and I just googled their single and found out that didn't come out til 1998... oh well, whatever, fucking Dutch).

We left and went across the street to discover that James Joyce is no more. That sucks. It was probably the only place I liked to go on that street when we'd go out to White Plains bars. Ok, well, Lazy Boy isn't that bad if you wanna sit down and eat (especially outside during the day in the summer) and that's where we ended up going. Maybe a drink in and Justin's now ex walks in with a bunch of people. He wanted to leave and I said we should stay and they can leave if they want (which they ended up doing shortly after).

Loki and Mary ended up meeting us up at Lazy Boy. Around this time I went outside for a smoke. This turned into me getting man handled by a very drunk black dude for an cigarette. His friend told him to go inside and he wanted to stay outside and keep smoking. The friend told me not to give him a cigarette and that's when it turned into one of those clouds of dust you see in cartoons when people fight. No, we didn't fight but yea, it was a drunken scuffle between the drunk guy basically reaching all around me for a smoke as his friend kept grabbing at him. Fucking random. This ended in his friend calling him a fag and the drunk ripping the filter off the cigarette and saying he was gonna smoke like "tonto" or some shit like that. As if that wasn't enough, I came back in to find Justin holding my glass of vodka soda and me going "what the hell are you doing?" He said he just wanted to taste it and that was all. That's when I started to notice a little color in a drink that should be clear. I took a sip and it too me a moment to figure out what these assholes put in my drink. At first I thought it was Justin's scotch. But no, that wouldn't be so spicy. Then I realized it was hot sauce and Scott said something about how since I love hot sauce so much I shouldn't have a problem. Then said it tastes like a spicey bloody mary which I followed up with saying I do not like bloody marys, so I ordered another one.

After maybe that last drink, we got the tab, fucking over 125 bucks including the tip, damn that bar. We then left and as Scott and Justin went to put money in their meters, Loki, Mary and I went into Black Bear. It, as usual, was a gauntlet of douche bags. I turned around to Loki as we made way to the back and told him that I instantly regretted my decision to go into that bar. I don't know why I go in there... oh yea, the tail. I decided we should go upstairs cause it's more relaxed. Granted, it's a hell of a lot smaller and the bar is just some dude with a few bottles of booze and 3 or 4 pitchers of "mixers" but whatever. My Vodka Soda tasted like Water Water the first round. Sir, that was NOT grey goose you poured for us (not that I would even go out of my way to order that shit). Anyway, Scott and Justin met us up eventually and it started getting a little more crowded. It turned into, what I said was, a speak easy for the mentally challenged. This gaggle of busted bitches came upstairs and that's when I noticed one girl in particular looked a little re-re-ish. it started with me saying she has a little paulsy in her face (paulsy as in cerebreal paulsy). Then it went around back and forth between, me, Loki, Scott and Mary making fun of her dumb face. Til Mary hit the nail on the head and said she looks like the Frankenstein monster. Around this same time she came over to the section of the bar we were sitting at (which was basically the entire bar since, like I said, it's so small upstairs). I don't remember how it started but we started talking, or more like, me just mocking up close and in person. She got a little mad and then gave me attitude to get out of her way when she was done ordering. She walked away and Mary started mockingly quoting what the girl just said to me which was followed by "can you move again?" and me turning around and seeing that sloped forehead just shinging in my face. I think this was around the time her and the mongo squad she walked in with tried playing beer pong on a broken table that collapsed, causing beer and water to go EVERY WHERE! Wait, yea, it was after cause as it happened, I left to go out back and smoke where these two lesbian girls were all over each other as they talked to some guy friend of theirs. I am pretty sure I have met one of these girls before too but didn't get the chance to talk to her and further prove her point that men are not her bag. Of course I'd go for the lesbian. I go for all the wrong choices. the crazy, the lesbian, the bartender that wants nothing to do with her customers, the good looking girl who wants a guy with a good job and nice car, the girl with two kids and a vast array of sniper rifles... I can go on forever.

But yea, bla bla bla. The kicker was that Scott was kinda just keeping to himself, drinking water at the end of the extremely small bar, since he wanted to make sure he was sober enough to drive our asses home (which if I recall correctly, entailed us laughing like idiots blasting Lady Gaga or something equally effeminate). Anyway, one of the goon-girls comes up to Scott as they're all gearing up to leave and tells him something along the lines of "you're too cute to be so quite" and his response was a sarcastic, psudo-disguested, "who is saying this, you, or HER?" and when he said "HER" pointed to Frankenstein. We laughed, she stormed off. Good times were had by all (read that as just us).

Eventually we all left and I sat up watching the last Tonight Show episode with Conan as the host eating peanuts til I passed the fuck out, then woke up this morning realizing I had work today. Ugh. I hate work so much. People need to pay me to entertain them or something. This is awful.

The Ramy is a Mess Cooking Show: Vol. 2/Last NIght's Happenings

Yep, it's another installment of this soon to be classic page from a soon to be classic alcoholic's cook book (actually, I'm lying, I write this down not to entertain you, the reader, but for me to remember how to make this shit if I ever get bored and wanna revisit one of these meals). Today's experiment in the kitchen will be called...

