The Bender to Ender December Part II

So, monday wasn't all that bad... for me at least. Kinda quiet (minus me screaming over my headphones on xbox live while I played Modern Warfare 2 with Scott earlier in the day). Basically monday was a day of lots of sleep to make up for the complete lack of sleep I got between Thursday and Sunday night.

Woke up to a bunch of texts from different people and then talked to Scott to find out he's in the dumps cause he was dumped... or something like that. I never really sat down and talked to him seriously for more than a few minutes of the subject (some friend, eh?)

So, what did I do? I was planning on going out tuesday for dollar beers or something but it turned into me taking Scott out to um... where the FUCK did we go? Oh yea, we went to Opal where Dan and Romil were hanging out having drinks together. We had a few drinks there and just shot the shit. There was some office party of some sort being held there. It was just this old dirty fucker with a bunch of young hot girls and some other old bag of a woman with them too. One girl had these RIDICULOUS boobs, and a nice ass. Jesus. This guy Dan kept refering to as "The Jersey Shore" kept hitting on her for a while net to us and we just kept making comments aomngst ourselves about how disgusted we were with this. At one point Romil accidentally spilled a beer all over Dan's coat and on Scott. This resulted in him making it up to us (even though I don't think anything really got on me) being given a round of this 15 year old scotch he just discovered recently. It was pretty good.

After a few rounds, we packed up our shit and left for across the street to this wine bar that Dan's friend was working at for the night. We just kept ordering rounds of gin and tonics til we got pretty shitted up. I think this was followed with shots of Jameson and that's around the time I was like "welp, I'm retarded right about now." Did I mention that when this girl serves us, she basically just pours an entire glass of gin and then puts like 3 droplets of tonic? All I pretty much remember in there was rounds of gin, fucking with the plug in menorah, and her being a fool for giving me and Scott quetionares to fill out. Some classic names written down were my "I. Ron Hyde" with the email "TransformersRule@gmail.com" and Scott's "Al B. Tross". Rory Calhoon got a few messages in basically saying something about wanting to motorboat "the blond with big cans". Haa. Dan kept telling us to be civil, but seriously, you put forms to fill out at a bar in front of drunk people with witty minds and what do you expect?

Around this time I was outside having a cigarette and I was informed that the girl was telling off Romil... so I of course continued to stay outside since last time I saw this girl I was informed she said I had many deep seeded issues (the time before that time I was kicked out the bar she worked at 3 times in one night... a new personal best if you ask me). Around this time Jose was texting me asking where we were so he could meet us up. He later found us across the street at this over priced pizza joint we eat at cause in that area of town, that's considered the cheaper of the pizzerias. That, and it's right next to all the bars. While ordering, Dan would ask for shit like "that 15 dollar slice over there" and "your premium 20 dollar bottled water" just being a dick to the guy cause of something that happened a while ago when he was in there once. We ate, Jose found us and we hopped in the car to give Dan a ride home.

We were all yelling shit at the window to people we were passing by. Of course, the one time I yell something out the window turns ugly. I yelled at some fat slob "Nice posture, fat ass!" This resulted in some guy, who I didn't even direct the comment to, chasing us 2 blocks down the street to a red light I was at, sticks his face in the window and goes "YEA! YOU SO TOUGH NOW?" I said "excuse me? was I talking to you?" He then kicked my car, goes "Yea, how do you like that?" and then runs off. Scott goes "did that guy just kick your car? Congratulations guy, you just kicked a car that no one cares about." We all started laughing hysterically at how retarded this guy was. Did I mention he looked like what I imagine Louis CK would look like if he just didn't shave at all?

But yea, after dropping Dan off, it was agreeded that we should all go to Down the Hatch for dollar beers. You know that feeling when you realize what was once a good place to have fun at is starting to make you feel old? Yea, it's starting to get like that when we go in there sometimes and tuesday night was one of those nights. The only fun we really had was when Scott just started bumping into some girl on purpose pushing her back and I was behind her, stomping my foot repeatedly at her like a horse in heat or something. She got so fucking freaked out and just ran off as we busted out hysterically laughing at her.

Other than that, i don't really know of what else we did that was noteworthy. OH, how can I forget. The scenes we made while sitting at the bar before we left. Singing nonsense into Scott's ear, bear hugging him and basically dry humping him and telling him to "accept it" as this couple sitting next to us looked on in shock, awe and confusion. Me repeatedly taking the tongs from the bar and snapping them at Scott and Jose and then finally me insinuating that we steal as many straws from the bar as possible. Basically just Scott shoved a shit ton of straws in his coat pocket as I kept trying to shove cocktail straws down his back pocket while running out laughing our asses off.

All else I can remember about that night was being in the hot dog joint on the corner of 4th and 6th (what the fuck is that place called? Something like Papaya Dog?) Nothing but sexual references to food were made while in there such as when the guy asked me what I wanted to order I pointed to Scott who put an order in for me with his, saying "he's gonna give me a big kenish" and "he's all the hot dog I need." The guy behind the counter was bewildered.

Wednesday night we were gonna go to the city, but I forgot Dan said he was gonna take the two of us to see the Nets lose with his dad. We picked him up from this bar/restaurant called the Bicycle Club or something and then we got lost from there. Ended up taking horrible side roads for a half an hour to an hour. Horrible. Then we get there and parking is horrible. The staff of people who work there are horrible. the way to get into the place is horrible. the team is doing beyond horrible. The seats we had on the other hand were pretty fucking good.In fact, here's the picture I took to send to Romil to show him how close to the court we were:



Like I said, they lost and I lost for paying 13 dollars for a beer and bag of nacho chips with nasty cheese and budget salsa.

Thursday wasn't too eventful. we went to 7-11, got Watermellon Four Loco and I passed out on Scott's couch watching King of the Hill with him.

Friday, Oh, friday. Friday, Scott came home from work and we headed out to Union Bar to show him what I would be doing while he's usually at Sarah's on Fridays. Drank gin and gatorade on the ride down to the city. Got to Union Bar and first thing out of my booze serving godess' mouth after she said her hellos to me was "where are your partners in crime?" We had a few drinks and I got it in my head to try and get this hot mess of a woman to hit on Scott. How hot of a mess was she? I think the first glance I got of her was her eating a chunk of cheese and kinda swaying drunkenly to the music while sitting on her bar stool, followed by her finishing the cheese, getting up and dancing like a wounded animal. Oh, and her hair looked like a beret off to it's side... but it was all hair. She was too drunk to even remember to go up to Scott, as well as was too busy grinding up on any filth bag that was horny enough to grind up on her, and all my attempts to have a good laugh to myself went out the window. Jose eventually met us up and so did Mr Dani aka Mr Nauti (haaa, I think maybe Scott is the only one that'll get that joke). Around this time Scott ordered some kinda shot called the angry nazi or the something or other. lemme tell you how it tasted. Remember Big Red chewing gum? Yea, now imagine that made out of poison. Yep. it was all cinamon tasting until the after taste kicked in, then you wonder if you just drank arsenic. Around this time is when Scott brushed past some guy and yelled something like "get out of my way, black dude!" Jose grabbed Scott, Mike tried talking to the guys that were offended by Scott. I saw nothing being resolved so I butt into the conversation, and trying to sound all professional, saying "excuse me gentlemen what seems to be the problem?" They went off repeating what Scott said and then that they think he's a racist, etc. I then respond with "no need to fear, I fight for diversity."They all looked at each other like "what the fuck?" and were so confused about the whole situation they just started laughing. Confusion and stupity saved Scott's ass from a beat down.

Eventually Loki rolled up and around this time is when Mike and Jose took Scott to McDonalds to sober him up and get some food in his belly. Me and Loki hung out at the bar drinking and doing rumple minz shots as I cursed his name for ordering them. eventually he and I closed our tabs out and met the rest of the guys up at McDonalds and basically sat tehre eating fries and watching Scott be a drunken mess. We decided on heading to Joshua Tree for a little bit, but that ended in Scott passing the fuck out in my car, Mike heading home after showing up and Loki heading home shortly after that. Me and Jose finished our drinks, went back to the car where Scott was passed out, and I took Jose home and then took Scott back home.

You ever hear the stories I am the only one to witness? The stories that involve me trying to drop a very black out drunk Scott off at his home? It usually involves him thinking I am going to kill him and throw him in the woods. Where this idea came from, no one will probably ever know. But yea. 20 minutes of me VIOLENTLY shaking him to try and wake him followed a few times by banging his head into the inside of the passenger door is about what happened. Yelling at him to wake up and get out of my car. This resulted in me opening my door, and keeping it open just in case he tries locking me out of the car with this insane fear of me killing him, going to his side of the car and ripping the door open followed by me going "get the fuck out of my car, you're home!" He looks up, sees the bushes and trees across the street from his house and goes "OH NO! NOT THE WOODS!" and fights me off and then slams the door closed on me. I then ran back around to my side of the car to make sure he didn't close it on me and I just start raining blows of open palmed slaps at him to get him out... finally he gets up and is like "jeez, ok. fine," and staggered off towards his house.

Yesterday, what happened? I wake up after a long post work nap and wake up to find out Scott's car is having trouble in the snow and he needs me to drive and John and his girlfriend are in town from New Mexico. Head to John's grandfather's where he's staying and all 4 of us meet up at this bar down the street for a few drinks with John's aunt. We left and went to a bar that actually accepted credit cards and a few drinks turned into many. Then it turned into John's girlfriend slapping me hard in the face. I felt it was undeserved, but whatever. Apparently, she doesn't like people using the term "retarded" (even after John was quoting a part from Daniel Tosh's standup where that phrase was used excessively) and the creme de la creme that resulted in me getting slapped was I called John a vagina or something and then when i said "you're girlfriend's right here" she just got up and slapped me as hard as could be. I just sat there in shock that I got slapped by this girl I just met and is dating my friend. Um, what else can I say to besmirch this girl's image? Oh, her sherlock holms style of theory that I am gay because I chew gum. Yes, apparently people think I'm gay because I chew gum and her gay friends back in New Mexico chew gum. If you think about it, the theory is irrefutable, no? Oh, did I mention she works with children who are kinda slow? So yea, the term "retarded" is a no-no, using physical force instead of talking things out is a yes!

So yea, that has been the week so far. Lord only knows what tonight has in store, if anything.

Fat guy at work is trying to convince me to go to an office mixer. I'm trying to convince Scott to come with me cause i am not going alone and obviously cannot pick up a date to save my life (especially since just about every girl I know doesn't talk to me anymore because of something or another lately). This is gonna be BAD if I do go. Ugh. Whatever. gotta actually go back to doing something productive at work since I actually came in. UGH

The Bender to Ender December Part I

So, Around last Thursday is when I believe this little bender started. It was a busy day involving me running around handing in my paper on a social experiment, wasting a lot of my day with this long ass meeting that basically went no where and then following this up with rushing home, taking a power shower, doing the WORST ironing job of a lifetime with my shirt I was gonna wear to the party and then rush off to my office for our Christmas party. Yes, the party was held at the office this year instead of the Italian place we go to every year? Why? Because my office and company have been becoming stingier as the months go on in this shit show of an economy (the best excuse for being cheap asses is the fact they told us we're "going green" which basically means I get to sit in this cave of an office with little to no lights on cause that's cheaper and easier than going down the street to the hardware store and buying energy saving bulbs).

ANYWAY, so the party was rock bottom. I mean like ROCK bottom. The only saving grace of the party was as I parked the car, TJ called me saying the plans for his birthday changed and we'd be leaving early Thursday night instead of Friday afternoon. Yep, that meant I had an excuse to leave the party early, which was needed. I show up a little late and discover no one showed up except for like my boss and 3 other people so far. Did I mention this travesty was a pot-luck dinner? Yea, it was like an eat at your own risk party basically. The only good thing I ate the entire party was this Italian guy made meatless lasagna cause he knew I don't eat meat. It was fucking amazing. Who knew this guy could cook? Not me, all I know is I like to listen to his dry-wit bitter remarks about people. This Irish woman (who I barely see except for at work related parties or if she actually comes in to do work for once) is known for plowing through wine at the Christmas parties. She brought her in her own bottle. It looked like a fucking tank shell of white zinfandel, it was so big. My boss also brought in some kinda puerto rican rum spiked egg nog. I recall describing it to someone (or maybe I posted on my twitter about it?) that it tasted like creamy burning. It was so fucking strong. My boss refused to let me drink more than one shot of it... so I jacked another cup from someone else that was pussy footing around and not drinking theirs right away.

After I ate and realized the only thing that was going to happen was people were gonna get drunker and ask me stupid questions I didn't feel like having conversations about, so I made up the excuse that I had to leave in 10 minutes and needed to rush home.

got home, did the fastest and most half assed packing any man has ever seen (did I mention i forgot to pack my underwear and a pair of dress shoes?) and then went off to Pennsylvania with TJ. The car drive down wasn't bad. Lot of chain smoking and shooting the shit/catching up with each other since we barely see each other nearly enough (wow, way to make us sound like an old gay couple, Ramy. Good job!)

We got down there and watched some TV with Evan who was already down there. We waited for Dennis to arrive and showed up to this bar I've been to once with them YEARS ago. Apparently it's all filled with local college kids this time of year. Kids with horrible taste in fassion and music might I add. Fucking with them gave me great joy. One in particular became the running gag of the weekend. TJ pointed out that she was like Artimis from Always Sunny. We kept fucking with her BAD every time we'd go outside for a cigarette and see her out there. Just blatantly making fun of her to her face, throwing things down her cleavage, stepping on her feet and asking her why she's wearing flip flops when it's fucking freezing outside, etc.

By the end of that night we were propper shitted up. I was basically barking at some hispanic girl that, shortly after, Evan just started walking with her and her friends pretending to be with the group and trying to get in the car with her until she was like "what the hell? get out of here."

The next morning was harsh. Filled with bull testicals being thrown on Evan's plate and me doing little dances and off-color remarks as TJ was trying to do actual physical labor to work on his house he built out there. This went on for most of the day, followed by me drinking gin and getting stupid right before we left for Atlantic City. The car ride was filled with me complaining I had to piss bad and TJ refusing to pull over to let me piss on the side of the road and repeatedly telling me to hold it in while I kept saying shit like "if I get Uromisotisis, it's on your head." Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore, and made Dennis chug what little Gin and pineapple (an actual slice of pineapple, not the juice... what? I was fucking drunk and it sounded like a good idea). After Dennis was done chugging it, I took the red party cup, kinda did this positioning so my dick wasn't just hanging out in the middle of the back seat, and took a major piss, basically FILLING the entire cup. This went on as TJ kept screaming not to piss on his interior, Dennis kept laughing his ass off and taking pictures and Evan screaming to put my dick away and to not get piss on him. I threw the cup out the window and we heard the biggest flop sound I've ever heard in my life come from throwing a cup full of piss out the window (yes, this wasn't the first time I've pissed in some form of drink container and then flung it out the window on the highway, sometimes while driving by myself I've done this. THAT takes talent, ladies and gentlemen).

Umm... about 10 to 20 minutes after the whole pissing incident, I realized I forgot my jeans back at TJ's dad's place out in PA. I tell them him to turn around and he just yells at me saying we're an hour away from the house and he refuses to turn around, pulls over, and makes me sift through the trunk to make sure I'm not just being a drunk idiot and actually did pack it for the trip to AC. I don't know why he did that cause as soon as I got back in the car he basically didn't turn around and said that him, Dennis and Evan will cover for drinks and food and that I'll have to just make sure I find a club or something that doesn't ID.

What ended up happening is we get to the hotel, I make a scene at the lobby desk pretending me and Evan are gay lovers and start inquiring what the hotel's policy is on "love stains" saying shit like "now do we clean it? do you? or do we just pick up a bill with the cleaning costs?" Then we got to the room, I showered, got dressed and after we were all ready, went down to meet up Nick and his girlfriend at this steakhouse in the casino/hotel they were staying at. Did I mention this was the same steak house that I went to the time me, Loki, Stathi and Mikey thought it was a good idea that after drinking til about 3 or 4am, we decided to go to AC the night the Giants won the superbowl last year? Yea. I exactted my revenge on that place by sticking gum to the bottom of the table they seated us at. Fuck you pompus waiter that Loki kept mouthng back off to last time we were there!

After dinner (did I mention when I ordered the mozzerella and red peppers, it was mozzerella slices the size of my fucking face?), everyone just kinda scattered to play blackjack and what have you. Me and Dennis couldn't play cause I didn't have an ID and his recently expired and he's waiting for his new one in the mail. I would just hang around tables and wait for waitresses to come and ask if I wanted a free drink. Add this in with me and Dennis wandering around craps tables and realizing they don't card and playing craps, filled with more free booze, and this basically went on til like 5am. Around the time we were leaving, we went looking for Evan, who was at a blackjack table with the most boistrous black couple ever. The girl was on in her game and the guy was yelling shit like "WE GOIN' SHOPPIN! MY BABY GETTING CLOTHES! WE GETTIN HATS!" and other shit like "WE GETTIN FENDI AND NOT THAT KNOCK OFF THRIFT STORE SHIT!"

After everyone was done playing Tj and Evan discovered they were both comped 60 dollars at some diner in the casino. What did that mean? Us sitting there til 6am still drinking, and stuffing our faces trying to use up all 120 dollars TJ and Evan had to the place. We got pretty close. I think our bill was like 102 bucks? Maybe a little more? All I have to say is the Huevos Rancheros made for quite the interesting taxi ride back to our hotel (read that as me basically repeatedly farting on Evan the entire ride back followed with him yelling at me and saying I'm disgusting). Oh, and speaking of disgusting in the taxi ride back, did I mention that the guy driving the cab was basically a runner for hookers? Trying to tell us he can find us some nice asians who'll give us "nice massages". We got back to the hotel around 6:30am and passed the fuck out watching Married With Children.

The next morning we got up and drove to Philly (majority of the time filled with me and Evan singing "FLIP-FLIP-FLIPADELPHIA") cause they all wanted Philly Cheesesteaks. Lemme tell you, some of the people who eat at these cheesesteak huts are just flat out disgusting human beings. This one guy looked like a fucking bum. A real bum, not one of those fake bums you see in plays and on tv. He had this disgustingly obese daughter and 2 sons that looked like aspiring delinquents.

After they all ate, we drove around Philly just looking at stupid shit and saying stupid shit to people we'd drive by... eventually we got lost as fuck doing this and had to look up on TJ's phone where the nearest gas station was and then look up how to get home. I blame the vegetable egg white flatbread sandwich I had for the horrendous gas I kept blasting on TJ the entire ride back to PA (or at least until I fell asleep... Good job DnD's black coffee for keeping me awake!)

From what I remember of Thursday night back in PA was a MESS! Me, TJ and Evan went out to this one bar (where apparently you can still smoke indoors at) for a bit. I am pretty sure this one guy standing next to me didn't like the smoke, so I kept blowing smoke around his area whenever i could. At one point Evan told me I was a disgusting human being for not covering my mouth when I cough. This gave me the idea to do a questionare. I went up to this girl and go "excuse me, but do you think I'm a disgusting human being?" She goes "no... not really." I turn to Evan and say "SEE!" At this time, one of her friends starts dragging her away all creeped out by me and I just unleash a nasty cough right in the girl's face. The girl was mortified. A little later I went towards the bathroom and see a buncha girls huddled outside the girl's bathroom. I go "what's the matter?" One said the girls in the bathroom were taking too long. I made some coke reference with my fingers and my nose and then told them to just suck it up and use the guy's bathroom. One girl goes "I think someone's in there. I said something like "are you kidding me? There can't be" I then, with a heard of girls huddled around me to watch, grab the bathroom door by the handles and tug on it hard enough to swing the door flying open. This guy looks up with this face of shock and embarassment as he's pissing and goes "WHAT THE HELL!" I turned around and told the girl "I guess you were right, it's occupied." I then walk in and the guy is like "what the hell are you doing?" I go "I wanna piss, hurry up." The guy left right there.

I think we finally left that bar around the time they started playing that tik-tok song by Kesha and I started doing high kicks like David Lee Roth and screaming about how I wanna ram my dick in her ass. I guess it was time to leave that bar anyway, I noticed the bouncers were all starting to glare at me.