The Ramy Zestaspicy Tofu and Brocoli



Step one of this mess started with me very bored and realizing it was lunch time (usually how most, if not all, of these little mad chef experiments of mine begin). I bought a brick of firm tofu and decided to make some of it for lunch. I had no clue how to cook it so I looked up online how to go about cooking it and what to do to spice it up (besides my usual dumping of a bottle of hot sauce on everything I eat... did I mention how awesome chipotle flavored tabasco sauce on pizza is? SO GOOD). Anyway, I noticed a lot of the recipes (read that as all 3 of the ones I glanced at) mentioned marinating the tofu. Well, right there I was like "i'm not reading all of this nonsense" and went downstairs to the kitchen to make up my own marinade. Much like every time I start these things, i grab a pot or pan, throw it on the stove and then start rifling through the fridge for some ideas. This is what ended up being the recipe:

- coat the pan (yea, get a pan first) with extra virgin (or at least that's what she tells me) olive oil just enough, not too much though
- a minced garlic clove (reasons like this is why I want a fucking slap chop, dammit)
- a tablespoon of Sriracha chili sauce (gotta love that asian shit)
- a shot of Bacardi rum (cause i was thinking of wine and there seems to always be a bottle of Bacardi next to the stove when I do these things, so it ends up being Bacardi)
- a tablespoon of some shit called Zesty Lemon and Pepper (basically cause I was too lazy to cut a lemon in half and then squeeze the juice out of it... someone needs a juice too it seems).

mix in pan and simmer... down nah!

While this was going on I chopped up a fourth of this brick of tofu into tiny cubes and threw it into the marinade that was simmering (down nah).

Then, like an ass, I forgot to defrost the broccoli and realized throwing them in the pan with the tofu/marinade mixup wasn't gonna work, so...

- boil a few brocoli trees (that's what they're called, right?)
- chop into about 4 or 5 pieces (well, depending on how big these fuckers are)

I mixed all this shit up into a bowl and KA-BLAMO! There's the Earth shattering ka-boom, Marvin the Martian.

If you're wondering what i did last night from my nonsense twitter posts that gave little to no clues about my evening jaunt, other than there was karaoke going on, I went to this place in Chestnut Ridge with Loki and JV. It's a stone's throw from the town they live in and it looked like a fucking barn... in fact, I'm pretty sure it had the word "Barn" in it's name... or maybe the name was just "Barn", I can't remember. Just like every bar Loki has frequented on more than one occasion, people came up to him like he was the don left and right to say hello. Sam and her friends were there and they eventually took over a table. We watched some BAD karaoke (well, I mean all karaoke is usually bad, it means off-key or something like that for crying out loud). One of the selected moments I'll mention was these 2 rather tall black fellows decided to "sing" Lil Wayne's "A Milli". By sing i mean, they just kept going "A MILLI, A MILLI, A MILLI" over and over again as the lyrics would pass by the screen. Then, one started trying to rap to it, but it was horrendous. It got to the point where this guy was literally just making thugish"uhhh" sounds into the mic as the other fellow kept on with his a milli, a milli, a milli-ing. Another thing I'll mention was this one girl who looks like an undeveloped fetus (and was about the size of one), sang some song that sounded like it was from a Disney movie and about strep throat and sniffly noses. I called her out on it later in the night when she lent me her lighter, which she had, not one, but TWO Ed Hardy lighters. You know I went off on her about that as well as when she told me she loves show tunes which resulted in her walking away from me to hit on some guy who, when he asked her how old she was, I blurted out "2... 2 and a half really. Well, depending on what time it is," I then looked down at my imaginary wrist watch, "2 and 3 quarters."

Other than that whole mess, it was a, um... "cozy" bar with a cast of characters and some hot bitches (one girl was just knee cripplingly hot... so hot). One guy's face REALLY bothered me. He had these fucking sideburns thing and pointing, hair was kinda blown out, and his eyebrows just screamed wax job. I am pretty fucking sure that he was wearing mascara on his eyelashes and Sam agreed with me when I pointed em out, so it's not just my imagination going off on me again. He went girl to girl hitting on them and the ones that couldn't see past his immense douchery (read that as EVERY girl he talked to) got all blushy and flirty and shit with him. Shit like that sickens me. Ok, here's my douche bag lesson to ladies:

These guys aren't douche bags (they just have problems with keeping their mouths closed as they chrew):




This IS a douche bag:



I seriously do not know what women find attractive about men who wear over exuberant designs of dragons jerking themselves off in gold linings on their t-shirts, have womanly eyebrows, hair that puts bart Simpson to shame and sometimes even tans that make you look like an oompa loompa. Well, judging by the last 2 characteristics, these girls must have some sexual attraction to cartoonish-characters... well ladies, I am all the cartoon you need (seeing as how my mind works like the plot of a Loony Tunes cartoon), not these eye sores that drive their mom's BMWs and go to free vodka (which they usually pronounce as "vokka") events.

IN other news, what the fuck is up with the new Depeche Mode album? I'm halfway through it now and it now and it's been nothing but British depression lamentations. Sounds like the kinda album you sit in a dark room listening to when you've just had enough of the world.

Turning Lemons into Carbonium Nitrate

Yesterday went as such. Bored out of my mind all day at work. Came home, bored. Talked to Romil. He was bored all day too. We decided to head out to the bars to watch whatever games the bars had on at the time we got there. Loki texted me as I was getting ready and said he would meet us up in an hour.

Fucking traffic was disgusting. People were driving like they just got their licenses last night. 87 was nothing but pockets of traffic up til the GW Bridge. My favorite stupid situation was the one where the guy in front of me was driving like he was from Connecticut (CT drivers fucking slam on the breaks for no reason every few minutes. It is BEYOND annoying). He and I were in the center lane. I was trying to get around him when he slams the breaks and stops short, in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY, and I was gonna swerve around him when i noticed the car to the left of him slammed on his breaks too. I had to slam hard on my breaks and pray I didn't slam into either car. Turns out, this car infront of the car to left slammed on the breaks and then began to cut across 3 lanes to try and hop on an off ramp that A) we fucking passed already and; B) was backed the fuck up for a good mile or so. I was gripping an empty Monster can I have had sitting in my cup holder for months now (why, I dunno. I figure if I ever need to throw something out of anger, it's there). Yea, I was planning on driving up next to this guy that almost caused and accident and nailing his car with the can, but he gunned it the moment he realized that there was a lot of cars behind him that he backed up with his little stunt.

Stupidity like this went on til I got to the exit I usually take to get on the service road leading to the 3rd Ave bridge. THAT was backed up. FDR wasn't too horrible, which is weird since that thing gets like a parking lot heading south on weekends. Finding parking was horrendous too. We met up in the east 50s. You got all these consulate parking only spots and their respective buildings taking up these streets. (You know, you'd think with all these bars around the United Nations, you'd see an embassador or some weird people from other contries coming into these places ONCE in a while. Then again, I imagine the consulates look nicer than any house I'm allowed to step foot in).

Anyway, I find this spot. I am SHOCKED that there's enough room for maybe 4 cars to line up at. Then I see these weird signs claiming that it's no parking from this hour to that hour and this and that. I then get to the part about saturday parking. 8am to midnight is when the meters run on that street. I had to pay something like 8 bucks to park on the fucking street so the meter wouldn't run out, and on top of that, the meter wouldn't go to midnight, it'd stop at 11:59pm. But whatever.

I met Romil up. We had a drink each, left the bar to scope out the new "pub" next to Sutton Place, realized it was rock bottom with blue neon lights, and then looked in Sutton Place and realized that was pretty weak, so we went back to Opal.

We drank for a bit, waited for Loki to park his car, which also took forever for him to find a spot, and sat around drinking and watching the Colts/Ravens game til that was done. All paid our seperate tabs (which was a shocker to us cause romil's tab and mine were the same, and he was the one ordering nothing but scotches aged 15 years or so where as I was getting well gin and tonics the entire time).

We then went to Sutton Place. I pissed and when I came back (dude, this story is all coming back to me as I type this, I had a bad case of amnesia when I woke up and typing is making it all come out. Spooky scary). Anyway, where was I? Oh yea, so I piss and come back and Loki has a giant glass of gin and tonic waiting for me. I mean like GIANT, or at least that's how my memory is perceiving it. Hell, in my mind, when I see gin and tonic, I imagine it as this bowling ball sized glowing goblet with little angels singing from the heavens. Anyway, a few sips in, and Romil and Loki saying how "it's that part of the night" cause i was saying random shit to people as they'd walk by, I hear someone come up to me and call me by my full, birth, name. I hear "MICHAEL!" I am like "who in the fuck calls me that?" (Loki even said something along the lines of; in all the years I've known you, i never heard anyone call you that so many times in one night). Yea, it was one of my cousin's. Her and her two friends were in the same bar as us. you know that was gonna be trouble. Well, ok, maybe YOU didn't, but I know her (obviously) and I knew trouble was a'brewin'.

we went upstairs to the middle floor bar (for those of you not in the know, Sutton Place is 3 levels of bars. A floor level, a mid level, and a rooftop level that is always a little more high priced than the other 2 levels). Up there... I had to piss again. When I came out, I see this mongoloid of a guy trying to hit on my cousin and her two friends. Dude was all hunched over them like his name was Igore. I went over to grab her and her friends for shots, so at least I could see what her friends were working with here, and tell my cousin "don't talk to that mongoloid." She goes "Oh my GOD, do you know him?" I go "no, I wouldn't want to know him, just fucking come here, grab your friends. We're doing shots." I asked what they wanna drink. Not one answer out of them. Me and Loki looked at each other with the look of realization we were gonna have to take control of this. All I heard was my cousin say "anything but tequila" and next thing i know me and Loki are telling the bartender to give up 5 shots of tequila and 2 of rumple minz (the 2 shots of the minz were for he and I, obviously, haa). All I heard was "blegh!" left and right from the girls as me, Romil and Loki all took our shots like they were that pink medicine we all got as a child (what the fuck was that again? tasted like bubblegum... made from fungus... dammit, what is that shit? I know I should know this simple answer but am too out of it to blurt out sciency words right now. Eh, fuck it, TJ will text me the answer after he reads up to here later, wont you TJ).

Um, yea. Where was I going with this damn thing. My side tracking is at an all time high with this blog today.

Oh yea, so that's where it all went to shit. It was soon discovered my cousin's friends were those kinda girls who don't look good but act like they should be treated as royalty and are better than you and shit. Had we not left them, we would have probably had a good time watching me belittle these skags my cousin calls her firends.

All else I remember is going to Premavera for their disgustingly over priced, nothing special, pizza. I remember Loki and I sitting there, doing the David Hasslehoff, having over our pizzas at the bench when you first walk in, grunting at each other with pizza in our mouths and pretending we're having a real conversation.

Then I wandered off and according to my texts from Romil around 2am, I went MIA.