We walked from that bar to the bar we were at on Thursday. Walked in and it was over crowded with mongoloids left and right. I can't really remember all of what happened, I should ask Evan for some hints as to my actions, but whatever. Here's the highlights I remember. Just bumping into people and then yelling in their ear, screaming something about Lady Gaga getting it in the ass over and over and everyone in the bathroom laughing at how beligerent I was being with the whole pissing and screaming nonsense, bla bla bla. Oh, at one point that fucking song Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus came on and I started yelling to turn the fucking song off and get the dj the fuck out of the bar. This one girl was like "oh come on, you know you secretly love the song." Her big black boyfriend agreed with her. I look at the two of them and go "mother fucker, I grew up on Slayer and Wu-Tang." The girl just had this gavoney look to her so I start saying shit to her and she ignores me. I then said something like "you know, those highlights in your hair make the world go 'round, right?" Her response? "you can leave now." I responded with sarcastically bowing to her and going on about how "her majesty has graced me and now I must make leave of absence upon her request."

Like I said, I don't recall much of that night other than the above stated and hitting on some girl outside the bar as it was closing and that going nowhere (as usual). We went to get pizza and I ate like a slob (no surprise there) and followed this up with going back to the dad's house to find Dennis passed out on the couch and us sneaking up on him to fuck with him but he woke up cause I guess he could sense my booze stenched breath breathing heavily over him.

That sunday after revolved around me not wanting to wake up, or live for that matter ,and then basically lamenting on and on about wanting to go out to get lunch and go home back to NY for the majority of the day followed by me basically sitting in the house eating home made french fries they deep fried and then eventually getting back to NY. I took a mini nap and followed it up with going to Scott's to kill off a thing of margaritas he made out of some margarita mix he won at his company Christmas party's raffle.

I Wrote Holden Caulfield and so Did You

I don't even know where to start off cause I have so many thoughts raging in my head right now. All these things, jumbled up in my brain right now, thrashing left and right. It's like the fucking pits that would go down at a hardcore show during a breakdown back when CBGB was around. I'm just sitting here trying to keep from getting a roundhouse kick to the head right now.

Anyway... um yea.

Last night was so-so. It was kinda like jerking off and then not busting your nut off at the end. Met up Romil at Union Bar, AGAIN. Much like the night before, I miraculously got a parking spot a stones throw from the bar (getting good parking this past month is about the ONLY good thing to happen in my life and realizing this is probably gonna lead to me being severely depressed in a few minutes). But what the fuck was I saying? Oh yea, we met up and had a few drinks before it was time to get to the theater to see Mystery Team. I had maybe 2 or 3 gin and tonics and a shot of cafe patron or patron cafe... or whatever the fuck that coffee flavored tequila is fucking called. The bartender eerily looked like the splitting image of this girl I know/knew from Jersey. Unfortunately, she did not cut us a break like the girl who usually takes care of us when we go there (really, I cannot emphisize enough how hot that girl is and how she is a fucking saint for giving us deals on drinks and puts up with our jackassery).

Onward, we left for the theater. It was just about full when we got there but we managed to get good seats, if you consider the fact people who are well off have nicer home theaters in their basements than this dump, and you aren't ontop of each other in seats that barely fit your ass in. Seriously, it was like a theater for midgets. Rather large midgets, but midgets none the less. If not midgets, fat kids. But I am digressing like a mother fucker right now. I really wish people weren't idiots. what is it with some people that they have this need, want or desire to be complete morons when in the room with someone even remotely famous? Do you really have to laugh extra hard to obnoxious proportions at things that aren't even funny, just because the person may be a funny fellow? Seriously, Don Glover could have told the crowd the ingredients in a dishwashing detergent and these people would fucking LOSE it. I had the displeasure of sitting next to 3 asian kids like this. I couldn't hear half the fucking lines thanks to their dumb, stupid, forced laughter. Fucking just sit there and enjoy the fucking movie for what it is Goddammit. People like that are one of the many reasons I hate so much. I seriously sat there just staring at these kids several points during the movie, but Romil kept telling me to calm down and just ignore them. Kinda hard to ignore the elephant in the room when it's blasting his trunk in your face. There was a Q&A after the movie. Some of the questions were mentally crippling. Like seriously, I cant enjoy living with idiots like this in the world. Darwin was a fucking liar. It's not the fit that are surviving. IT's the spoiled ass-hat wearing children of mongolids that are thriving, and they need to be stopped... and on that note, i am going to stop talking about everything but the movie before this starts sounding like the makings of a manifesto in the vein of Ted Kaczynski.

but yea, how bout them yankees?

After the movie we met up Ronak, his girlfriend and their friends for Roank's girlfriend's birthday party. We didn't really have any intent to stay there for all too long. It was kinda crowded. Romil checked his coat and I refused to because that A) insiuated we were staying longer than I desired to and; B) I am not paying some asshole to put my coat on a hanger. Get a real job you fuck'tards (this coming from a guy whose job is a fucking joke). But yea, we couldn't find him, then realized tehre was an upstairs. Lemme tell you something about upstairs. IT SUCKED. It was WAAAAAY over crowded and stunk like a guido at the gym. The description I texted to Scott about this place was that I felt like I was in a sardine can that was fermented by jocar noir (or however that fucking cologne is spelt) and sweat. It was like a fucking animal den in there. This one guy was doing one of those really retarded things that somehow is called "dancing" where he was basically just inappropriately acting out sex on some girl that was sitting on a couch. It was kinda like that video of those kids showing off their ability to sex it up... but on an ottoman. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are fucking seriosuly missing out on hilarity. As if THAT wasn't enough, there was some guy that looked like Seal, minus the facial scars, in a corduroy jacket just snapping photo after photo of drunks girls butts as they danced. Around the same time I noticed this going on, some other mongoloid tried talking to me about God knows what and I just looked at him blankly and walked away. I think he over heard me making fun of someone. I told some really mess of a drunk girl "no hablo ingles" when she came up to me. She was like "whaat?" I said "i don't speak english" and she goes "oh, ok" and walked away. I was in no mood to be in there and it showed. OH, what else happened? Something weird. Here's my texts to Scott regarding the place:

"This PLACE is dirt!"

"This bar i'm at that ronak told us to go to. nothing but judging indians and some fat cambodian dude with a fauxhawk rubbing his sweaty belly like he's the all knowing peaceful buddah"

I think Romil tried introducing me to some people and i was just an utter asshole off the bat. Some guy came up to me and I just went "woah, woah woah... you're not indian," before he could get a word in. After a few shots and rounds we left. Shit was EXPENSIVE. I don't know what you were paying all that money for. Definitely not the atmosphere. Definitely not the watered down shit they told me was booze. Definitely not the "awesome" dj work of that asshole sitting there with an ipod. Bang up job he fucking did. I should start calling myself DJ Ramy. I mean, I know how to use the shuffle option on my itunes. That's all these lowlifes do... AND THEY GET PAID TO DO IT!

Loki met us up around the time I walked out and refused to come back in. I was sitting outside chain smoking (yea, good idea when you're sick, right?) and ended up talking to some asian chick who was with the party. My subtle hints to come to the next bar with us (which was basially "yea, we're going around the corner to this other bar. You should come with us) didn't seem to work. But whatever. We showed up to this bar Jeff was working at. It was kinda dead... and I just remembered I should check the pockets of my jeans I was wearng last night when I get home from work. I forgot I kept stuffing the free peanuts they had out into my pockets and was walking around, eating them out of my pocket so I didn't have to just sit there in front of a bucket on the bar. I also made QUITE the mess with the shells. Well, it was kinda messy to begin with, i just contributed more to it. Also, that place gives out free hot dogs that you serve yourself. Seriously. It was a miniturized version of one of those street vendor carts, just sitting in the corner of the bar. It had all these condiments... which also reminds me, I have to clean my hoodie cause I sprayed ketchup all over myself. I am such a mess. It surprises me how long I've lived on this world. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even know how to tie my own shoes if it was socially acceptable to wear velcro shoes past the age of 4.

Oh, and these fucking gavones asked me if I could score them some coke. Do I fucking look like a goddamn pusher? Seriously. Go jerk off with a cheese grater.

Smoking outside was usual Ramy wackiness. The bouncer was gone at one point and I took it upon myself to start carding people (long story, but me and TJ did it a few times outside a bar that didn't have a bouncer and people would buy us drinks to thank us for letting them in). Anyway, this guy wasn't mad at me... but he wasn't happy. In fact, he saw me and thought it was hilarious I was giving these people shit for their IDs. Only thing he was really upset about was he said there's a camera outside and he could get fired for me doing that shit. (how that works, I don't know). I did another thing that further proves I have the most retarded sense of trying to pick up girls. What was it? Hitting on a hot blond outside the bar while her boyfriend just sat there like the jamoke he came off as. God, what is wrong with me?

We all eventually left when we realized nothing was happening and it was gonna stay that way. Romil and I took a cab back to my car, I drove him to his car, and then I drove home somehow. I passed the fuck out within minutes of getting home.

I woke up today, spitting up blood filled loogies and snot rocketing out blood filled boogers. Life is pretty peachy.

I'll end this with two quotes I got from Scott last night that I found humerous:

- Tony and Marc were laughing at how drunk and angry I was last night while playing cod. They were asking what was going on and why I kept yelling "Ramy shut up and why do you have my wig on?"

- Haha watching 89 batman and the money parade scene is on and hes dancing to prince on the float and sarah goes "thats so ramy"

Regarding Last Night

First of all, I tell myself to stay away from dayquil/nyquil, especially when drinking. What happened? After originally planning on catching the 4pm showing of Mystery Team in the city, I ended up laying in bed miserable cause of my sinuses til about 6pm or so. I then showered, hopped down to the city and met Dan and Romil up in Union Square to hang out at our usual spot for some happy hour drinks and to shoot the shit as to kill time til another showing of the movie started. That, and the really hot bartender is always nice to us and just gives us shit for free all the time... and she's hot. I was feeling like shit, so Romil offered me what he calls "Scottish Robitussin". It was whiskey. A glass of that turned into these o-bomb shots. Well, it wasn't really an o-bomb but similar. The bartender made us 2 shots each. One was stoli-o and the other shot was orange flavored monster energy drink. We were told to take the stoli-o and chase it with the shot of monster. It got the job done and that is probably why I was so out of control when I got to Scott's later in the night. That and the whole drinking heavily while on dayquil I assume. The gin and tonics didn't help the situation either. Oh yea, and before Dan left, he told me a funny story. An ex girlfriend of his who is very self concious about photos that go up on the internet or something like that, etc took a picture of herself with Dan. I, apparently, photobombed it so bad that I am making this, as dan put it, dedicated facial expression that puts the "Have you seen my baseball" retarded brother from Something About Mary to shame. Instead of there being all these comments on how nice the picture is, people keep posting shit about me and my mongoloid face I'm making. Apparently she repeatedly brings up how "one of Dan's asshole friends" ruined her good photo. HAAAA! This basically is why I am the self proclaimed king of photobombing. I need to remind him to send me a copy of this photo. It may be up there with the photo I bombed at Viv's birthday party a few years back. The photo is of her and all her friends smiling and posing together right before they did some birthday shot, you know, one of those "this is a nice photo of friends" deals. You just see me off to the left of the photo making this retard face so bad that is causing me to shake from laughing so hard just thinking about it right now. The kicker was I was shown someone commented on it something like "does anyone see this man in the photo making that face?" I'm laughing so fucking hard right now that people at my job are looking at me weird. They have no idea cause they think I'm doing work but I'm sitting here typing away and laughing at how stupid I am.