I woke up this morning, and like I said to him and Loki in a text when I got to work (yes, after a long night of drinking, i come into the office on a sunday to open the fucking office and get shit done... FUCK, I just remembered I left a pile of crap to do in the back. Eh, it's on someone else's desk, maybe they'll think they have to do it). Oh yea, this is where I write what I texted them. I said something like I felt as if I was the dude from Momento and I was going on Reciepts and pieces of pizza scattered across my passenger seat as clues as to what the fuck happened last night. I seriously woke up with beernesia (yes, I just made that up. Definition: when you drink so much you forget who you are, what day it is, where you are and what you did last night... fuck, I'm putting that up on urban dictionary right now... fuck, it's in there already). Anyway, yea. pizza and reciepts. That's what I had to go by. And from what I can see. 40-something spent at opal, 50-something (on shots alone) at Sutton Place, 60 dollars taken from the ATM outside Premavera and what looks like cheese covered onion slices and what I imagine is oregano scattered across my passenger seat. Oh yes, I drove down my street throwing these pieces of pizza out my window into neighbors driveways and lawns.

And you think tonight is gonna be relaxed? NOPE. Apparently I'm meeting up Loki and Stathi for some football engergized boozing. If this is anything like last year when we'd go out every sunday after I got outta work, I am in for hell (and by hell, I mean just a saucy good time). We would meet up in Suffern, have a drink and watch the first quarter of a game, head out to some Jersey bar called Burbon Street where it was nothing but fat old men in football jerseys of their favorite teams yelling drunkenly at the massive amounts of tvs in that place, and then after the game head back to suffern where we'd just start off with mind erasers and I'd be seen LIT UP running around screaming drunken nonsense as we drank well into the morning (especially if Stathi was closing up the bar? FORGET IT! There's been times where he'd lock up and we wouldn't leave the place til 11am the next morning.)

So yea, although Stathi doesn't work at that bar in Suffern anymore, I am pretty sure tonight will still be ridiculous. (man, I miss those deep fried tortilla chips and home made salsa they had at that bar... I am such a fat ass).

And Monday? I dunno what the plan is monday, but I'm sure the first person to tell me they don't have work and wanna do some midday boozing, I am down for that.

It's A Party

Today, January 11th 2010 marks my 27th birthday and yet another year I realize I have not gone anywhere with my life. So, to forget, I am going to be drinking myself stupid at the bar and probably bringing back the tour de fat that Scott and i used to do a few years ago (we'd basically just do a drunken trek across The Greenwich village to get meal after meal at various locations and sometimes even stop at this deli in Inwood on the drive home).

Who? Belligerent drunks who are down for last minute happenings.

What? the destruction of my liver for yet another year

When? Probably when I get my fat ass out of bed, shower, and get dressed... so about 9pm the earliest we're looking at.

Where? Off The Wagon: 109 Macdougal St (between Bleeker and W 3rd)

Why? My birthday + dollar beer specials running all night = probable disaster

How? Well, you see, when alcohol enters the blood stream, it inebriates you to a point and.... I think it's a lot easier to say I am a lush whose social circles include other lushes.

Yes, I know this is very last minute, but I never really ever like celebrating my birthday cause it just gets me depressed that I'm getting older and have nothing to show for it. Eddie called me earlier tonight asking if I wanted to go to Off the Wagon for dollar beers and I said sure (mainly because he said he'd be my sugar daddy and pay for most if not all of my drinks.. which is the equivalent to saying you'll donate money to build a new wing at a prestigious school) and decided to do this and post it on here since most of you creepy weirdos stalk me on this thing or twitter and it's easier than sending out mass texts or emails (ok, maybe texting or emailing would be easier/better, but I don't like getting swarmed with fucking texts or emails of stupidity all the time).

Done and Done (and yes, that picture of Danzig with a party hat and balloons is quite possibly the best birthday card ever made)

...oh yea, and a designated driver for me would just be peachy.

Wiki Bombing: I

We all know I am the king of photobombing. I mean, how many of you have made someone infuriated just by bombing a photo of theirs? I have done so on several occasions to the point where physical violence has occured (a girl ones slapped the shit out of me to go away at a bar a few years back).

Anyway, I get fucking bored as shit at work and look up people that make me disgusted and bomb the shit out of the wikipedia pages about them (or as they call it, "vandalism"). Yesterday, I changed up the page on that SKAG, Christine "Forbidden" Dolce, cause it always bothered me that she was some floozy with fake tits who all of a sudden became this famous person (granted her fame died faster than my brain cells after a week long bender).

Anyway, here is what I did before I left work yesterday:



If you can't read it, first of all get glasses (and you have to click on the photo to see the whole thing). If you don't wanna get glasses, go through the updates to her wikipedia page from January 9th to see what was done (cause i know it's been reverted back to what it was originally already, dammit)... or if I'm in a good mood, ask me and I'll type it out (although, i probably am just saying that).

But yea, I dunno. All I gotta say is, come January 19th, that page on MTV's Jersey Shore is going DOWN! (apparently there's a lock on the page til that date so only certain people can edit that page. Oh Snooki, you're skin that looks like its a turkey bast is gonna get trashed like no other.

Eerie Von Book Signing, Alcohol, and Being at Each Other's Throats

Act 1:

So, last night I went to Loki's to meet up him and JV. JV and I sat around, he playing that new Super Mario for Wii as Sam read off walkthroughs for each level, I sitting on the computer wasting my life waiting for Loki to get home from work. We were waiting for Loki cause we were all gonna go down together to the city. Loki opted to fall asleep right after getting home, so JV and I decided to just book it to the city.

Sitting in traffic is never fun. Bridge and Tunnel traffic is even worse and the fact we wanted to get to the place a little before the whole shebang went down was even more annoying. For an hour and a half we sat in traffic waiting to get across the Lincoln Tunnel to get to the damn show. Let me say that again, an hour and a fucking half of sitting in traffic. Once we hit Manhattan we booked it down 9th ave and made it pretty far down before we hit a red light. We found a spot not too far from Generation Records, paid for parking, and walked to the place. We got there and I had to pick up this card that I would then have to hand to someone later to get my copy of the book we were there for the signing of.

We missed most of the set, but got to see them (Eerie Von, Lyle Preslar and Mike D'Antonio) perform To Walk the Night, Killer Wolf and an Elvis song (I can't remember which one off the top of my head right now). JV took a video of them doing To Walk the Night on his video camera thingie which I'm sure he'll put up on youtube once he realizes no one is gona be posting anything online any time soon.

After they were done playing, Eerie was like "ok, lets sign some books!" and me and JV were apparently right next to the front of the line when we were looking at t-shirts. JV ended up buying the death dealer Samhain shirt I picked up a few months back at Generation (it is quite possibly my favorite shirt right now... and that sentance was quite possibly the gayest thing I've said in 2010 so far). Eerie walked up to JV while heading to the table to sign shit and I was like "what is that wonderful smell?" I looked up and saw he was holding an almost finished bottle of Jim Beam and some beer. After Eerie walked off, Jv looks at me and goes "i wanna see what a night out of drinking would even be like if the two of you went out together." (I was informed earlier last month this "he is a rude lush just like you.")

The signing was kinda funny. Eerie and I just kinda didn't know what to say to one another and it was kinda one of those convos where both parites just go "yep" back and forth to each other which was always portrayed in King of the Hill when the guys would just sit around drinking beer and going "yep". Tom Bejworkicz struck up a short lived convo with me about They Live since I was wearing my Obey shirt with the news caster alien in front of it. This convo was cut off by Eerie asking if we'd seen some movie caleld invasion of frog people or something like that. This was followed by I believe JV talking with him about that as Tom and I kinda just shrugged our shoulders and were like "yea, ok. what they said." Eerie had extended an invite to come with the guys after the signing to a Mexican joint for eats and drinks. That sounded like a fun idea til we went upstairs to go outside and I literally bumped into Chud who was trying to be all incogneato with his glasses on and a hoodie up (but how incogneato can you be when you're wearing a beanie with a giant logo of the band you used to be in across your fucking forehead?) While outside smoking he kept glancing over in our direction and we knew he'd probably be at the mexican place and that would just be awkward as all hell (if you don't know the back story to why, just know it'd be awkard as all hell).

Act 2:

So yea, Jv and I had to pee and were hungry and wanted to go someplace warm to sit down and eat. I suggested Ben's Pizza cause well, it's fucking pizza and it's the only one I could think of in that area with a bathroom, seating arrangements and good pizza. Of course we can't even eat in peace cause bums in New York have the nerve to walk into establishments that dont have door men or bouncers to keep riff-raff out and this fucking bum came right up to us trying to do magic tricks with a deck of cards. Man was sloppy as shit and I watched as he was not at all sly in any of his movements. I watched as he tried sliding my card to the top of the deck. Failed. He got JV's card right, but he fucked up when he was sliding my card around and it just didn't come up. Also, the whole thing where he tries to hold the card on the backside of your hand trick... yea. not too suave about that. And yes, I am critiquing a bum's card handling ettiquette.

After we were done, eating, pissing, etc. We went back to Generation. The crowd was still there and so was Sal Bee and Chud who were hanging out with some people in the store. We decided it would be in our best interests not to stick around. I texted Romil cause he said he was gonna be at Union Bar with Dan. They were still there so we put money in the meter to last til 10pm (aka when parking is free) and hopped a cab to Union Square. First of all, fuck that cabbie. Second of all, apparently I was with JV the first time he's ever ridden a taxi in NYC. We got to Union bar and Dan and Romil were hanging out with Mel and her friend at the back end of the bar. We met up had like 2 drinks and then went to this other fucking bar I forget the name of but wasn't too fond of. My sister met us up, followed by Scott and Jose who came from work and then Loki showed up. a few round of shots were given to me cause my birthday is coming up on monday (ugh, kill me) and shortly after JV told me Ed was in the city at some bar his cousin works at. Me, JV, Loki and my sister left for this place.

Act 3:

Where did we end up? a damn japanese styled bar with a liquor bar in the front when you walk in and a sushi bar in the far back. It was also karaoke night there last night. Apparently JV and my sister conspired to sign me up to sign Poker Face by Lady Gaga. Yea, all I hear is "Ramy... the birthday boy. You're signing." I go up and am like "what the fuck did you assholes sign me up for?" I looked down at the screen and was like "loooord!" Yea, JV filmed the whole slow motion train wreck. At points I was just garbling my words and filling in my own words. At one point I said something like "crazy niggas" and then looked up to realize that the table in front of me was nothing but black couples... all staring at me. This was followed by me noticing one of the karaoke hosts was coming towards me for a second and i was sure he was gonna grab the mic from me. He didn't though and let me go on making it known I am the shame of my family. A buncha high kicks and Axl Rose shimmies and some horribly off key singing later and that train wreck pulled into the station for it's final destination; Fail town. I'm sure the horrors witnessed at that point in the night will be up on youtube a while after whenever it is JV wakes up today.