ANYWAY, back to the story. we basically got lit up at our usual spot and then Ronak met us up for some drinks when he heard we were out(obviously, our plans of seing mystery team kept getting derailed at this point). Around 11:45 we decided to try and catch the midnight showing of the damn movie. What happened was this. We didn't even know where the damn theater was in the first place other than "a few blocks away", so just imagine me and 2 Indian brothers like drunken buffoons running around the southern part of the Flat Iron district/Norther part of the East Village, asking random people on the street if they know where the theater is. Most people gave me that "get away from me you psycho" attitude (I wonder why?) We got there and I was standing on line for tickets. This couple in front of me kept claiming they were on the guest list and kept giving names that were either taken up or not on the list. This went on for a while til they decided to buy up some tickets. I went to get tickets and the guy gives me one ticket. I said "um... my friends need tickets too." The guy told me he just gave me the last ticket. I basically had to trade it up for 2 tickets to a showing tonight cause of this.

We went back to this other bar Romil likes that Ronak claimed some girls were gonna meet us up at. Apparently the main one Ronak was meeting up is a bitch and it was pretty apparent that I was to be a complete asshole to her and just lay it into her thick. We walked in, then walked out and I ended up going home... which turned into me calling Scott and yelling jibberish into the voicemail, then barging into his house cause I saw Jose's car parked outside. Apparntly I annoyed Scott to the point he had to stop playing the game he was playing. I don't remember much of the night other than me marching around his house wearing a wig, a leather cowboy hat and his eric estrada aviator glasses (you know, those glasses in the Burger King commercial that say "ESTRADA" across the lenses? yea, he has those). i left around 3 in the morning to eat cause I was starving and didn't know how much I could last drinking whiskey and eating cheese its. Also, I may have called some girl in DC pretending to be some heart broken ex boyfriend that was crying (or as Scott puts it that I sounded like an old worried yenta). Also, may have called some other people talking about nonsense. But, it wasn't me... or Scott. It was someone else, I swear.

The Ramy is a Mess Cooking Show: Vol. 1

(Ok, so I've been wanting to do this for a while now. The farthest I've gotten to writing up cooking recipes of mine is texting Scott some of the shit I've thrown into a pot, what I itend for it to be, and then send him a picture of what the result looks like.)

The Ramy Chili Surprise



So yea, the above picture gross and when you read what I put it in you'll probably gag a little, or, like when I texted Scott what I used as one of the ingredients cause I was too lazy to look for the real one, you'll probably respond with what he texted me back, which was: "Ugh remind me never to get stranded with you."

But yea, since I am on dayquil and am getting pretty loopy right now, I decided to be adventurous and cook something different (basically because there is NO food in the house but small things here and there). Here's the ingredients.

- a small can of tomato paste
- a regular sized can of kidney beans, I drained the juice out of the can before putting the beans in the pot.
- what I am learning was probably a little too much oregano
- basil
- parsley
- garlic powder
- red pepper shake
- one diced red bell pepper
- one diced green bell pepper
- about a third or fourth of an onion that was left over
- 2 cloves of garlic
(ok, so both bell peppers weren't diced as much as they were just lazily cut up)
- Ketchup (yea, I was too lazy to find tomato sauce and just dumped some ketchup in there)
- a few splashes of Jamaican Rum (because, I figured it would change up the flavor of it being ketchup and not tomatoes).
- Sriracha chili sauce (because I couldn't find chili powder in the house)
- half a bottle of chili and lime flavored frank's hot sauce (see above, as well as the fact that it is an amazing hot sauce)
- about 3 or 4 handfulls of Morningstar veggie chopped "meat" or whatever they call it.
- a shit ton of olive oil just in case all the above tasted like shit, it'd slide right back out my body or at least the oil would mask some flavors, I hoped.

I cooked it on a slow temperature and stirred occasionally, while doing the dishes and taking out the garbage.

The result was pretty damn good. I am pretty stuffed right now and there's plenty of this crap yet. Oh, and if you're wondering for measurements, good luck, unless I mentioned it above, I did it all by guessing what I thought would be a good amount. I was pretty spot on with everything except the oregano which I mentioned earlier.

I am thinking I'm gonna go back to being bugged out on dayquil and do important things. By important things, I mean probably sit here looking at porn or playing Modern Warfare 2 while blasting the Meatmen and screaming like a nutcase at total strangers playing against me on the internet til I decide to head into the City to catch one of the showings of Mystery Team. Should be a good time.

Responses: Part II

So, I got some more feedback today from people taking this creative writing class with me (see the last blog if you have no clue what I'm talking about). But yea, I didn't really feel the need to be even more self centered and report back more of things written to and about me, but the first response of today's few I got today made me go "HA!"

This guy wrote: "I'm not sure if you've ever read Charles Bukowski, but you write like you could be his son." If you've read the bio I wrote for myself on this blog, you'd understand why I found humor in this statement. He even quoted a good quote from Bukowski of "The nine-to-five is one of the greatest atrocities sprung upon mankind. You give your life away to a function that doesn't interest you. This situation so repelled me that I was driven to drink, starvation, and mad females, simply as an alternative." Damn fucking straight. This kid was also the only person to say basically fuck the classic story arch and was the only person NOT to tell me my "character" didn't change which he is apparently supposed to.

Another person wrote they didn't like the title, but suggested something less up front like "Supersize... NOT me." Eh, whatever.

The other two responses I got besides the two above mentioned weren't anything too WOW inspiring for me to comment in here.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go back to being cocooned in my blanket, coughing my lungs up, listening to Nofx's mystic records era crap and watching "real wolfman" on history channel... dammit. It's over. Something on the abominable snowman. Eh, still good. Gotta love cryptozoology.

Regarding the Story in my Last Blog

So, I didn't get a chance to really sit down and read the responses written to me regarding the story cause Wednesday was such a rush of a mess.

But yea, here's how the day went down regarding going over the story. I walk into the room where my creative writing class is being held and the people already in the room all look up, grinning like idiots. One guy lets out a "THERE HE IS!" and they start clapping. I look around confused and go "um, what'd I do?" Turns out they were all saying how ridiculous my stories are that I submit to the class. As I'm getting myself comfortable in my seat, someone goes "this is a true story, right? It has to be." I go "um... perhaps." Then go "why do you ask?" One of the guys replied, "there is no way a story like this is so fluid without it being a true story." Anyway, so the class finally starts and we eventually get to the class debating my story. Most, if not all, of the class pretty much knew it was about me without me saying a word about it. One girl, however, butted in at one point going "I feel the story needed more fat girls hitting on the main character." Thoughts like "what are you, a chubby chaser?" and "one fat girl is more than enough" raced by. The teacher went on at one point to say that he feels the main character is possibly a little shy or insecure about himself and that's why he lashes out. At this point, I heard someone in the back of the room yell out "he sounds like a drunk asshole to me!" But whatever. Here are some of the funnier replies I got from people.

"Your story reminds me of 'Cacher in the Rye' a bit."

After going on about how I need more dialogue and description of my friends, one person wrote, "Definitely funny as hell.'

"You have a very sick mind, which is why I like your fiction so much." (Little does he know this wasn't fiction).

The same writer responded "I don't see many invitations from any women's or gay rights groups in the immediate future for you, but your fearless approach is commendable."

I was told I have a "sardonic voice".

"the story reads like a huge rant" was one of the notes I read while on the shitter.

From the notes of the girl who kept saying she wanted fat girls in the story: "I really REALLY wanted EVERYONE, EVERY CHICK, to be a chubby dumpling. (girl really wanted it to be like a speed dating for fatties it seems).

"Even drunk 'fat girls' can respond sometimes with the funniest a purposeful lines."

And that's about it for now. I am supposed to be given a few more responses by monday. That should be for some more laughs. (did i mention I was laughing my ass off almost the entire time they were talking about my story? It was cause I just thought the responses were so ridiculous at times).

The Latest Thing I Submitted to my Creative Writing Class, Etc

Ok, so my creative writing class asked that I submit a story today. I, being a completely lazy fuck who had many stories he could have written about that he wanted to write about but hasn't yet, decided that it's a lot easier to copy and paste a story that needs little to no editing to submit instead.I posted the original story on my myspace blog on Saturday, April 18th of this year, meaning the story took place that friday, the 17th of April. I had to make 20 copies of the story and pass out copies of it to the class today for them to read and then critique and give me their responses to by Wednesday afternoon. Scott was glancing at a copy of my story I printed up before I made more copies and he basically said people are gonna know there's something wrong with me. But whatever, I handed em out and as I was walking around handing out copies, I heard one guy in the class read aloud the title and then just mutter "jesus..." in a sorta shock/disbelief. I am gonna post the story below and then follow that up hopefully Wednesday before I go out for a little (and by little I mean a lot of) Thanksgiving eve drinking, or as Loki calls it, "amateur night". So yea, here's the story, read up on it so you'll know what to laugh at when I post the more comical of responses to this drunken rant:

Fat Girls Need Lovin’ Too… Just Not From Me

I got on the train yesterday. First thing the conductor says to me is, "where's the other one?" I look at him in all sorts of confusion and say "the other what?" he goes "your ticket. This is for a return trip from New York." I look at him and go "huh?" He goes "you bought a round trip. This is the return ticket." Still confused, I look at him and go "what the fuck are you talking about?" He puts the ticket in my face and goes "LOOK!" I look at it and tell him I only bought a one way to the city and had no idea as to why my ticket said I paid $11.25 for a round trip. He then starts talking down to me and basically talking to me like my IQ was equal to or less than 75. What transpired after was an argument between the conductor and I with such shit as him saying, "how can you not pay attention to what you're paying for?" and me going off on him saying how I paid attention. I fucking was staring right at the button as I pressed it, and that the reason I didn't have a receipt was because that goddamn stupid fucking machine hasn't spit out a receipt in the past month and a half that I had been using it. Then I also started mentioning how half the time the machine gets jammed up and you have to basically run across the street screaming as you drop kick the damn thing to get your ticket out. This went on for the duration of one stop on the train before he got fed up trying to get me to pay for another ticket (YEA, after all that he still tried getting me to pay and I was like "fuck THAT!"). He then punched enough holes in the card to make it look like Swiss cheese (yea, quite the CHEESY comment, no?)

What happened next? Well, as the next stop rolled around, 3 guys, 2 of which were wearing devils jerseys, get on the train and sit next to me. Sure the train wasn't packed yet, but for some reason, I had to move my ass to let these ugly retards sit near me. The one that wasn't wearing a devils jersey... yea, He was the classiest one of them all. He sat there typing on his laptop with the slightest of ease using one hand as the other was in a cast. Someone must've gotten years of practice before he broke that hand, if you know what I mean. But, that wasn't the worst thing about this guy. I basically stared at him (well, not stared. I’d look away when I noticed he was about to look in my direction, but otherwise it was a full on stare) as he'd pick his nose, look around to see if anyone was looking and then EAT HIS BOOGERS. This went on for most of the train ride. After a while I gave up being Mr. look away and would just stared in shock and gave him the ewe/what the fuck are you doing look.
Getting on the transfer train at Secaucus Junction was fun. I refused to pay for another ticket and also wanted to stick it to the conductor on the train I previously was on (who I am almost positive was the same asshole who kicked me off the train in Ridgewood on Tuesday telling me the train doesn't go to my town, when I TAKE THE SAME FUCKING TRAIN ALL THE GODDAMN TIME). What happened was this. I basically was thinking of how to get about the turnstyle-like machine that you have to swipe your train ticket into to proceed further on. Thinking of how I was basically going to have to end up running and jumping it before the train came in or talking someone into letting me run in as they swipe their ticket, I see this ditzy girl say to the security guy how her ticket wasn't working. Another IDIOT a few rows down couldn't figure out how to work the machine either. The security guy went over to see what was going on and scanned his ID card to let the ditzy girl and the idiot guy in. I figured now was my time to make a run for it. Apparently, someone else had the same idea as me and took this opportunity to do about what I was planning. That old gray haired bastard shoved his way through and almost knocked the ditz over as well as almost broke the security door off the hinge (or whatever the fuck it's on) off the machine. The security guard started yelling as I ran though. I look back at him, shrug my shoulders and go "oh, i was with her," pointing at the ditz, "my card had the same problem." Thank God his response was throwing his hands in the air in a gesture of giving up instead of him chasing after me. I didn't care that much after that. I figured that was an opportune moment since the train was on its way to the station any second... but then I saw it was running 5 minutes late which made me glad that guard didn't come after me.
The train was over packed with all kinds of mongoloids in Mets and Devils jerseys. This fat smelly woman in Mets gear was standing next to me on the train. It was not fun to say the least. Penn station was no fun either. It was particularly crowded. So were the streets, and the N train was just straight up atrocious. I have never seen such a mob on a train platform. I'm surprised people weren't shoving each other onto the tracks by bumping into one another, it was THAT crowded.
But whatever, I get to Union Square and met Romil up for some drinks. I ordered 2 Stellas thinking I'd have myself a beer and one waiting for Romil by the time he got there. Turns out that out of all the beers on tap there, I chose the one beer that was empty and needed to be replaced. They tell me this a minute or so after the fact and promised it would only be a few moments. I had to sit there for 10 to 15 minutes for a drink; A few moments, my ass. Yea yea, I know, I'm not some booze-starved fiend who couldn't sit out those 10 to 15 minutes. It's just that there was nothing to do and I was by myself for a while, by myself for a while in a damn bar. Romil eventually met me up, and the beer still wasn't ready. I was not surprised at all by this fact.
Bla bla bla, drinking, bullshitting, etc ensued. We eventually got these rather good (or maybe I was too drunk to realize they were bad) seasoned fries. Yea, come to think of it, they were covered in so much fucking garlic, whatever. I went to piss and first upon walking to the stairs to where the bathroom is, this LOSER with shitty tattoos, shaved head and white trash facial hair start tugging really hard on his friend and going "come on, I gotta show you something in the bathroom," and then starts doing the coke motions on his nose. I stare at him and give him this "that's REAL classy" look. He gave me the usual "I'm tough" look some lowlife like him would give. I just shook my head and gave him this facial expression to let him know I think he's a joke and kept on walking. Then I get downstairs and this girl is basically lost trying to get to the bathroom. This is the girl I pointed out to Romil earlier, saying that the other girl she was sitting next to her was friends with her so that guys would be like "oh, well, your big ears and nose aren't so bad upon seeing how your friend looks." What happens? It started out with me making some smart ass comment to her in regards to her getting lost trying to find the bathroom as I walked right into the men's bathroom door (which is literally 2 inches from the women's bathroom door). This resulted in her coming up to me later on in the evening as Romil and I were finishing our drink. She asked me something along the lines of "aren't you the guy who made a comment about me not being able to find the bathroom?" (That was quite possibly the worst attempt at playing dumb, mind you). This turned into her not leaving me alone for quite some time. I kept looking at Romil and asking him shit like "aren't you done yet?" and "come on, aren't we gonna meet up Dan or what?" Then the girl's friend came over, and I was right, upon seeing her, her big ears and nose weren't so bad looking in comparison to this egg of a girl who walked like a duck and wouldn’t leave me alone. Apparently me shifting my attention to big ears didn't phase the egg and she kept bugging me on and on. I don't even know how I ended up drinking a car bomb with her, honestly. Somehow I ended up paying too. Oh wait; she said whoever loses the chugging contest pays. I said I hate car bombs, they're for micks and I'm not one, etc. (honestly, who drinks those things?) I even told the bar tender "2 car bombs," and then leaned over the bar and said "and by two car bombs, I mean give this thing next to me a car bomb as I get a Jager bomb." Apparently the bartender didn't understand my subtlety and said aloud asking me "so a Jager bomb for you?" Then both the egg and the ears started going "oh, you're sneaky," and bla bla bla with their moron banter. I knew I was going to lose this chugging contest, I just didn't think this girl was the queen of unhinging her epiglottis and basically inhaling booze.

Somehow, the egg, the ears and their friend, the gay Asian dude, left with us. The gay Asian dude who I didn't even realize was with them until he started leaving with us ended up wandering off to "see a friend" (read that as he probably got corn holed within seconds of turning the corner from us judging by how he was reacting to the phone call he had gotten from said “friend”). But yea, these 2 girls kept trying to talk us into ditching Dan and heading to some Irish bar 4 blocks away from where we were supposed to be. I was like "fuck that, you go." Romil kept telling me to talk to the egg cause she liked me. I responded, annunciating every word, with "I do not care." The ears, on the other hand, was all into Romil. I was not going to have a pork roast. (Get it, she's fat, pork is a term for sex... she was fat... think about that little "pork roast" comment now... ok, it wasn't that good, shut up). My complete lack of sympathy for others emotions started kicking in and started off with me flat out telling the egg to shut up at one point when she wouldn't stop talking to me. That and I shoved my hand in her face to silence her. Apparently that didn't shut her up cause she kept going on and on about how she couldn't believe I did that. I told her "believe it," but that didn't work.
We show up and Dan sees these girls. First words out of his mouth were "whose your girl?" as the two girls wandered off to the bathroom right away. Dan then goes on to tell me to fuck the fat one for a good laugh. I was like "FUCK THAT!" I was afraid they'd follow us off to Black Finn later and then it hit me to get on the horn texting Scott saying to get Sarah and/or Ali to say I was their boyfriend to get this THING of a girl off my case when we'd show up there. Yea, this is how not into her I was. I mean, for crying out loud, I kept thinking "quack, quack, quack" each time she'd take a step. Yea, she really had that duck waddle, feet all out pointing in opposite directions, thing down to a T. 2 girls Dan works with came up and said hello after this ordeal went on. I then noticed It was an all Asian bar. It was ALL ASIANS, us 5 non-Asians, the 2 girls who followed us from Union Square, and 2 guys hanging out at the bar (and come to think of it, I think one of them was at least half-Asian).
We were given something called a tornado, I think? I don’t know really. It was basically Johnny Walker black and some kind of nasty beer. The girl would spin it around and would basically make that tornado effect anyone that went to a primary school science fair can figure out how to do (but I guess cause you're drunk you're supposed to be wowed?) The whole deal was she'd put a napkin over it, do the tornado dealy, and then throw the napkin, that is now sopping wet from the booze splashing around onto it, on the ceiling. Yea, the ceiling looked like spit-wad central. Long story short, the drink tasted like a rapist special and I drank it slowly cause of how bad it was. Apparently you're supposed to chug it. Yea, that's what I need, a black out AND a headache the next day that may or may not have lead to me being man-handled by some girl shaped like a dairy product found in your refrigerator, fuck THAT!
The egg finally got the hint when I spent the entire duration of time in the bar talking to the 2 girls Dan works with and not even giving her a second glance. Her and the ears eventually left all pissed off (the ears even went as far as to say something about being upset with my actions). After the dust settled from that, we eventually left too. But, of course, nothing's simple. The Guyanese girl, of the 2 that worked with Dan, kept looking for her shit. I kept handing it to her, off the couch she was sitting on but she was too drunk to realize this the first few times. Then we're outside and she starts freaking out about her cashmere sweater she lost. On and on this went while hoards of underage Asian kids started bitching they couldn't get into the bar we were just in. Then I said "dude, just walk in," and all of a sudden their tune changed to that they could get in if they wanted but they rather go some place else. I just sat there thinking "What? Didn't you JUST say you wanted to get in there but someone wouldn't let you?" But whatever, that girl was still going off about her cashmere, so I dragged her in the bar and said to look around. We made this pack of Asians sitting at the couches we were sitting at get up. I went to the bartender and told her that this girl was drunk and going on and on about her sweater, bla bla bla. She said to write her name and number on a piece of paper. Of course I didn't know any of this, so I dragged the girl over to the pad of paper, shoved a pen in her hand and told her to write it all out for the bartender.
We left and this girl's drunken tantrum went on to wanting to go home and getting on the wrong train. Romil, Dan and the other girl went after her. I just sat there on the street. I looked at this guy sitting there smoking a cigarette that saw the scene and was like "what was that?" My reply was "alcoholic messes." I finally realized that them taking too long either meant they left me and got on a train or are still down there. I wasn't going to chance it. I went down there to see. Apparently Dan and Romil left me and walked them to the right train and told me to go to so and so of a corner near where we were and catch the train up to the bar Jeff was working at. There was no train. I took a cab by some Rasta who was blasting reggae the whole ride there.
I showed up first to the bar (obviously). I see Jeff and he looks at me and goes "Rumple Minz?" I said "sure" and next thing I know, he's handing me a whisky glass filled with Rumple Minz. Safe to say that totally decimated me later on. Justin met me up, with Dan and Romil following soon after, followed by Scott, Sarah and Ali. It was the usual Black Finn night. An over crowded bar, a fight broke out outside, etc. By the end of the night we were sitting in this booth and I was beat. I also kept staring at this girl I thought was really cute. I couldn't get her attention to save my life. Then again, what was I going to even say? Knowing me, something rude and obnoxious no doubt.
Me, Scott, Sarah and Ali ended up hitting up a cab back to Sarah's car in the Bronx. I dropped my ipod in the cab and we spent the entire ride crawling around looking for it. This was followed by me drunk and angrily saying someone's getting stabbed if I don't get my ipod back, and then finally finding it after I said "FUCK THAT" to the cabbie when he asked for my phone number to call me if he found it (yea, cause you get things back when you lose them in a cab... that's me being sarcastic). Sarah dropped me off at my mom's house and I washed my hands a few times to get all that taxi floor dirt off of me. For some reason I had mascara across my nose too. I'm sure one of the girls yelled at me earlier for doing something that smudged their mascara on me, but whatever.