Apparently around this time there was some altercations between Dan and Jose. From what I'm told Dan said some shit to Jose, Jose went outside cursing, some guy heard Jose and thought he was directing at him, comes over to confront Jose and without a word being said, Jose just decked the guy and then realized the dude he punched was with 4 other dudes, so Jose ran into a cab and headed back to his place in Brooklyn, and because of that, we lead to...

Act 4:

For a while we were sitting around drinking and watching people bomb at karaoke and making jokes as we got drunker and drunker. This is around the time I started getting calls and texts from Scott asking me where Jose was and that he left his jacket and cellphone at the last bar. Then Romil called. Mind you I texted both of them several times with the address to where we were located at. They showed up one by one. Scott and Loki went off to McDonalds and apparently ate 2 meals each. I sat around with my sister, JV and Ed cause shortly after talking to Dan and Romil, the two of them left.

We left shortly after. Scott and I said our goodbyes to Loki and JV and we split for our cars. Scott and I walked in the freezing cold back to the west side, talking and BSing. Giving Scott my stories of experience with the opposite sex and how I handle things, and how he shouldn't handle them. And, as usual, every story I had was followed with "That's horrible" or "how could you do that? Jesus."

We finally got back to the car (after me freaking out that my car wasn't in the spot I parked it in, followed by me remembering I didn't even park it on that street, but the block over) and I drove Scott back to his car that was parked off of McLean ave in Yonkers.

As I was getting into bed, I got a text from Scott saying Jose's keys were in the coat pocket Scott was holding onto and I told him there is no way I was driving back to Manhattan at 4 in the morning. I passed out and woke up wanting to kill myself due to sinuses and a hungover, both leading to a major headache this morning.

Tonight, I think I'm going to Loki's. Dunno for sure wanted to go to the city to meet up with Natasha for drinks, but who knows what the fuck is going on now. For all I know, Loki is planning some big shebang of a house party in my name. I am never one for my own birthday (I think Aker said... or quoted star trek, that I treat my birthday like a funeral). Eh, Whatever. Someone let me know what the fuck is going on cause otherwise I'm gonna just lay in bed all night.

The Bender to Ender December Part IV/Happy Moo Year

Yes, in 2010 cows will take over the world. It's inevitable and I am rambling utter gibberish because I'm bored at work. Instead of finishing off part 3 of the "bender to ender december" rants, I'll start anew with it being the new year and all as well as it sounding like some kinda lame sci-fi book you'd make fun of the kid with thick framed glasses in your 5th grade algebra class for reading (funny, those stupid glasses are "in style" these days. Bah!)

ANYWAAAAY, um yea. to recap... you know what? The night(s) I wrote about in the part 3 of that rant were somewhat interesting (well, I found it humerous sifting over what to use as a recap here). Maybe I'll finish it up and post it after this thing when I get even more utterly bored at work.

So yea, I dunno. the Gorgeous Frankenstein and Danzig show the day after Christmas was fun. I apparently just pissed everyone off that night. My sister was annoyed with me before we even got in the car to pick up Jared and his girlfriend from the city to head to the show. My sister basically said I was rude, inconsiderate, obnoxious and annoying. Then, went off on how she's surprised I still have any friends in my life and so on. I was reminded of how much of an annoying jerk I was that night by Bob telling me how everyone was going on about how annoying and obnoxious I was being and Loki had been covering for me the entire weekend by saying "it was the day after Christmas. Danzig was playing. These things happen."

I'm trying to remember what else happened that week.

Monday recap went like this: Played Modern Warfare 2 with Scott online for a few hours. Layed in bed miserable and annoyed for most of day when Scott left to go to work. Eddie called, told me to meet him and Janell up for drinks. Went to city. Bar was full of deaf people doing sign language cause it was some kinda deaf people mixer. I farted on two girls to see if they could hear it and were really deaf or just pretending to be... one girl wasn't deaf and yelled. Tried making on this one hot blond and used her fat not so attractive friend as an in by talking to her. This was shut down by some creepy dude who would hover over the girls as he kept trying to move in closer for a kiss or something was all over them with his 2 older, balder friends who stunk of cheap dominican cigars did this Night at the Roxbury double team pincer move on the girls so they had no where to run as the initial creepazoid pressed forward to pin them into the bar's counter. Then, I noticed these girls walk in and one was wearing a tiara. I HAD to talk to them cause you just KNOW the girl with the tiara in aiming to get RE-TAR-DED! it was her 21st birthday and I didn't get much time to talk to her cause before you knew it, these Beagel Boys clods (yea, like the DuckTales reference?) pounced without a second thought. It was bad cause I was trying to go back and forth between the blond with the meh looking friend and the birthday girl and her friends while these dirt bags kept going back and forth. It was like a horrible trade off that lead to both parties leaving because they could not stand the weirdo and his two cigar smelling friends. The whole time Eddie and Janell were laughing.