The Freaks Come Out at Night

Me and Mike were walking down Rivington Street in the Lower East Side last night. A woman stops her car, gets out and asks us for help. We're like "ummm... ok? What's the matter?" in horribly broken english, she tells us she just got her drivers license and she can't parallel park. Me and Mike look at each other in a shock/awe way and I say sure. I get in the car and it is filled with 3 or 4 little kids yelling in Spanish. I turn around and see all these kids and go "what up?" and start parking the car for her. I then got out, walked back to the sidewalk across the way where Mike was standing with the woman and then we wandered off. Quite possibly the most awkward thing that's happened to me in NYC as of late.

THEN, we get to Delancy. We stop at the Burger King over there. Mike's getting ready to order his food. I'm standing to the side where there's 3 kids. This guy who looked like he was all kinds of fucked up on booze and/or drugs just barges in, and starts getting in faces asking if anyone needs to use the bathroom. Starts pounding his fists on the bathroom door and then turns around and says something like "Anyone need to use the bathroom? I'm gonna be in there a loooong time." People sitting down eating were even giving each other weird looks in response to that statement. As soon as an employee unlocked the bathroom door for the guy me, mike and the 3 kids standing around all just look at each other and go "what the fuck?" We all start laughing. As Mike was about to get his food, the guy came barging out of the bathroom with his head soaking wet and just started power walking to the front door.

I think those were the only real highlights of randomness. OH, that and when we got to the bar, Mike went to the bathroom and as I was turning around to walk back to the table where Arielle and her friends were sitting this gay pizza delivery guy came in to drop off a pizza and he and I both got ran down by some loon who just started shoving into each of us seperately as he went for the door outta the bar. I wish I could remember exactly what the gay pizza delivery guy said but I can't... but it was fucking hilarious and I started laughing my ass off as soon as he started going off on the guy.

Oh, and San Loco was had. Sweet glorious San Loco. I hadn't had any in a while and it had been mentioned several times lately. Starting with Dan ranting about it at Wiseman's birthday party (and he eventually left to go get some, which I should have joined him in doing) and then again it was brought up how I met some people up there one time cause that's where they met for the first time... I think. I dunno. Whatever, it's like a tradition this couple. Anyway, Mike asked me if it was nearby. I said I only really know where the one on 4th avenue is exactly and that all i know is there's another one in the LES but I was not sure where. He looked it up on google maps on his phone and we discovered it was literally around the corner from where we were. We got some good food, ate in the car, headed west. Pissed and had a drink at the Slaughtered Lamb (haven't been in there in ages). It was crowded and there was this not that good looking waitress with her asshole basically hanging out of her shorts that I couldn't stop staring at. There was also a bartender with her tits falling out that I could not stop staring at whenever she was in my line of vision. After that, we got fat some more on Joe's pizza. Some guy saw me dumping garlic powder all over my slices and goes "Jesus, man!" I looked at him and go "what? I fucking like garlic. At least you know I'm not a vampire," and then left to head back to the car with Mike. Speaking of garlic and being anti-vampires, there was this guy walking down Rivington St that decided to show he was anti-twilight with a garlic bandoleer:



So fucking random.

But yea, that was the gist of last night. Throw in me and Mike listening to Initium a bunch of times on ye olde cassette tape and that's basically last night in a nutshell. Well, that and Mike playing Transformers soundboards off his cell phone, him switching it up between meowing at people while wearing my "cat-head" mask and yelling GI Joe/Cobra related nonsense while wearing my Cobra Commander helmet that I had both of in my back seat as I drove to the FDR to go home.

Oh yea, and if anyone used to save my old blogs (anything written/posted before January 24th, 2009) please lemme know. I wanna compile my old ones together and go through them, but I don't have them saved anywhere. I know some of you weirdos used to save them cause some of you told me you saved them. Well, here I am calling you out for having em and me wanting em. So lemme know. I rarely if ever go on myspace anymore and wanna transfer all my old blogs elsewhere(in fact, the only reason I went on this last time was to post something similar to this request on there in a bulletin that will go unnoticed since everyone is head over heels for facebook these days).

Oh yea... and the amount of half naked vagina that was strutting around the LES last night? OH MY FREAKING GOD! So much. So hot. I think I got herpes just looking at them. At one point me and Mike saw what I refered to as the "hoochie fa hoochie parade". Christ. I gotta start hanging out down there on weekends again. I haven't really hung out a lot down there since I was like 21 or 22.

This is No Way to Live

Ugh. Nothing like starting off your day vomiting into the shower. Why it tasted like warm peanut butter is beyond me, but there are now chunks of pizza in the shower that I am not looking forward to cleaning up when I get home from work.

My phone died really early last night, so on my drive to work after I turned my phone back on after charging it as I slept, my phone just went ape shit with like 10+ text messages. If you're reading this and wondering what I did yesterday and why I didn't respond back, there you go.

Last night's highlights include going to the city in the afternoon to meet up romil for some drinks. The hot bartender at Union bar giving us basically everything for free as I did not restrain from my tongue hanging from my mouth the entire time, and being the biggest wing man by having to talk to this girl's gay friend (which included me mentioning several times my love for the ladies just to make it clear to this guy that I was not at all interested in him or his nasties. Eventually Ronak met us up after me and Romil left union bar (basically to hide from the gay and his friend Romil later on told me he was not interested in).We ended going back to union for a bit after we realized the other bar was over packed and our waitress was a moody pregger bitch. I ended up leaving maybe after 1 more drink and heading to Mike's and I suppose i let his dog molly climb on my lap a lot because there is dog hair all over my jacket now. We watched maybe 3 or 4 episodes he dvr'd and then I headed home to pass the fuck out.

God, I need to throw up again. this is not going to be pretty. This damn office bathroom is awful. The walls are paper thin and everything echos inside it. I'm gonna try and be discrete about it, but I know it's gonna end up sounding like the Ramy vomit experience in surround sound. Ugh

Reminders of Jersey

This past weekend has been quite a fucking intense and insane weekend.

Friday night, drove down to Roseland to meet my sister up since she got 2 tickets to catch AFI. Thanks to traffic and not being able to find a parking spot for an hour, I missed the Gallows' set. Show up and AFI was about to go one. Highlights of the show was they broke out Triple Zero really early on into their set (maybe it was the 4th or 5th song in the set). I fucking love how no one knows anything before their Sing the Sorrow album. A few years back I remember they played A Single Second and I was going ape shit in the pit like it was one of their early days hardcore shows, doing shit you'd always see at CB's or something back in the day. All I remember was some kid in pants so tight that his balls must've not had any circulation calling me an asshole... and then me roundhouse kicking that fucker to the floor. Anyway, yea. My sister was laughing at me when I let out a big "FUCK YES!" when they started playing Love is a Many Splendored Thing too. I fucking love that song and it's so old. But yea, only complaints I had about the show was the fact I hate seeing shows at Roseland now. I think the last time I enjoyed myself at a show there was the Misfits 25th Anniversary tour kick off show, and that was cause fucking Googy gave me and TJ vip passed and we hung out with J~Sin and JV upstairs in the VIP balcony til the Misfits went on. Also, you know what I loved? This DRUNK SLOB screaming her fucking lungs out every five seconds "DAVEY! I LOVE YOU!!! DAAAAVY!!!!" I started sarcastically yelling every time she would until her friend finally shut her up. I really had a good laugh to myself when I was walking back to my car to drive across town after the show was over. Why? About 2 blocks away from Roseland, I found that drunk slob passed out in a door way, huddled on the floor, doing that post-puke spitting up disgustingness. I looked at her and said "Yea, that's attractive," and kept on walking.