Annoyed at the whole situation I went outside for a smoke. Mind you, the bums were in full force that night and I emptied out my wallet and hit all my loot in a pocket and would show my wallet was empty and say "i'm here to watch the game cause I can't even afford a tv in my squat of an apartment" and they'd usually leave me alone. I was preparing for another bum to try and ask me for money for vodka or try and sell me some dirt weed but instead was confronted by this kinda cute girl that was taller than me. Some bum started saying she was NBA, and then corrected himself and said she was WNBA, which lead to me basically telling him he's a rude prick and to get the fuck outta there. This lead to her saying how cute I was and telling me how she grew up in Texas but now she lives extremely close by and basically insinuating that we should go back to her place to bang like two cymbals in an overworked marching band (yes, I took that reference from Scott cause it's just too funny not to use). I think this is around the time Scott got cut off from the nightly update by me saying something along the lines of "I may or may not be going home with a huge texan girl... for sex." Around this time she said we should go back inside for some more drinks and hang out for a bit before we leave. As I'm walking in, this older guy with a fucking Toucan Sam beak for a nose just grabs her by the arm, goes "where the hell have you been? I haven't seen you in forever," and then starts jamming his tongue down her throat. I just sit there, look in shock at what just went down in front of me, and mutter aloud "are you fucking kidding me?" Around this time Eddie and Janell were calling it a night so I just bought some pizza, angrily ate it in my car muttering angry gibberish to myself with a mouth full of the pizza and then headed to Scott's to drink and go off on an angry rant like a fucking beast.

Tuesday... can't remember much. I think I just sat home, played some games, watched tv and recooperated from Monday.

Wednesday, Me Sott and M.Dani went to go skiing/snowboarding out at Mountain Creek in Vernon, NJ. It was the first time the 3 of us went since March of last year (it was the end of the seasons and most of the trails were closed and what trails were open were either ice or mud at a lot of parts). But yea, who would have thought that the day before New Years Eve would be so fucking packed? The main lot was over flowing with cars. The second lot was basically filled up for the most part too. It was ridiculously packed. I mean, jesus. We'd just sit there at times waiting for heards of idiots to go ahead of us, or we'd try and get a good headstart down a hill before a large group of people went down. Things that pissed us off that caused us to leave earlier than planed went as such: 1) Annoyed at little children getting in our way or barreling into us. 2) Scott's knees were hurting. 3) Mike took a spill and hurt his tailbone bad. 4) the kicker of all, some dumb bitch cut me off at the bottom of the slope near the chairlift, causing me to stop short and lose my balance, leading to me smacking my head really hard on a big thing of ice.

To add insult to injury, after walking for what seemed like forever back to the car carrying our gear and wearing our boots the entire walk there, we went to Burger King for lunch, only to discover that not only was the line like somethoug out of the great depression (with me at one point complaining, "can i just get my bread and government cheese and be on my way?") but the ONLY woman working the register was a chatty-cathy who would not shut the fuck up. To add even more of an annoying insult to this severely wounded beast of a line, this fucking ugly fat kid with a frog face kept trying to be smooth and funny with the woman working the register. I was so annoyed at how slow the line was moving that I wanted to set a trend of fast paced movement. What I did was just banged out my order as fast as possible and had my wallet in hand anxiously awaiting her to tell me the price. Do you know what this mongoloid did instead of ringing me up to tell me the price? She starts telling me how she wants a purple snowboarding jacket just like mine and she was gonna make it my mission to go out and find her a jacket just like mine. I am staring at her blankly in shock that she starting up a retarded go no where conversation with me while a mod of angry and annoyed people waiting on a line that should not be as long as it was getting stand behind me. Scott just butted in and goes "YEA! IT'S FUCKING GOD KENNEDY GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD ON THE BACK OF THIS THING TOO! WANNA SEE?" to try and get her to shut up. Around this point I just threw a 10 at her figuring my order couldn't have any more than that at tops. I think as I took my change and walked away very disgruntled the damn bitch kept rambling on and on while Scott waited to give his order for his and Mike's meals. Not shortly after it was pointed out to me while waiting for our food (which fucking took forever to be served to us by one of the many fat disgusting sad excuses for human life that was working the kitchen) that Burger King's soda fountains have reccomendations for what kinda soda goes good with what meals as if it's some kinda fancy high end restaurant reccomending what wines go well with certain meals.

We ate, we left, I fell asleep in the car, which i probably shouldn't have done after reciving such a nasty blow to the head earlier not too long before we ate, and then went home. I told my mother about me hitting my head hard on the ice and she flipped out (if you don't know my mother, she worries alot about stupid shit). I kept telling her to leave me alone when she kept asking me to go to the hospital to have my head checked out. It wasn't til I layed down on my bed and put my head to the pillow that my nose started gushing this clear watery blood out my nose like a guiser for a few moments. I started wiping my nose repeatedly til it stopped and around this time my mother came to check on me and sees my nose and hands covered in blood and I go "hey, yea... about the hospital? How about we go now?"

She took me to the emergency room since it was the only thing opened. Some doctor probed my nose and ears with the scope thingie to see if it was CSF or not that had been coming out of my nose. he said it mostly looked like a nosebleed but it sounded weird that it came out the color I described it. He then did some neurological tests on me to see if anything was off. Said my reflexes are pretty damn good and that I don't give off any signs of being in danger. He offered to have a cat-scan done to my head if I wanted but I was like "whatever" and didn't care at that point.

I came home and fell asleep only to wake up to my mother calling me at 9am to pick her up from the mechanic, followed by my dad actually calling me to see if i was alright and that he heard from my mother that I was in the hospital the night before. I made the conversation quick and went outside to discover that it was snowing bad and that the streets weren't cleared that well if at all. I got my mom, oafed around the house for a bit, took a shower and headed to Loki's to hang out til the show started. This turned into me, Germs, Bob and JV meeting up Eric and his dad at the studio to pick up JV and Loki's equiptment they were gonna use for the show they were playing right before midnight for new years (which reminds me, I wonder if JV got the other half of his cab set that Eric took since I couldn't fit it in my car at all yesterday).

After lugging heavy ass amps, cabs, guitars, a bass and Loki's "fridge" of electronics and techincal guitar robotics or whatever that moster of a box is filled with, we headed off to Dingbatz. When we got there, we discovered that even thought they were supposed to have opened a half an hour before we got there, the place was still not open. We debated on what to do. Bob reccomended we go across the street to Dingos for beer and nachos. We got beer, but they didn't have nachos, so loki ordered a round of bar pies for all of us that were pretty damn good. Ciccone showed up to Dingos to hang out til we finished eating to open up Dingbatz. Then came the load in that was not too bad. Well, better than Germs saying that us loading up all the shit from the studio was by far the worst load up he's ever seen in his life cause we all just sat there with our dicks in our hands looking around aimless and lazy.

The show wasn't bad. Not that I really paid attention to any of the opening bands being that I was in the back room swigging Rumple Minz with Loki and drinking vodka from the bottles we took with us from his house to chug-a-lug before Gotham Rd's set. For once, I can say I wasn't an out of hand drunk as usual. That crown went to Loki and he proved he was the king of brash actions. He was pretty smashed in the backroom, towards the end of the second band's set he was running around like a bull, charging at people and shit (their set was pretty wild. It included confetti, which was kinda dick since there was a giant mess after that, people going apeshit at the end of their set, and it ended with the center monitor breaking).

While the Zombie Mafia played the backroom was PACKED with all of us just getting rowdy and stupid. it even included a freestyle jam between Bob and Brian which was very briefly accompanied by me doing fist pumps and dancing like a jackass to their song. I'm sure JV will post a video he took of all that online, announce it's up on facebook and use that as yet another excuse for him to give me shit about not being on facebook when I find out about it later (speaking of which, I realized my youtube updates told me about a video he uploaded and tried using as an excuse for me to join facebook, so ha! Other than that, Loki and Renee sat there talking to me about how out of control I usually am and so on. Loki kept telling me it's his turn to be like that cause every time we go out, especially this past week, he's been going out of his way to cover for me and apologize to people for my rude behaviors. Somehow this gave him the ok to hit me in the head lightly cause i was complaining about not wanting people touching my head.

The guys eventually went on, rocked the house til about 11:55 or so, Mike spoke for a little bit, everyone did the generic new years countdown and then went with the barage of drunken hugs, bottle clankings, etc. followed by the band eventually kicking things back up to levels of SLAY. Their set really got the crowd going after that and like JV put it yesterday, it was like old school days at Connections. Ciccone even had to chokehold some drunkard and drag him out during the set cause the guy was a mess and Ox was shoving the guy away from him every time he'd go near Ox. What was a bad move was that this other band was set for last. I remember at one point, when I was sitting next to JV's setup I stuck my head through the curtain to the backroom and saw the last band hanging out back there with this upset look of "we have to go on after this?" to add insult to injury, the band broke out Scream which wasn't evne planned on the set and I think Loki just broke out the main riff and the rest of the guys went with it, JV looked at me and Eric shrugging his shoulders as to insinuate he was just gonna go with it and keep playing til someone finally realized they had to stop playing. After they finished playing, the place CLEARED OUT and barely anyone was there for the last band, which i mean, they're a pretty decent band, but to try and top what went on right before them was impossible. We hung out outside and in the backroom til the last band was done for us to finally start to breakdown and pack all the shit to head back home.

Oh, I forgot this kid from Germany who is a big fan of the band showed up with one of his friends from back in Germany. We invited them to hang out before the set and talked to them for a little bit before Loki took them and this girl who came from Japan to the local train station so they could catch a train back to whever they were staying in NYC. Eventually we finally packed up everything into our cars and headed for the studio only to realize the main door that's almost never locked, was indeed locked and none of us had a key to it. Not only that, but Sam who I had rolled up in a drunken ball in my backseat between one of JV's cabs and his bass was complaining of being sick from being so drunk and I refused to drive til she puked, and puked she did... and then even more later when we got home.

When we all got back to Loki's to do a post-party, I just threw some sweatpants on, grabbed a blanket, cocooned myself on the couch, rolled in a ball with my ass up in the air like a drunk mess and started drunk moaning til I passed out.

Friday morning, I woke up to Bob cooking breakfast and the twilight zone was still on (apparently he left it on and just left it on when he woke up. The two of us sat around watching Twilight Zone and Ghostbusters til we had to leave for the studio as well as pick up Germs from the hotel he was staying at with this girl from Kentucky who came up for the show. After that, I headed back to Loki's and met him there, watched some of Ghostbusters 2 til he left to help Mary fix her flat tire and I went to get taco bell since the closest thing I had to a meal all day beforehand was cigarettes and orbit gum. I came back to Loki's and ate taco bell and then hung out BSing with JV for a bit til Loki and Mary came back. Bob went to pick up the girl from Kentucy to hang out with us and around that same time is when the drinking commenced, only to be briefly stopped for me, Bob and Kentucky to go pick up some food and supplies from the supermarket that was needed.

We came back, ordered a pie and watched Ghostbusters on blu ray since Bob and JV never seen it on blu ray before. This was followed by Loki and Mary coming back from picking up more drinks and ice and followed by watching Ghostbusters on blu ray with "slimer vision" or whatever it was called with the small video box on the bottom right side interviewing cast and production people and so on and so forth. This was followed again by popping in the Exorcist, Bob dropping the Kentucky girl back off at her hotel and then eventually everyone drunkenly passing out and me having to wake up at 8am to drive back to ny to get dressed into something a little more civilized and head on over to work where I have wasted most of the day typing this and eating chinese food.