When I got to my car, I discovered Romil, Dennis, Dan, Ken and Lucas were at this place called Vero. Dennis gave me the wrong address and I walked around for a bit til I realized he told me a street above the street it was on. I show up and Dennis is hitting on two girls. I butted in and one of these girls kept reaching for my hat which was in my hand at the time. i was like "excuse me, what in the fuck are you doing?" She told me she wanted to know if it was a Yankees hat and I asked her if she was gonna not talk to me if it wasnt. My time at Vero was spent watching Dennis go girl to girl and not get anywhere as well as wait up for Jeff to meet me up. Jeff finally met us up and we left to go to Turtle Bay for a hot second to see if we could get a free beer or two since he used to work there. I REALLY hate that place now after that night. At first it was that I was annoyed, then bothered by the place, but now i just fucking hate it and everyone inside it. The bouncers giving me a hard time for NO reason. the bartenders just being so full of themselves (yea dude with the frosted tips, you're so fucking cool. I wanna be on your team you fucking waste of life). Oh, and the MONGOLOID GAVONE PIECE OF SHIT bouncer who gave me a hard time about wearing my hat. Yea, fuck you. I was told at the door to take my hat off when I go inside. I walk in and 3 people are standing right in front of me wearing their hats. I went into the bathroom right before I left and I put my hat on so I wouldn't have to hold it as I piss. As soon as I put it on, I hear this voice, a voice that could only have came out of some neanderthal, telling me to take my hat off when inside the bar. I turned around and was like "are you fucking kidding me? I'm taking a goddamn piss." The guy was like "I don't care." I look at him and go "I am not holding my hat in my dick hand and getting piss all over it in the process." He was like "I don't care, put it in your back pocket." I told him I am not bending the brim just so I could take a fucking piss and stood there watching him stare at me, and waiting for me to take my hat off. Eventually, I muttered "scumbag" and took my hat off when I realized he was just gonna stand there and probably drag me out as soon as I finished pissing. I put the hat under my arm and pissed .While doing this, this fucking ape-man starts gargling listerine all obnoxious-like, dousing himself in cologne and then taking cigarettes from the bathroom attendant and then having the nerve to give the attendant shit like "what the fuck are you looking at me like that for?" AS I left the bar this Cro-Magnon kept giving me this "i'm a tough guy" stare down at me as I just light my cigarette, staring at him and giving him a dirty look back, as I waited for Jeff and Romil to figure out what they wanted to do.

Romil went home and Jeff asked me to drop him off at his apartment. I then drove my ass downtown to meet up JV and Loki and whoever else they were with at Down the Hatch. I show up and it's drunken 21 year old after drunken 21 year old all over the place. Apparently it was Sam's friend's 21st b-day and she was SLOPPY by the time I showed up. Me and Loki just kept taking shot after shot of rumple minz as we bullshitted about this and that drinking our drinks. right before we all left, sam's friend went head firsst through the front door. Being outside smoking a cigarette, I hear this comotion and look down the stairs to the see this mess at the front door going on. She's on the floor and her friends are trying to help her up. All I could hear was "Nooooo. Dooooon't. Leave me, I'm happy." I couldn't stop laughing as her friends had to basically carry her out and down the street back to where ever she lives.

I somehow made it back home and fell asleep to try and get some sleep before work. I woke up and got to work Saturday morning. work was boring as shit. After work, I rushed home, took a shower, got changed and headed to Loki's to watch the fight. I showed up and no one was home. I woke up Chris who was pissed off cause he just got home from work and fell asleep and my dumb ass opens the front door, yelling "HELLLOOOOO!" and then going back outside and repeatedly ringing the front doorbell. Thinking back, I shoulda taken a picture of his face when he came down the stairs to ask me "what in the HELL are you doing?" I sat on the couch, nodding off to these 2 assholes on fox reviewing movies til Loki got home. He came back with a SHIT-TON of liquor (as seen below):



OK, so a few of those bottles were from prior to his booze run, but still, that's what a 300+ dollar shopping spree at the liquor store looks like. Loki ate his dinner he picked up and we all started drinking as people showed up like stragglers throughout the night. We got SHITTY! All I remember is we kept laughing at how drunk we all were. Unfortunately, I eventually passed the fuck out from only getting 3 hours sleep the night before and drinking myself stupid. I mean, it was a good idea anyway since I had to wake up early if I was gonna drive back to New York for work, and then BACK to Jersey after work on Sunday. Sadly, my sleep was short. Why? Loki decided around 2am to wake me up and force shots down my throat telling me "We're not going to sleep yet. We're still drinking. WAke up." I just kept kicking and screaming like a little child until they dragged me back to the table and I was propped up in a seat with drinks being thrown at me. Around 5am me and Bob both claimed the downstairs couches to sleep on. I fell asleep rambling God knows what as Loki and JV argued over whatever it was they were talking about that me and Bob kept butting into the convo of every now and then til we fell asleep. According to Bob, I fell asleep hugging some big framed photo of Loki as a child til Loki took it out of my hands. Why? I have no idea other than the fact it was on the couch I was sleeping on.

I woke up around 8am Sunday morning. staggered around the house looking for my shit, chasing the cat off my jacket and staggered out the door for a nice fun drive home filled with swerving and trying not to fall asleep behind the wheel. I got home, changed my clothes, dumped some cologne on me so I didn't smell like a bottle of rumple minz and then took off for work. I basically spent the entire day at work trying not to pass out. At one point I just locked myself in the bathroom. Put the lid down n the toilet, sat on it as a chair and used the handicapped handrail as a pillow and tried getting some sleep. I figured if anyone wondered, they'd think I was just backed up and dropping off some major Cosby kids off at the pool. This went on just about all day at work. By the time it was closing time I just bee-lined it outta there and back to the house for a shower and change. Right before I left for Jersey I stopped off at the Sunoco right next to the on ramp to I-87 in Ardsley to get some Monster energy drinks and sun chips to try and revive me. While wandering around the shop, Loki calls me, laughing as I answered cause he had to tell me Bob was complaining about how I woke him up cause of all the grunting I was doing earlier in the morning as I walked around the house. Loki told me they were headed to the club after we were going to hang up our phones and I decided to go straight to the club. I showed up, BSed with the guys outside, basically telling Loki, JV and Bob to all go to hell for how shitty I felt and then we headed inside.

When we walked in, the Bad Whoremoans were playing and maybe a song or two in after I walked in, this little kid sporting a devilock came up on stage with them to sing Where Eagles Dare (photo, by Loki, below):



After their set was done I started heading towards outside to have a cigarette until Shannyn, who I haven't seen in ages, grabs me and says hello. We talked for a bit. Then Jaymz who I haven't seen in even longer walks in and we shoot the shit until I finally say I wanna cigarette. went outside and BSed with even more people I hadn't seen in a while, filled with me and Ciccone yelling nonsense every now and then and laughing about stupid shit.

Eventually Darrow Chemical Company set was about ready so everyone headed back inside. Having been sitting there for most if not all of the process of that band, it was a nice to see JV finally got the lineup solidified and the songs all finished up and completed for the most part. They did a really good job and I think JV's goal of bringing good music back to the horror punk scene did it's job. Good shit.

Afterwards, Blitzkid came on and rocked the house too. I haven't seen them in a while and they played just as good as they ever did. Their new drummer is a fucking animal too. My only complaints about that part of the night was A) there was quite a few kids standing near me who needed to learn how to wash their asses. It smelt so bad like the swamp ass of someone who didn't wipe properly. Sooo gross. I seriously thought I was gonna pass out from the vile smell at points of their set. Another thing was the 3 skanky girls who basically spent the whole night trying to suck blitzkid's collective cocks.

After the show was over I went outside to smoke a cigarette which turned into just hanging out on the street with everyone til the club closed and we all ended up crossing the street to hang out at Dingo's for a few drinks. Ox bought a tray of jello shots for all of us. I didn't really drink cause I figured i'd pass the fuck out behind the wheel on my way home. Ox kept pumping the jukebox full of Misfits/Samhain/Danzig and then some other metal bands here and there like Pantera and Lamb of God. Despite the fact I was beyond delirious, exhausted and fighting gravity from making me collapse to the floor, I had a really good time and it made me realize how much I miss living in Jersey and hanging out with all these people at random house parties we all used to throw every once in a while.

After a while, we all headed our separate ways with some of us eventually heading back to Loki's as planned hours before when we left Dingbatz. I decided to follow JV and Sam back to Loki's since my navigation system has been on the fritz. Of course a giant truck cuts me off and when I finally get a change to go around it I start following the wrong car for a while til I finally catch up to it and realize it wasn't Sam's car but some random moron's. I then tried turning my navigation system on. After freezing up and keep fucking up it finally tells me how to get to Loki's from whatever God awful part of whatever God awful town I was in at that point. It ended up taking me on what I'd like to refer to as the scared straight version of a detour back to Loki's. It kept telling me to go down these random streets in Patterson that i was pretty sure would lead to me getting shot at or car jacked. Even better, my fucking navigation system kept telling me to fucking go the wrong way down one way streets. I had to basically sit tehre and try and figure out what street it was trying to get me to and find my own way to these streets. I eventually got a call from JV asking me where the hell I went and I told him where i was. Turns out I was apparently 10 miles from Loki's house if I took this long as fuck, dark as shit, road down passed fields and woods.

I showed up to Loki's as Germs was rolling up and we headed inside BSing with one another while Matt Johnson kept turning the volume on the tv louder and louder as JV and Germs argued over nonsense that I would butt in and instigate once in a while. We watched the video of the Darrow Chemical Company set that Keith video taped and then Loki kicked us out of his room to go to sleep. We went back downstairs, smoked a little and then eventually I decided to go home cause I knew I was not gonna get any sleep sleeping on that damn couch again and was gonna get woken up early by either Loki or Chris. Driving home really late at night, it sucked. From the Garden State exit to halfway across the Tappan Zee Bridge on 287 was a thick as shit fog filled with nothing but state trooper after state trooper just sitting along side the road. Then a few miles after the bridge was more fog. I evntually got home and PASSED THE FUCK OUT. I woke up to a plethora of texts that I didn't even see I got throughout the night and into this morning, and even afternoon. Tried replying back to some (ok, only the last 3 I got), tried to drag myself to the bathroom and realize I slept through the entire morning and didn't wake up to my alarm I set to wake me up and get me doing the shit I had to do today. And uh... yea. That sums up my day. Now, I gotta go write up a letter I have to fax out that I completely forgot to do earlier this week that's gotta be sent no later than midnight tonight.

The 2009 Halloween Story

I left work an hour early so I could get down to the city to register for the night's barcrawl. I finally got a spot and ran to the place. I got there at 6:01 and the guy told me "registrations closed." I said "Really, you're really gonna push this registration ends at 6 on the dot bullshit? are you fucking kidding me?" He did the whole "i'm bigger and blacker than you approach to me. I told him to go fuck himself and walked away. My friend gave me one of his childhood friends' bracelet cause he was gonna meet up later and he'd tell him he couldnt get him one. (I guess this is why I'm gonna be this kid's best man? who knows).

Most bars sucked. Well, the first one wasn't bad. Kept getting the eye from this girl whenever her boyfriend wasn't looking. Another girl fell flat on her face right in front of me and I laughed and laughed.

Another bar, the bartender was some dirty whore. She refused to give me any of the specials because I didn't bring my cup with me. They give you a plastic cup that is the size of a child's fist and THAT is what they expect you to use for 2 dollar beers and mixed drinks. No other bars enforce this but this girl had to be a giant cunt about it and basically said to take my business elsewhere if I didn't like it. I harassed her til she said she'd give me a beer for 4 dollars... and it had to be bud light. I told her to go to holy hell and flipped her off.

The next bar we walked into was dead, minus some guys dressed as 90s wrestlers. I thought I was gonna fight Brett The Hitman Heart cause he didn't like me talking to who I guess was his woman. He kept saying "No, seriously. Have a good night" to get me to go away. I would say shit like "no, seriously. Night pink spandex" back to him. I eventually left that situation when the girl said "I shoulda been that girl from Always Sunny." I asked Her "Sweet Dee? Why? Cause you're trash?" She didn't like that all too much.

The last and final bar we went to was a mess. This hispanic couple as two clowns kept asking to take pictures with me. I also found the love of my life there. She was the most horrible person imaginable. Just my type. She also makes me want to walk into traffic now. Why? She kinda was on the fence about me being 5 years younger than her. What really did it in was when she said "so, how close to here do you live?" I said in Westchester. She asked how I could afford that. I said I just moved back into my mother's til I find a new place. BAM. Make fun of Ramy city was in full effect. She basically told her friend I live with my mother and dress as Cobra Commander, and her friend must've gave her the "That's a deal breaker" face cause not much of the conversation happened after that. She gave me my gum back (yea, she took the piece of gum I had in my mouth out and put it in her mouth to chew and then gave it back after she found out I live with mama... God, I think I'm gonna run out into the street right now). She said "don't look so sad, I'm gonna go home now... alone." I must've had the biggest pout face known to man at that point. (Wouldn't even take my number. Talk about heart break. This girl basically encouraged my deviant behavors of fucking with people that walked by us).

Anyway, the night turned into a bigger and bigger mess. At one point this girl outside was bearing witness to me just lashing out at people by fucking with them mentally and a little physically. She tried giving me pointers and setting me up with some girl outside having a cigarette. This was all fine and well til I basically just tore off the girl's wig and called her "baldly." I had to do it though. This girl trying to set me up made me feel like an idiot or incapable of getting women on my own (which may or may not be true regardless).

The remainder of the night was me stealing drinks left and right (I still don't know who the fuck orders a glass of tequila and cranberry juice. Yuck.... I still drank it anyway and was probably why I should not have been behind the wheel on my ride home).

One of Eddie or Janell's friends was just a giant bitch the entire night. I purposely would agitate her more and more to the point I took my gum out and threatened to put the gum in her hair. That's when she flipped out and said "why do I deserve that? Why would you do that to me?" I said "A) I wasn't going to really do it. B) You've been a giant cunt to me all night." I think that was the last interaction we had last night... and probably ever again.

I wandered off eventually and got to the car... only to find a sopping wet parking ticket for 65 dollars on my windshield. Gotta love it.

I also forgot it was daylight savings today, or last night. Way to lose an hour.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go tie a noose to hang myself from out of sheer depression. If not, I'll just sit here til work is over, then head over to jersey for this "Day of the Dead" thingamabob that Myke Hideous and this Paul guy are throwing that the Doomsday Prophecy are playing at.

The Hunt for Cobra Commander

Here's a picture of me trying on my costume for the first time a few weeks ago (I took the picture in my sister's old room cause the mirrors in mine are all smashed and cracked, don't judge me because of the pink walls and curtains or whatever those things are called):



Yes, it's of Cobra Commander.

Pros: it's mother fucking bad ASS. I get away with staring at tits like you wouldn't believe because the mask is a two way mirror.

Cons: no pockets (I have to hang my keys and a pouch with my license, credit cards and cash in it, on one of those key leshes). pissing is a pain in the ass cause since it's basically a giant onsie I have to take the whole upper part off of me just to whip the ol' boy out to piss. Since I clipped my cellphone onto the fake belt that kinda hangs from me loosely, I didn't really notice people were calling and/or texting most of the night and woke up to a PLETHORA of missed texts and calls, oh well, not like I woulda answered them anyway.

Anyway, I am too lazy to recap last night's events so here's an email I just sent Jared to let him know how last night went since he didn't ask.

Went out last night in my cobra commander getup for last night's bar crawl. What a train wreck. I think out of all the girls, maybe one girl knew who I was suposed to be.One girl asked me "you're supposed to be from that battlestar galactica show, right?" another asked if I was darth vader. Some dumb bouncer at one of the bars goes "Hey, It's captain amazing!" I was like "what in the fuck is that? no." But yea, the statistics of women talked to were brutal. I showed up to the first bar to register for the bar crawl. There were these 2 fat girls pouring out of their costumes eyeing me. I ignored them til people I knew actually showed up. My friend Dan just looked in the direction of this one girl and she gave him this look of disgust. There was this pair of girls at the first bar who we ran into at the second bar we went to. One was a mermade the other was supposed to be a trophy wife (but she was far from a trophy). She basically just had on some shiney silver and gold skirt/dress with a sash that said "trophy wife" and a tiara (that I kept trying to take off her head and put on some bald dude at the third bar we were at that they showed up to as well. My friend Dan was trying to hit on the Mermade one (even though I thought she looked like a dude with a wig on), I guess cause she had a nice body. My friend Romil kinda just stood there and talked to the trophy wife one while I get stuck talking to these 2 indian dudes I thought were Romil's friends for a second til I realized they were just two losers who gravitated towards him since he was Indian too.

By the second bar the chubby trophy wife one started talking to me and just looking like an even bigger idiot. Her shoe fell off her foot at one point and went under her chair. I kinda kicked it away and into the dance floor cause I thought it'd be funny.She started whining like an idiot that she couldn't believe I'd kick her shoe, bla bla bla. We left soon after cause my friend Dan was like saying how he couldn't talk to a girl who thought some ugly dude was hot. I wish I could remember who she said, but whatever.

After we left that bar, we went to the last bar on the list of bars doing the bar crawl cause it was the only one that had the specials til 2am. Also, with a name like "Duke's" it's guaranteed to be a dump filled with messes of human life. My friend Eddie and his fiance Janell met us up at this point as we were walking to the bar to witness the wreck that is my life. I dunno where to begin with this bar. First this rather large girl dressed as some kinda Indian woman wouldn't stop talking to me when I went out for a cigarette (yea, I udnno what was with the theme of Indians around me either, but whatever). Um, another girl who I saw earlier in the night who did a couples thing where she was popeye and her boyfriend was olive oyl started talking to me. I was wondering in the back of my head "where is her dumbass of a boyfriend in drag?" Minutes later this oaf comes storming across the bar from the bathroom and starts being overly agressive with me. I ignored him and went back to talking to his girlfriend in hopes I wouldn't get fists thrown at me in a few minutes. Around this time, Dan was hitting on two girls wearing the same stupid costume. Both were wearing black jeans, black and white stripped shirts and black berettes with black fingerless knit gloves. I don't even know what they were supposed to be, French? ANyway, we ended up getting a table together and Dan talked to the black girl while me and her friend kinda just sat at the other end of the table staring into our phones, butting in and out the conversation Dan and the black girl were having ever so often. The girl next to me got up and disappeard for a while and then the black girl soon followed. I started eating the one girl's french fries as Dan ate some of the chicken wings the other girl ordred and kept yelling at me "EAT THEIR FOOD, EAT IT, THEY'RE WHORES, THEY WONT NOTICE!" The black one came back... oh, she noticed. First thing out of her mouth was "who ate our food?" She looked DIRECTLY at me and goes "I know it was you." I was like "i didn't touch your chicken fingers cause I don't eat meat." She didn't believe me til Dan chimed in to go "yea, he doesn't eat me, he's some kinda fag or something. I think they call him a vegetarian."

After a while I went back to where Eddie and Janell were sitting at the other end of the bar cause I didn't wanna be there when the other girl noticed almost all her fries were missing. They pointed out a girl that I'd like (aka she was a drunk mess who could barely sit in her seat and was most asuredly easy). I went over to talk to her and I couldn't even get a word in before she goes "GI JOE! YOU'RE COBRA COMMANDER!" I was like "well, fuck. someone finally got it right." Things were actually going along well (she wasn't some disgusting slam hog or anything and she looked good... and she was the first girl to get it right with who I was supposed to be). Of course, in comes the catch. Her annoying dumpling looking Asian friend. For every word I had to say, this Asian friend had 10 more to add. I was like "oh, what are you supposed to be." The girl starts to tell me and her Asian friend butts in. I don't have a costume, I'm holding her wings for her!" I look at her and go "that's fantastic" and go back to talking to the other girl. The girl asked me where I was from and I said the southern part of Westchester county, right above Manhattan." She said she was from Ohio. As I was about to ask her what she's doing down here, her stupid friend interupted with "I'M FROM CALIFORNIA." I kinda don't give her any attention and just mutter "that's great" and start to try and talk to the other one before the Asian starts going off saying "I'm from the LA area, do you know LA?" I go "yea" she goes "oh, you do?" and starts telling me what town she's from and how it's east LA and this and that. At this point I am just staring at the girl I was trying to talk to this whole time with this look on my face like "why am I standing here?" I ended up just slowly backing away and going back to Eddie and Janell. The girl asked a little while before I left the bar if she bored me and that's what drove me away. I said "nah it isn't" and then followed that up by pointing to her very annoying Asian friend to insinuate she was the reason I walked away.

I ended up leaving with my Dan around 1 or so. Him passed out in the car and me listening to shitty music on the radio cause he kept complaining about my "angry death music" (it was an old cassette tape I made 10 years ago that had Misfits on one side and Gwar on the other, far from "angry" at least).